


Bumps in the Road

by puddleofgoo



Series: A Life Less Ordinary [13]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sex, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-08
Updated: 2011-10-08
Packaged: 2018-01-13 07:54:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 53,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1218427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puddleofgoo/pseuds/puddleofgoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After John was turned into a bug, Rodney realizes just how dependent he is on John.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bumps in the Road

**Author's Note:**

> This story is thirteenth in the "A Life Less Ordinary" series and is set following the events A Life Less Ordinary 12: Dance, Monkey, Dance and following SGA 2x07: Instinct and during SGA 2x08: Conversion.
> 
> Much thanks must go to my betas, Chaps and DJaddict. If you find any mistakes it's because I didn't listen to them.

Still dressed in his mission BDUs and with a bandage wrapped around his finger—which was throbbing by the way, no matter what the nurse told him—Rodney McKay stormed into the labs.

What a waste of a day.

Searching for a half-Wraith girl that was the victim of a mad scientist.

Radek looked up from where he was working. "Ah, you are back. How did it go?"

"I'm injured again, but Carson is fussing over Sheppard," he grumbled, jabbing the keyboard of his computer.

"Ah.... the Colonel was injured again? What natives did you irritate this time?"

"I was injured, too," Rodney complained, holding up his finger.

Radek raised an eyebrow. "And how does your injury compare to the Colonel's?"

"It hurts! Just because there was a lot of blood on Sheppard's arm doesn't make my injury any less significant."

Radek rolled his eyes and turned back to his computer. "Yes yes, you get a small scratch and all the world must pause to sympathize."

"Oh and thank you for your concern. For all you know it could get infected from some alien bacteria and then I'd die a horrible, painful death."

"If that happens, I will mention you in my Nobel speech after I complete your research."

"As if you'd ever win," Rodney snorted.

"If we are ever declassified, all of us are eligible for one. Perhaps we could invent new prize. I will call it the Zelenka Prize of great Scientific Achievement."

"Oh, just…just…don't you have work to do instead of bothering me with your insane ramblings?"

"I am capable of working and annoying you at the same time. It is called multi-tasking, Rodney." Radek looked up and grinned at him. An actual grin. "While you were gone, I have managed to isolate power fluctuations we were getting in interface between generators and ZPM."

"You did?" Rodney glanced up, his eyes wide. "I thought you were working on the jumpers?"

"I do both." Radek waved a dismissive hand. "I hit a wall on jumper programs. I was looking for something different to think about for a time." He pushed his laptop so Rodney could see what he had.

Rodney scowled but moved over to read the screen, his eyes skimming the data. Huh. That looked like it was going to work. "Not bad."

Rodney pointed out a few places where adjustments could be made before turning back to his own computer and his own work. He was gone for missions and things just started piling up.

A few hours later he glanced up when he felt someone staring at him, only to find himself looking into Teyla's eyes. "Oh. Teyla. Did I miss a lesson? I thought that was scheduled for tomorrow."

She shook her head. She looked—a little shaken, which for Teyla was downright freaky. "May I speak with you in private for a moment?"

"Ah…" he glanced around, spotting several other scientists in the main lab. "Sure. Right. How about my office?"

Nodding, she followed him into his office, waiting until the door closed to sink gracefully into one of the guest chairs. "Something is wrong with John, and I wanted to come to you first so you are warned, and also so you do not hear about it through gossip."

Rodney swore he felt his stomach drop to the floor. "What? No. You have to be wrong. John's fine. Carson said so. I was there."

"I was sparring with him earlier and he was... he showed a marked improvement. That in and of itself was unusual, but he forced me against the wall and... he kissed me. After I broke free, he seemed very confused, as if he did not realize what he had just done. It was then that Doctor Beckett called him to the infirmary, and I came to tell you. I do not believe he is completely himself."

"He…he kissed you?"

She nodded, rising to place a hand on Rodney's arm. "He was flush with victory, and as I said, afterwards he was very uncomfortable and seemed confused about what had just happened. I believe you should go to the infirmary to hear first hand what Doctor Beckett has found."

"I…" There was so much rushing through his mind—worry, shock, concern, worry… definitely worry. There couldn't be anything wrong with John. "Yes, thank you. I…I will. I'll go there now."

"I will walk with you." She rose. "I am worried about him. I know that Doctor Beckett released him from the infirmary when they could find no sign of a wound, but that in and of itself is not normal. And Ronon said that when we first arrived back, John ran him into the ground and then continued after he decided to end for the day. And then he came to spar with me. John is a strong man, but he does not have that kind of stamina—and he continues to bounce as if he has too much energy to be contained."

"He has lots of stamina," Rodney said a little defensively. "You have to be wrong. He's fine." He had to be fine. He really had to be fine.

They walked quickly to the infirmary—only to find John already gone, but Carson still in his office, staring intently at his laptop.

"Tell me Teyla's wrong," Rodney said walking into Carson's office without knocking.

Beckett looked up, a little surprised, the worry evident. "That depends on what the lass has told you, Rodney."

"That John's sick…or infected…or something. You said he was fine. You told me…" He took a breath and straightened up. "You told John he was fine."

Carson's face shuttered a little. "Rodney...." He sighed as he caught Rodney's expression turning stubborn. "He's been infected with the retrovirus. I don't know yet how it will affect him. It wasn't ready to be administered at all, much less to a full human."

"You told me he was fine," Rodney hissed.

"I thought he was. But when we ran the blood samples... I ran them three times to be sure. He bounded out of here for who knows where, but he's been ordered to check in with me every six hours until we figure this out. Actually, if you could find him and keep an eye on him, I'll feel a lot better."

Rodney's mind was spinning. Infected. Retrovirus. John was infected, sick…and it was because of Carson's stupid, fucking pet project.

"What did you do to him?"

"Me?" Carson went pale.

"Rodney." Teyla's hand was on his arm again. "This was an accident that could not have been predicted and no one's fault. I believe we should let Doctor Beckett work on reversing the infection, while we find Colonel Sheppard and, as he has asked, keep an eye on him."

"If he hadn't brought his science project to the planet, that…Wraith wouldn't have taken the injection, wouldn't have infected John."

"No one knew what would happen and taking out your frustration on Carson will not solve anything—if anything it will hamper his efforts to solve this quickly." Teyla's voice was firm.

Carson sighed, refusing to meet either of their eyes. "It's... It is my fault, lass. Rodney is right, I shouldn'a have brought it there... And I hate to be the bearer of more bad news, but Rodney, I need you to be sure you dinna engage in any exchange of fluids with John while this lasts. His saliva does'na have much risk, but semen and blood would almost surely infect you as well and I dinna want to take the risk."

"You…what?" Rodney knew his expression had to be one crossed between shock and horror.

Carson sighed again. "I'm fairly certain Ellia infected him when she broke his skin and their blood mingled. It was mostly his blood, and very, very little of hers. I'm not... heartless. I willna tell you not to touch him. But avoid any and all mingling of body fluids or we'll be dealing with two of you infected instead of one."

Rodney stiffened, setting his jaw in a tight line. "Any other sage advice, Doctor?"

Carson shook his head. "Keep an eye on him, Rodney. I dinna know what this will do, or how bad it will get, or even how fast it will happen. Even if he doesn'a want to report any anomalies, I'd feel better if I knew you and your team were keeping an eye on him."

"Fine," Rodney said tightly.

"I'm sorry." The words were painfully quiet. "I... I'll find a way to fix this."

"You better."

"I will."

Rodney turned and without another word walked out of Carson's office, his mind spinning out of control with possibilities, with outcomes…

He found himself in their quarters at some point later, not sure how he got there, but uncaring. John was there, sprawled across the couch watching something on his laptop.

"John? What…what are you doing here?"

His lover almost bounced up out of the couch. "I got all my reports done and then I thought about another run, but I figured what the hell, I'd try to watch a movie or something, but to be honest I wasn't really following it all that well, the plot must not have been really great, not like Back to the Future, even though I know you don't really like that movie..." Rodney was pretty sure that had all been one sentence even as he suddenly found himself backed against a wall, John's words only stopping because he was licking Rodney's neck.

"John…wait…" Rodney moaned as John bit down. "Carson…"

"Mmmmm, you taste really, really good." John licked at the spot a few more times. "Really good. Have you always tasted this good?"

"John…please…tell me Carson was wrong…"

With a sigh, John lifted his head, although he didn't go far, his face pressed into Rodney's neck. "He says I'm infected with the retrovirus. But I feel fine. Better than fine."

"Are you sure? I…Carson says you're sick. If you were infected you'd feel something…feel different…"

"Feel really good. I mean really good. And everything is sharper. You always smell good, but now it's... God, so good..." John was taking deep breaths, and Rodney could feel the tip of a tongue occasionally sneaking more tastes.

John sounded fine, sounded normal. He loved to taste him, lick him, loved to nip and bite him. This was John. Felt like him. Part of Rodney's tension slowly drained from his body as he started to respond to John's touches and advances. He just wanted his lover, his partner. Carson was wrong. John was fine. Perfectly fine.

"Want you... Rodney..."

"Mmm…" Rodney hummed, his brain already starting to slow down as John started turning him on in other ways.

John's hands were working under Rodney's shirt, finding all his hot spots. The licking had started again, too. "Too many clothes. Naked. We need to be naked right now."

Rodney thought that was a perfectly amazing idea. Whatever doubt was left immediately flew out the window as soon as he heard John's words. His body and mind reacted immediately, submitting easily to John's request. Raising his arms above his head, John striped off his shirt and then Rodney found himself pinned to the wall a second later, one persistent lover pressing close to him.

John was rubbing against him, touching him everywhere. "Mine. Mine. Mine." Rodney realized John was chanting under his breath, between kisses.

Wrapping his arms around John, Rodney tugged him closer, opening up for John so he could plunder his mouth, loving the strength and the solid muscle of his lover.

John growled into his mouth, and he took, claiming Rodney completely. There was no asking for permission here. Finally, with another growl, John pulled back long enough to tug his own jacket off, fingers going for the hem of his shirt. "Going to feel you everywhere."

Panting, Rodney nodded, watching as John peeled off his shirt, revealing tan and perfect skin. He reached out to touch, but John caught his hand, pressing it back against the wall.

"Mine." He used his whole chest to rub against Rodney's body.

"God, yes, yours…please, John."

John mashed their mouths together again. He didn't pull back until they were both breathless with it, a low growl still in the back of his throat, his eyes completely blown out. He started to reach for Rodney's pants, however, and suddenly froze.

"Please, John," Rodney begged, wanting—needing—to feel John.

"Rodney..." There was a sudden note of fear in John's voice. He was staring at his own arm. Silently, he turned it, showing a small patch of what looked like scales the same color Ellia had been, right where she had clawed him.

Arousal quickly turned to fear. "Nonono, it's just the lighting…has to be…you're fine. Carson was wrong."

His lover swallowed hard. "I need to go show Carson."

Rodney knew John was right, knew this was bad, that John was sick, but he didn't…couldn't… "Maybe it'll just go away."

John kissed him again, this time gently, so soft and full of love it was almost painful. When he backed off, he tapped his radio on. "Hey, Doc?" There was a pause before he continued, his free hand lightly playing around the discolored skin. "We may have to bump up our first check-in."

He was obviously listening to something, then nodded. "Right. On my way now. Sheppard out." He caught Rodney's eye. "I need to go down there now. Come with me?"

"It's a mistake. Carson has to be wrong. It's just the lighting or something. It'll go away." Rodney could feel his heart pounding, panic and despair growing. Nothing could happen to John.

John stroked the small patch of skin, his throat moving as he swallowed hard again. "I hope so. Let's go down and get me scanned, just to be sure though."

Rodney nodded, knowing his eyes were wide as he stared at John.

"Come on. I want to get this over with."

Rodney nodded again, feeling almost numb as he stumbled away from the wall, searching for where John threw his shirt. Grabbing it a few moments later, his trembling hands tried to turn it right side out, wishing he could turn back time just twelve hours, to before John had been attacked. Or even further, back to before Carson arrived with his voodoo medicine and his magic bullet.

"Hey." John caught his hand, helping him get the shirt on before pulling Rodney into the strong curve of his arms. "It'll be okay. Beckett is the best. He'll fix this."

"He better fix this. He did it to you."

John shook his head. "No. He didn't do this, and you aren't going to blame him, Rodney." John's fingers curled around Rodney's jaw. "I know you want to be angry at someone, but it's not Beckett. He might have made a mistake, but I woke the Wraith, and you blew up a solar system—neither of us can cast stones here."

"You can't tell me how to feel," Rodney growled, taking a step back. "You can't tell me not to be angry. If it wasn't because of his stupid research you wouldn't be infected with a Wraith retro-virus."

John sighed softly. "If it wasn't for his research, you wouldn't have the ATA gene either, and neither of us would be alive at the moment. I'm not saying he hasn't made mistakes, or that this isn't one of them. Just... I don't want you to say or do something I know you'll regret later. I can't tell you not to feel angry, no, but I can tell you not to act on it right now. When this is all over, if you're still pissed at him, we can deal with it then. Until then, I need him focused on fixing this, not feeling guilty over it happening in the first place."

Rodney turned away, knowing his face was probably giving him away. He'd already accused Carson of negligence, of doing this to John.

John stepped forward again, catching him and holding him. "Whatever happened, right now I don't care. Please, Rodney. I need to go to the infirmary and find out what the hell is happening to me. I need you there with me."

"I know. I'm coming with you, but you also should know I've already told Carson what I think."

"Okay. We'll deal with it then. Just, please, promise me you'll try to censor yourself around him for at least a little bit, until he figures this out, okay?" John's hand dropped to the scaly patch again, and they were standing close enough that Rodney could feel the shudder of revulsion go through him.

Rodney nodded. He knew he needed to be strong for John. He could focus on finding a cure because it was obvious he couldn't rely on Carson. The retro-virus was supposed to work on Wraith and change them into humans, but it hadn't worked. No, instead it had infected John and was now starting to change him.

"Let's go. I want to get this over with." John brushed their lips together softly again then stepped back, grabbing his jacket and heading for the door.

Rodney walked silently beside John the entire way, his thoughts still spinning. Carson was waiting for John as soon as they stepped inside, whisking him into the depths of the infirmary, back to the Ancient scanners. Elizabeth was already there, concern and kindness on her face.

"How is he doing?" She stepped close, putting a hand on his arm.

Rodney watched John and Carson walk away, forced himself to stay and answer her question. "He's sick. How do you think he is?"

"He still looks okay. With a little luck, this will just be a bump in the road and he'll be declared clean in no time at all."

"His skin is changing color, Elizabeth. Carson's retro-virus doesn't work on Wraith. It only works on humans."

Her eyes widened slightly—obviously she hadn't heard about the changing yet. "We'll figure this out. Carson is good at his work—and to his defense, he said the retrovirus wasn't even ready to try on Ellia yet. She took it before he it was okay to trial, and in a much larger dose than Carson would have given."

"He shouldn't have even brought it to the planet. You said it yourself: it wasn't ready. There was no reason for it to be seen outside of a lab."

She sighed. "Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose. Right now, let's see what the scans have found." She straightened as Carson came back out, looking grim.

"He's dying isn't he?" Rodney asked taking a step forward.

"The retrovirus isn't breaking down in his system like we hoped it would." His voice was soft.

Rodney's stomach dropped, his mind beginning a chant of "Nononono."

"You’re positive?" Elizabeth's voice was quiet.

"Yes. In fact, it’s beginning to alter his DNA. If this is allowed to continue, he’ll devolve into a creature similar to what Ellia became." Carson sat heavily at his desk, his head in his hands.

Elizabeth asked the question Rodney was dreading the answer to. It's like he already knew that it was a matter of time now. "How long do we have?"

"I’m not sure exactly.

"Can you give us a ballpark figure? Do we have months, weeks?" Elizabeth was so calm, so collected.

Carson's answer came out as barely a whisper. "Days. We have days."

Rodney felt his body go cold—from anger and fear and despair. Days. There had to be something he could do, something to fix John. Rodney turned on his heel and raced out of the infirmary not wanting to hear, to know anymore. He heard them calling after them, but he didn't stop, didn't slow down.

John needed help and he was going to find it if it was the last thing he did.

***

John sat in the infirmary and stared at his hands.

What used to be his hands.

He was changing. He could feel it inside him, taking over. The inhibitors were keeping him lucid, letting him keep a grip on his mind. But looking at his arms, he saw the slow creep of bluish purple slowly taking him over.

He hated bugs. And now he was becoming one.

He shuddered hard, grabbing a glass off the table nearby and throwing it, hard against the wall, the sound of shattering glass and the sharp scent of wet floor just making him angrier. He stood, needing to move, to get out of here.

A knock on the door diverted his attention, the door sliding open to reveal his lover looking worried but trying to be brave.

John inhaled, the sharp smell of Rodney calming him. "Hi."

Rodney stepped inside, his hands worrying as they rubbed together. "How are you doing?"

Moving closer, John froze when he caught Rodney's wince. He glanced down at his arm, could imagine what his lover was seeing. Abruptly he turned and retreated moving as far back into the room as he could. "I'm turning into a fucking bug. Please tell me there's been some progress on stopping it. On... on reversing it so I'm not..."

"I've been looking for something…anything… The database has a lot of information on the Iratus bug. It's just taking a long time to go through everything."

Sinking down, John sat on the floor facing the wall, so he wouldn't have to see the disgust on Rodney's face. "Do you think you'll find anything before I'm not me anymore? Before I'm..."

"John…" Rodney's voice trailed off. John could hear his lover's footsteps as he came up behind him.

John tensed, but didn't move. "I'm turning into a fucking bug. Just... I know I look disgusting okay. I know this is... that I'm... you don't have to touch me. Or look at me. I'll understand."

Rodney's voice was broken. "I can't lose you."

John wrapped his arms around himself, trying not to shake. He could smell Rodney's fear, his need. It was like he could taste his partner's love. He leaned back slightly, so he was against Rodney's legs. "I don't want to be lost. I'm..." He closed his eyes. "I'm really fucking scared."

"I'm going to do everything I can…I’m not going to give up. I can't…" Rodney sank down next to him, holding him from behind.

John turned his face—which hadn't been touched yet, thank god—into Rodney's shoulder. "What happens if they can't stop this? Or if they stop it but I'm stuck like... like this."

"Well find a way to fix you, I promise. I’m not going to stop until I find a way to fix you."

"I can feel it changing me."

"You have to be strong, John," Rodney said, pulling him closer to him.

"You smell really, really good. And you tasted good. So good. I want..." John squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep a grip. Rodney needed him. "Tell me what's going on. I've been locked in here most of the day."

"We're trying to find a way to fix you. Carson's working on his own thing. I'm trying different angles." He took a breath, swallowing thickly. John could almost taste his lover's desperation. "I…I just had to come see you, talk to you."

"What angles are you trying? What have you found in the database?" John tilted his head, no longer able to resist the urge to lick Rodney's neck again. Now that he knew he would pass on the virus if he broke skin, he was careful to use only his tongue, but god... so good.

Rodney trembled under him and John could smell the rush of desire in his lover. "We're…we're looking for anything that could possibly help."

Rodney's desire spiked through John, making him hard, making him pant. "I need to taste you."

His lover turned toward him, blue eyes open wide, full of trust and worry.

John remembered Carson's warning—Rodney couldn't come into contact with any of his fluids, but he had said nothing about John getting Rodney's. "Stand up and unbutton your pants. Pull out your dick and touch yourself. You're going to do exactly what I tell you to, get yourself off like I tell you to, and then you're going to come in my mouth when I tell you to."

Rodney stumbled as he rose to his feet, hands already tugging at his pants.

John panted, getting on his own knees. He was hard, but he refused to pull himself out, afraid of what he would find. So instead he focused on Rodney. "Stroke yourself slowly, with long, soft movements. I want this to last."

"John, please touch me," Rodney begged even as he obeyed, stroking his cock, his hand remembering what he liked, how he used to touch himself.

John shook his head. "I can't risk infecting you too. I can't..." John curled what was left of his hands into fists. "Touch yourself for me. Like I do it."

"You won't. I trust you…please."

"Slow. Rub your thumb just under the head, against the little ball of nerves there." Creeping closer, John's tongue darted out almost against his will, lapping up the pre-come starting to gather on Rodney's erection.

Rodney moaned as soon as John's tongue touched him and John could smell Rodney's arousal growing.

It was so addicting. He had to shove his hands underneath his body to keep himself from touching. Instead he continued to lick as Rodney did the touching for him, leaning further in to nuzzle the crease between Rodney's groin and leg, the smell driving him out of his mind with need.

"John, please," Rodney begged. "Touch me, please."

He mouthed at Rodney's dick—it was amazing. The taste was male, and musky and sweet and god... John moaned. "Rodney, oh Rodney... Come. Get yourself off, let me taste you. Please."

"Touch me. I need you to touch me. Please."

"I can't. I won't risk you. I'm not that far gone that I'll do that."

John could smell Rodney's arousal and desperation. "Please, John."

Licking his way back up, John wrapped his mouth around the head and sucked hard, although he kept his hands tucked firmly under his body.

Rodney moaned, breath catching in the back of his throat.

John continued to suck hard, his eyes rolling in the back of his head as his senses were overwhelmed by his lover.

It was like he knew a second before Rodney was going to come—he could smell it, feel it. He angled his head so he could take Rodney deeper, loving the feel and the taste of his lover as he climaxed, orgasm shuddering through him. The taste and smell pushed him over the edge of his own precipice. His orgasm calmed him, grounded him again.

John let Rodney slip out of his mouth slowly, making sure he licked up every last drop of his lover. He nuzzled back into his lover's softening groin then, closing his eyes so he could focus on the scent and taste surrounding him. If he lost everything else, lost all the rest of himself, he wanted to hold on to this.

Rodney hands drifted over John's head, fingers threading through his hair. But even through the sated pleasure, John could still sense Rodney's panic, his sadness.

He hated this, hated that he couldn't make the hurt go away. "You'll fix this. You'll find a way to fix me and I'll touch you again, all over, and bury myself inside you where I belong."

Sinking down to his knees, Rodney's hands moved to hold John's face, eyes locked with John's. "I'll do everything I can to help you. I promise. You have to believe me that I'm not going to stop until you're back to normal, until we fix you, but you have to promise me that you'll hold on, that you'll fight this. For me. Please."

John licked his lips, nodding slowly. "I will. I'll take whatever they give me to help me hang on to myself. I'll fight for as long as I can, Rodney. Just... hurry? Please? It's creeping through me, getting faster. Please... Work fast okay?"

Rodney nodded before leaning forward pressing their lips together.

John's eyes fluttered closed and he groaned. Breaking away without deepening it, without plundering and claiming and ripping Rodney's clothes off so he could bury himself deep—it was a lot harder than it should have been. "I... I think you might need to go soon. Before I... I don't want to hurt you. And I'm afraid I'll forget myself, I'll slip..."

"You won't hurt me." Rodney's trust in him was so strong John could taste it just as surely has he had his semen moments ago.

John practically crawled into Rodney's lap, pressing as close as he dared, wrapping his arms around Rodney and tried to project as much comfort as he was taking. "I won't. I promise. I'll never hurt you."

"I know."

They stayed that way for a few more minutes, before John pulled away slowly. "You should go back to the labs. Keep me posted on what's going on, okay? On what they want to try."

"I love you, no matter what happens. Remember that," Rodney said as he pulled back, looking in John's eyes with a strange intensity.

John swallowed hard. "I love you, too. No matter what happens, what I... turn in to. Don't forget that."

"We're going to do everything we can to make this better, to fix you. I just need you to hang on. Okay?"

"I will. For as long as I can."

"I'll be back. I'll let you know how we're doing."

"Thanks." John leaned in to lick Rodney's neck one last time before he let go, scooting back until he was sitting against the wall.

Rodney's hand stretched out, reaching for John, pausing in mid-air when he realized he couldn't touch him without moving forward. He looked wrecked—pants open, cock nestled somewhere within the fabric of his boxers and pants, desperate determination on his face.

John shivered, leaning forward, toward Rodney's hand despite himself. "If you don't go soon, I don't know if I'll be able to let you walk away," he whispered. "I need you too much, here with me, and out there, fixing me."

"If I could clone myself I would."

That made John's lips and dick twitch. "Mmmm, double the pleasure."

"I have to go back to work."

"I know. You get to be the hero this time. I trust you, Rodney."

"And I love you."

"I love you, too." John reached out, his scaled hands that were slowly turning into claws finally visible to Rodney as the tip of his lover's fingers brushed against John's.

Rodney didn't shudder, didn't cringle, simply took hold of his hand, squeezing tightly.

"Love you," John repeated.

"I'll fix this. I will. I promise."

"I know. Go. I'll be here waiting." John dropped his hand, trying to give Rodney a reassuring smile.

"Don't forget what you promised."

"I won't give up. I'll fight this as long as I can."

Rodney nodded, finally, reluctantly tugging his hand away. He stood slowly, putting himself back together, buttoning up. "I'll ask Elizabeth about getting you a guard, an escort, so you can walk around."

John felt pathetically happy about that, giving Rodney a grateful smile. He hated that he needed a guard, but hated being locked up like an animal even more. "Thank you."

He nodded, backing away slowly, offering a fearful, worried smile, trying to be brave, trying to be strong. But John could smell his worry, his doubts, his love.

John sighed once the door closed, his head thumping against the wall. He really, really hated this.

***

The sound of someone's throat clearing made Elizabeth glance up from her computer, her eyes drifting over her shattered office window before settling on the face of Stephen Caldwell, Atlantis' acting military commander while John was…infected.

"Colonel Caldwell, come in. Are you making yourself at home?"

"I'm going over Sheppard's records now, getting a feel for how he ran things." Caldwell moved into the office, eyeing the shattered window.

"I don't think you'll have a problem following his lead," she said, gesturing for him to have a seat. "Was there something you wished to discuss?"

He sat carefully on the edge of one of her chairs. "Actually, I do. Sheppard—why is he in the infirmary, and not a more secure location? Like the brig?"

Elizabeth sat back, surprised at his question. "We're not there yet, Colonel."

He gave her a measured look, deliberately glancing over at the shattered glass. "No?"

"He was angry, a little out of sorts, which is understandable given the nature of his infirmity. He has a military escort."

Caldwell sighed, leaning forward. "I know this is hard. He's was your friend, and as a group the Atlantis personnel have been through a lot together. You're loyal, and that's admirable. However, Sheppard is changing, as this little display demonstrated. He's becoming more erratic—how long until he no longer has control over his own actions? If we confine him now, while we can explain to him what's going on, it will be better than being forced to use more...extreme...methods later should he get loose."

"When the time comes to do that I will, but we're not at that point yet, Colonel."

"When the time comes, it may be too late. If you want to protect him, let me put him somewhere safer. The infirmary is too open, and too unsecured."

"I am not putting him in the brig," Elizabeth said crossing her arms over her chest. "At the most, we can put him in a small room…confine him to quarters, but I don't think that's necessary."

"He has a roommate, does he not? I'm not sure that's safe for either of them right now. Let me confine him to a private room with Marines guarding the door. If you ask him directly, I think you'll be surprised that he agrees with me."

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes, not liking Caldwell's tone, but John's action had scared her. "Carson's going to find a way to reverse this."

"If he does, great. But we have to be realistic here, Doctor Weir. And right now that reality is that John Sheppard is mutating into something foreign, with unknown abilities. He's said himself that even with the drugs it's getting harder for him to think clearly. Are you really willing to risk the entire base if he loses control? Confining him now, while he can go willingly, is your safest, best option."

"Fine. Confine him to quarters and put a guard for the time being. I'm not putting him in the brig."

Caldwell nodded, rising. "I don't necessarily agree with that, but I'll take what I can get." His expression softened minutely. "I know he's your friend, and I'm with you in hoping Beckett finds a way to reverse this. But as the acting military commander, I need you to understand that my job is to protect this base. And right now, Sheppard is the one they need protecting from."

"He won't hurt anyone, Colonel," she said. "He's not that far gone."

"Yet."

"Carson will figure it out before we get to that point."

He shook his head. "As I said, I hope so. But it's my job to plan for the worst, Doctor Weir."

"And mine is to hope for the best."

"Hope doesn't keep people alive."

"On the contrary, Colonel," she said, leaning forward, her elbows on her desk. "Hope is the only thing that can keep us alive at times."

He held her gaze for another few seconds, before turning and making his way back out.

Elizabeth let out a long breath. She'd give it a few hours for Caldwell to get John moved into a new room before she walked down to talk with him again. She'd try to explain about the guards, about the situation and give him an update about his team's progress.

Right now, he needed to know they were fighting for him, that he wasn't alone.

***

John watched the door close, sinking down onto the bed. He knew Elizabeth was trying her best, and had come trying to be reassuring. But…

He was fucking changing into a fucking bug, and being told there was nothing he could do except wait was… It made him want to break things, destroy. It made the blood pound in his body, the inhibitors he was being pumped with starting to wash out.

John forced himself to take a deep breath, forced the rage away. He had promised Rodney he would fight this.

However, he caught a glimpse of himself in one of the mirrors in the room, and with a growl used his grotesque excuses for hands to smash the glass.

He hated what he was becoming.

Trying to keep control, he laid down on the bed, trying to focus only on his own breathing, blocking out everything else.

After a while, he heard a familiar voice outside. The door slid open, and the sharp smell of Rodney mingled with the outdoors assaulted John. With new, fast reflexes, John rolled off the bed and plunged the room into even deeper darkness. “Rodney?”

"John? They said they'd moved you…why can't I turn the lights up?" His lover was silhouetted in the open doorway, more or less blind to everything in the room.

"It was here or the brig." John kept his voice low, trying to hide the fact that it was changing too, getting raspier, harder to form words.

"But why?" Rodney stepped in another foot, his smell was calm—or as calm as Rodney got. He wasn't scared of him. But he hadn't seen the changes.

"I'm dangerous." John backed further into the gloom. "I'm not really human anymore."

"John, please turn the lights up," Rodney pleaded, moving again, the door finally closing behind him. "I'm alone."

"No. You don't need to see this." God, Rodney smelled so good. It made John shiver with the need to possess him, claim him.

Another two steps and Rodney was in the center of the room, more or less blind, but trusting John implicitly. "John, please. I need to see you."

John moved closer, but didn't touch the other man. "I don't think I would survive seeing you hate this... thing I'm becoming. It's getting harder to think, harder to hold on to myself. I don't know how much longer I have. I want you to remember me, not this.... abomination I am now."

"John…I know the inhibitors…I know they have to keep upping your dosage to keep you lucid, to keep you here with us. We're trying to do everything we can to fix you, to make things right."

John let himself indulge, breathing in Rodney for a few more heartbeats before he let the lights come up slightly. "I'm running out of time."

Rodney turned toward him, his eyes finally focusing on John—on what was left of him. Rodney stilled, taking in what he could before stepping closer, reaching out to lay his hand on John's arm. "We're working as fast as we can."

John searched the other man's face, looking for revulsion, hate. He almost wept when he didn't see either. Fear yes, but not of John—Rodney was afraid he wouldn't be able to fix it in time. Love, overwhelming and sweet in the back of John's throat, made him swallow, closing his new eyes to block out the view. "I know. It's just getting so hard, even with the drugs... I'm trying to fight it, Rodney, but I'm losing."

"You're doing great," Rodney said, stepping closer, his scent overwhelming John. "We…I just need you to hang in there."

John shivered again, pressing close to Rodney. But before he could respond, another voice was outside. Without thinking about it, John pushed Rodney back into a corner, dimming the lights again. "Stay there. If anyone finds you here, they'll claim I compromised you."

"John—" Rodney protested, but John hissed and he fell silent.

The door opened and John crouched in front of his lover, the need to protect him the only thing John could focus on. It took several tries for John to recognize Elizabeth's voice. He moved, jumping slightly, away from Rodney and behind her, so she wouldn't see they weren't alone. He straightened, knowing she would be able to see him.

"John?" She said, looking to his right, trying to see through the darkness. He could smell her uncertainty, her fear—of him. Arousal, too, although weak. "So this is when I usually ask you a stupid question, like ‘How are you feeling?’ John? John? Our team got back from the mission." As soon as she turned her head, she finally saw him, emerging out of the darkness and she gasped, falling back a few paces.

"The nest was too well protected. We were unable to retrieve the eggs. They tried their best ..."

He growled. She kept insisting there was nothing more they could do, and though he tried to fight his anger, knowing it was burning away the inhibitors and his control, it was quickly getting out of control. If they weren't going to save him, she needed to order him killed. He wanted to die as himself, not lost in the mind of a monster. But she refused, and while a part of him loved her a little for her loyalty, the rest of him flamed bright, rational thought slipping out of his grip. He attacked, trying to force her hand, but he wasn't so far gone yet that he could kill her. With a glare, he let go, let her fall to the ground. Walking out the door, John let go of the last of himself. If she wouldn't kill him, he would find someone who would.

***

Rodney was flush against the wall, his eyes wide as he watched John run out of the room, leaving Elizabeth on the floor, coughing as she tried to get her breath back. The guards outside grunted and fell to the floor in a heap, unmoving.

John. Oh god, John!

After a few beats, Elizabeth scrambled to her feet, activating her radio as she moved to check on the guards, Rodney still frozen in the shadows.

"This is Weir. We have a security breach!" As soon as her fingers touched the first guard's neck, Rodney finally moved forward. He needed to tell her that John wasn't dangerous. He was just frightened and angry and scared and backed into a corner.

"Elizabeth—" Rodney started to say only to have Weir jump and turn, her eyes narrowing as Rodney emerged from the darkness within the room.

"Rodney. I didn't know you were here. What were you doing here?"

"Talking to John."

"That was... more dangerous than I thought it would be. Come with me. We need to find him before he hurts someone or himself."

"He wouldn't have hurt you if you hadn't backed him into a corner."

She sighed, but talked as they walked. "I know. He wasn't in his right mind. But I didn't want to keep him in the dark as to our progress or lack thereof, and I won't give up on him, not yet."

"Are you okay?" Rodney asked, looking at the red mark on her throat.

"I will be. He wasn't trying to hurt me permanently, just scare me I think." She touched the mark briefly with her fingertips.

Rodney was quiet. "What do you plan to do now?"

"Find him and subdue him without hurting him, and then find a way to fix him. Plan A didn't work, I want a plan B now."

"What do you think we're trying to do? We're trying to fix the mess Carson made."

She shot him a sharp gaze. "He made a mistake, Rodney, but so have you, so have I, and so has John. I expect you to get over it, just like we've done with everyone else."

Rodney stopped in the middle of the hall, his mouth dropping open. "He…he turned John into a bug! John thinks he's a monster. He doesn't want anyone to see him. How do you expect me to feel?"

She paused as well, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. "I know, Rodney. And I'm not asking you not to be upset. I'm just asking you to remember that Carson isn't the only one who has made a major mistake out here—and he won't be the last I'm sure."

"And thanks for bringing up that painful memory," Rodney said, stepping back to shake off her hand. "Right now I just want John back."

She sighed. "I agree—right now John is the top priority. Can you use the city's sensors to distinguish his life sign from the rest of the population?"

"You want me to track him down like some kind of an animal?"

"No. I want you to guide our people to him. I want him back to himself, too, Rodney. And I don't want him to get hurt in the process. He's the one who told me, before, that he was dangerous and needed to be confined—it was at his... insistent request that the guard on his door was doubled. The part of him that is still John Sheppard doesn't want to hurt anyone, and that's the part I want to save."

"He won't hurt me…and he won't hurt anyone else if you just leave him alone. What exactly are we going to do if we find him? Drug him? Put him in the brig? What exactly?"

She ran a hand over her face. "We can't just let him run free, Rodney. You were there—he asked me to kill him. I can't—won't—risk that he'll do something stupid to try and hurry things along. He's not in his right mind right now. For the moment, I want to find him and get him to the infirmary so Carson can look him over and we can figure out how we're going to fix this."

"He won't do that. He promised me he'd fight."

Her smile was sad. "I'm not sure he even remembers who any of us are anymore. Without the regular injections, which he should have had ten minutes ago...I don't think he's capable of real thought right now, Rodney."

"He remembers."

"He did remember. I don't know if he does now."

"He does." Rodney couldn't think any other way.

"Then I'll let you try to use the intercom to ask him to report to the infirmary first. He seems to respond better to you than anyone else."

Rodney didn't like that option either, but it was certainly better than sending out hunting parties. He nodded, tapping his radio headset. "McKay to control room."

"Control here, Doctor McKay. We're trying to track down Colonel Sheppard's location now, sir."

"Yeah…about that…put me on citywide."

"Sir?"

"Citywide. You do know what that is, correct?"

"Yes sir, sorry. Patching you through now."

Rodney rolled his eyes, waiting to get the all-clear from the technician. "This is Doctor Rodney McKay. Colonel Sheppard, if you can hear me, I need you to report to the infirmary immediately. If anyone sees Colonel Sheppard, please do not approach him. Call in and alert the control room to his whereabouts. Sheppard, if you can hear me, I need you to meet me in the infirmary. McKay out."

Elizabeth looked at him closely, then changed her course. "Let's see if that actually worked."

They were about halfway there when they ran into John. In full light he was... it was hard to look at. He was blue, his eyes bright yellow and slit like a cat. As soon as he saw them the stalked over, even his movements different, foreign. "Are you going to end this now?" Christ, even his voice was different, flat.

"John," Rodney said, stepping forward, "we want…I want to help you."

John moved so Rodney couldn't touch him. "You can't. Kill me or I'll force a Marine to do it."

"John…no…I won't. You promised me."

"I'm gone. There's nothing left to fight for." He turned and started walking away.

"Don't walk away from me."

His lover stopped. "Rodney... I love you. Don't ever forget that. I'm sorry."

"John…" Rodney whispered the word, already following behind his lover. "Don't do this. Don't give up."

John looked back slightly, his profile twisted with mutation. "I've lost the battle. This... it's hard, to focus, on anything. It hurts. I'm sorry. I have to go before I hurt you." He turned slightly, features impossible to read now. "Goodbye, Rodney."

"John, no." God, no. Nononono.

"I'm sorry. I tried." With that, John disappeared, moving too fast for Rodney to catch him this time.

But he tried. Running after him until he had to stop, holding himself up against the wall, panting heavily, his heart breaking just a bit.

A hand on his arm made him start a little. Elizabeth's voice was soft. "We'll find a way. We need to get him to the infirmary before he really does force someone to hurt him. Please, come with me to the control room and help me save him."

"I just…" Rodney said, beginning to protest before stopping, nodding slowly. "Fine."

"He's not himself, Rodney. And you did get through to him, for a minute. I'm not sure anyone else could have. You were able to break through whatever fog his head is in, but he said it himself, he was having a hard time staying clear even that long." Her eyes were compassionate. "He did it because of how he feels about you. He loves you very much. Now let's go save him so you two can go back to driving me crazy."

Rodney nodded slowly, letting Elizabeth lead him back to the center of the city, to the control room. Although Rodney knew his heart was somewhere else entirely.

***

Carson Beckett stared down at the unconscious form of John Sheppard. His eyes pricked and he wiped them ruthlessly.

His fault. If he hadn’t brought the incomplete virus to the planet, hadn’t talked about it where Ellia could over-hear him…

Reaching out, he ran a finger along the scales that had taken over John’s body. They were rough, hard. Blue. It was creepy and horrible and he hated himself for being the indirect cause of it.

If only.

He sighed. What was even more frustrating was that if they had just been able to get the eggs, he knew he could reverse this. They already had all the components ready to go, all they needed were the Iratus stem cells to act as host, and this would be over. But the damn things were too protective, and too dangerous to try again. He understood Elizabeth’s decision not to try again, even if he railed against it at the same time.

His mind drifted to John’s other half. If they lost Sheppard, Carson knew the odds were more than good they would lose Rodney as well.

A soft noise made him look up to see Evan Lorne inching in. “Major. What can I do for you?”

"Just wanted to check on things," he said quietly.

Carson nodded, glancing back down at his patient. "I just wish... If we had gotten those eggs, I could still..."

"We'll figure out another way. I'm not giving up yet."

"He's run out of time, Evan. What's worse is that I know how much he hates those damn bugs, has ever since his encounter with them after we first got here. And now he's turning into one."

"McKay's not going to give up. We're not giving up. Are you?"

Carson scrubbed a hand across his face. "I just don't know what else to try. And his transformation is continuing to progress. He's more bug than human right now."

"You'll figure it out."

"I wish I—" Carson froze, his eyes widening as he stared down at John. "He's more.... That's it. That's how we're going to get the eggs."

"That's what? You lost me there, Doc? How are we going to get the eggs?"

"We're going to pump him full of just short of a lethal dose of the inhibitor and send him in to get the eggs for us. He's more bug than human right now—they won't attack him like they will us, and they won't keep him away from the nest." Carson's mind was working quickly now. He started grabbing what he knew he would need, putting it close at hand and making notes to shove at a nurse when he left as to whom to have standing by when they got back, and what equipment to have at the ready.

"But Doc, he's not going to understand us and there's no way Doctor Weir is going to let him get off of Atlantis."

"This is his only chance. With enough of the inhibitor I can give him maybe an hour of clear thinking. That's all we need to get to the cave, have him get the eggs. Ronon can stun him again to get him home, where I'll inject the stem cells with the reversal virus and we'll have our Colonel back."

Lorne looked at him for a long minute. "You're sure?"

"Yes. Absolutely positive. The rest of it is ready to go, I just need those eggs, and this is the only way we're going to get them. Get your team together, I'll get Elizabeth's approval."

He paused for along moment before nodding. "How long, Doc?"

"As soon as possible. The longer we let this stay in his system, the shorter the period of time the inhibitor will keep him clear, and the less chance we have of a complete reversal."

Lorne nodded. "We'll be ready when you are."

"Good." He gave the Major a hopeful smile. "We may just pull this off yet." Turning on his radio, Carson started to gather his notes. "Doctor Weir? I need to speak to you immediately."

"You found something?"

"Meet me in your office. I think I have an idea."

"Who else needs to be here?"

"John's team, if they're nearby. I think I know a way to save him, and I'll need them along. Evan was just here as well, and I've told him to get his team ready to go as soon as you give the okay."

"I'll make sure they're here. Weir out."

Carson hurried out, shoving his list of things to do at the duty nurse. "Luv, please make sure this is all waiting for me. I'm running out of time. Thanks!"

"Of course, Doctor Beckett," she said, surprise on her face even as she moved toward the supply closet, her eyes tracking through what he needed.

Thanking his lucky stars that he had such a great staff, Carson hurried toward the control room, running into Elizabeth and John's team just outside her office. "I’m sorry, it just came to me. The fact that his mutation has progressed as far as it has may be his salvation."

Everyone's eyebrows rose at his statement, but it was Elizabeth who spoke up. "Explain that."

He quickly summed up his findings, and while they had misgivings, he got the go-ahead. "All right, my nurses are already prepping everything we'll need. I'll go wake John up and give him the dose. We'll need to move as quickly as possible after that, to give him the maximum amount of time to retrieve the eggs."

Elizabeth gave him the go ahead, but he could still feel Rodney's disapproving gaze on him even all the way in the infirmary.

Carson quickly prepared the dose of inhibitor and the drugs needed to bring John out of his coma. Glancing up at Elizabeth, he waited for her nod to administer them. First to wake John up, and as soon as he started to stir, the inhibitor.

This had to work. There was nothing else left for him to do.

He let out a sigh of relief when John seemed to be mostly lucid. But now the clock was ticking. He had a feeling the Colonel wouldn't want to be seen prancing all over the city blue when he was in his right mind, so Carson had an Athosian hooded cloak for John to pull over his uniform. In minutes, they had him on his feet and walking toward the gateroom. "Elizabeth? Every moment counts now. Can you have them open the wormhole before we arrive?"

She nodded. "I'll radio ahead. Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be. John?"

Slitted eyes that were more than a little unnerving focused on him. John didn't say anything, but nodded once.

Elizabeth nodded and tapped her radio, already moving toward the door. Carson could hear her ordering the gate dialed and Marines stationed along the hall and in the gateroom.

They walked quickly, and in what seemed like no time at all, they were back on the hateful planet. John glanced at Rodney once, holding his eyes for a long moment before they started the hike. "Fighting... I'm still..."

"I know," Rodney said quietly, the words barely loud enough to carry, but John heard them.

Sheppard nodded once, then looked at Lorne. "Need to hurry."

"Almost there, sir," he said, picking up the pace.

John stayed in the middle of the group, and it didn't escape Carson that Rodney was staying right beside him. When they finally arrived, Carson prepped John on what he needed to do, praying the inhibitor would last. The hike had taken longer than he had hoped it would. It almost broke his heart when John raised a claw and, in the first voluntary touch Carson knew he had made, brushed it against Rodney's cheek. "Promised. Be back."

God. Rodney's face…nearly broken as he tried to smile, as his eyes followed John into the cave.

And then they waited. And waited. When his watch beeped, Carson's stomach dropped into his shoes.

"No…" Rodney whispered, eyes fixed on the darkness.

"It's not over yet." Carson prayed to every god he had ever heard of.

Ronon was restlessly pacing in front of the cave mouth. He suddenly froze. "I hear something."

It took another moment before Carson heard the sound of running feet. Something was coming.

Teyla and Rodney—reluctantly—raised their rifles in case it was a stampede of bugs coming out. What emerged however, was a swiftly moving Lieutenant Colonel, barreling past them headed for the woods.

Ronon tried to get in his way, but John ran straight into him, knocking him flat. The Satedan managed to turn, however, and sent a shot at John's retreating back, nailing him and sending him sprawling unconscious to the ground.

Carson ran over, silently pleading with the universe to find that John had done what they needed him to before he had lost his ability to think again. He pulled the bottle out of John's pocket and twisted the cap off with shaking hands.

Full. It was full.

"Oh, thank god." Carson sagged slightly, then raised his voice. "He got them. He did it. Let's get back to the city so I can end this."

Ronon and Lorne quickly grabbed John, hoisting him upright as they headed back to the gate.

Carson turned his attention to the other half of the pair. "He did it, Rodney. He got them. It's going to be okay now."

The scientist nodded, his eyes still fixed on John as Ronon hoisted him up and over his shoulder.

Carson reached out, putting a hand on his friend's arm. "Let's get him home. The cure is ready—it just needs the Iratus stem cells."

"Yeah, okay," Rodney said, shaking off whatever thoughts were in his head before turning to follow Lorne and Ronon back to the gate.

Carson sighed softly, but followed quickly behind. One thing at a time. Right now, he needed to focus on John Sheppard—if he could fix that, the rest would work itself out.

***

It had taken forever for Carson to finally appear again. His words still echoed in Rodney's mind: "It’s not gonna happen overnight—you can bet on that—but the transformation has begun to reverse itself."

Their team had stayed with him—and John—for a little while, sitting beside the bed before Teyla and Ronon finally said goodnight and left, leaving Rodney alone with John.

God. He wanted to reach out and touch his lover, only he wasn't sure John would want him to. He also didn't want to risk waking him—not in his current state of mind. Rodney didn't want to have to call Ronon in to stun him back to unconsciousness.

So Rodney waited. Sitting silently by his bedside, wishing the transformation back would be quick and painless.

"You should get some rest." The soft brogue seemed loud in the otherwise empty infirmary.

Rodney glanced up, blearily looking across the room toward Carson. "I need to be here."

Beckett moved closer, his blue eyes soft and understanding. "You willna do him any good if you're in here yourself by the time he recovers. Let me at least pull a bed over so you can lie down and nap."

"I'll go back to my quarters in a little while. I just…just let me sit here for a while. Okay?"

The other man held his eyes for a long moment before nodding slightly. "As long as you promise not to stay all night. One of you in my infirmary is more than enough."

"I won't," Rodney said turning his eyes back to John, letting his gaze linger. "Thank you," he finally whispered, the words meant for the still hovering Scot.

"You've nothing to thank me for. I..." Carson reached out, checking John's vitals, an almost instinctive thing Rodney had noticed him doing sometimes. "It was my fault. I made a mistake, a big one, and it nearly cost us John. I know it doesn't mean much, but for what it's worth, I am sorry, so very sorry. I'm just happy we managed to fix it."

Rodney nodded. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier…I was angry."

"You weren't wrong." Carson looked up, and Rodney could see the same worry and fear and exhaustion he knew was lining his own face. "But I'm glad we are'na at odds anymore. I would have hated to lose a good friend over this on top of everything else."

"I was angry, but it still doesn't make what I said right."

Carson patted him awkwardly on the arm. "You were upset and with good reason. I did'na take it to heart, so all is forgiven."

"Thank you for finding a cure," Rodney said after a minute, his eyes going back to John.

Carson followed his gaze, hands moving over John's body, pulling back the sheets to reveal the mottled skin and scales that covered every inch of his lover's body. "I'm grateful it all came together. We get very lucky out here sometimes. It makes me wonder if there really is a higher power watching out for us."

Rodney snorted as he stood, the entire situation starting to become a little overwhelming. "If that's the case, I have to find a way to beat the crap out of him for letting all of this happen in the first place."

Carson looked up again, his mouth quirking slightly. "I'm guessin' there's a line. Why don't you go lie down, lad, and get some sleep? I won't be bringing your Colonel out of his sedation until the bulk of the transformation back is completed. He will'na wake up while you're gone."

Nodding, Rodney stepped away from the bed, a whispered goodnight floating to John's unhearing ears. Carson let him go without another word.

On autopilot Rodney made his way back to his quarters, crawling fully-clothed into bed as he clutched John's pillow to his chest, his body shaking with all of his repressed anxiety and worry now that he knew John was going to be okay.

He slept restlessly through the night, only to be woken by the chime of his front door.

The chime sounded a few minutes later when he hadn't responded yet.

He barely dragged himself to the door when it chimed for a third time, the sound drilling a hole through his head. Steadying himself on the wall with one hand, he waved his free hand over the sensor panel, letting the door slide open.

Teyla was there, looking concerned. "I am sorry for disturbing you, but you did not answer your radio. When was the last time you ate a meal, Rodney?"

"What?" He rubbed a hand over his face, trying to process her words. "Did you want something?"

Her expression got even more worried. "When was the last time you ate?"

"I don't know…what does it matter? Why are you here in the middle of the night bothering me anyway?"

"It is late morning. And I am your teammate—I was concerned when you did not answer your radio, and I am more concerned now. Please, if you do not wish to come to the mess hall, promise me you will eat something before returning to bed. John would not look favorably upon us if we were to allow you to make yourself sick while he was unable to intervene."

"I’m fine and it can't be that late," Rodney said, pulling his hand away from the wall to look at his watch. But it was. It was nearly 1100.

Teyla stepped into the room and put a light hand on Rodney's arm. "It has been a most stressful time. Allow me to get you something to eat, and then you can return to bed."

Rodney nodded, letting Teyla maneuver him to the couch in the living room.

She dug around in their pantry a bit, returning a moment later with an MRE and a bag of pretzels.

"John's gonna be okay," he said as she sat down next to him, setting the MRE up to heat as she handed him the bag of pretzels.

"He is. I stopped by the infirmary this morning. Doctor Beckett has not woken him up yet, but already the difference is visible. His skin is returning to a more normal shade. If the rate of change keeps up, hopefully we will be able to wake John up by this evening."

"I almost lost him."

Handing over the MRE, she nodded. "You did. But this is not the first time, and I do not think it will be the last. Life is uncertain, and our lives even more so. But John knows that he must take chances, and I do not think he regrets the life he leads. Do not focus on the hard times, rather, focus on the time you have together, and be grateful for every moment so there are no regrets."

Rodney was silent for a long moment, taking a bite or two of food before putting it down once again. "I can't…I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him and that's what scares me."

"Eat. I hope that you do not have to find that out anytime soon. But I do know that dwelling on it to the point where you make yourself sick will serve no purpose. Finish your meal and then shower and change. I will stay and walk with you to the infirmary."

"But you don't understand," he said, finally looking her in the eyes. "I was never like that before. I was self-sufficient. Independent. This is…this scares me…how…dependent I've become."

She smiled gently. "You are not alone anymore, Rodney. There is a difference between dependence and having a partner. In time you will become more comfortable with where that line is drawn."

"It's just…" Rodney shook his head. He should get to the labs and get some work done. He'd been neglecting it. Standing, he moved toward the bedroom only to be stopped by Teyla's hand on his arm.

"There is no shame in loving someone, or in being loved. Do not let fear rule your life. It will only lead the things you will regret."

"I need to go to the labs."

"If you feel you must. But I know that John will be disappointed if you are not there when he awakens."

"Carson will call me when he's ready to bring John out of the sedation," he said, his eyes losing focus a little as he began to go over in his head the things he needed to get done.

She sighed. "I cannot force you into action. I just hope you will consider my words. Life is too short to allow fear to control your actions."

"I have work to do," he said quietly.

"Work will always be there. As you yourself pointed out, because of his profession and position here, John might not be." She rose, putting a hand on his arm again lightly. "You love him, and he loves you very much."

"I know that," Rodney said bristling slightly. "I just…John would understand."

"He would understand that there are things you must complete, yes. But do not use work as an excuse to hide from him. That is all I ask."

"I just can't sit next to him doing nothing. I can't do anything for him. I couldn't help him when he needed it. It was all Carson."

"You kept his spirits high, and you were the only one who could break through the fog of his mind. That counts for much, and is proof of how strong your bond is. I agree, there is not much you can do until Doctor Beckett wakes him, but I do not want you to get too involved in your work that you are not there when that happens."

"John would understand."

"He would be...disappointed if you were not there."

Rodney turned away. "I should get ready."

"I will leave you then. Should you change your mind I will ensure Doctor Beckett informs you before he awakens John."

"Yes. Good. Thanks." Rodney nodded, keeping his back toward Teyla.

She touched the small of his back briefly, and then he heard the soft sound of the door closing behind her.

God. He was so tired and the little conversation he'd had with Teyla just exhausted him further. He'd been on edge for days, but now that John was on the mend he could finally relax, finally breathe.

Instead of turning to the bathroom and the shower like he'd told Teyla he was going to do, he moved back to the couch and ate the rest of the MRE almost automatically before heading back to bed.

This time he stripped down to his skin before he climbed in, falling asleep almost immediately, wishing John was by his side.

***

God, every nerve was on fire, burning, pressing, rubbing. He moaned softly, trying to shift away, only to be pulled short by something holding his wrists and ankles in place.

Panic started to thrum through him. Where was he? What was going on? Everything seemed lost in a haze he couldn't yet penetrate—he wasn't even entirely sure who he was, and that scared him further, making him pull against the bindings.

Light pressure on his arm—a hand?—made him turn his head, trying to force his eyes open.

"Shh…you're safe, you're going to be okay." The words were quiet, the voice familiar. The smell, though…he knew that smell.

He immediately stilled. Comfort. Safety. Love. That was a good smell, a person he could trust. He was still confused though, and more than a little scared. He made another attempt to open his eyes, to make a noise.

"I'm here. You're safe. Just rest. Everything's going to be okay." The hand squeezed his arm gently before sliding down to his own hand, fingers tangling with his own.

He clenched around the fingers, holding on, taking the comfort they offered. He swallowed a few times, trying to find words again. It felt like a long time since he had spoken last. "What...?"

"You're going to be fine."

"...happened?"

There was a deep sigh before the other person spoke again. "You were sick."

He shivered. "Hurts."

"I'll call Carson in," he said, shifting as he climbed to his feet, his fingers loosening.

Panic started to well again. "No. Stay. Please." He finally managed to pry his eyes open, the light making him moan in pain, but he needed Comfort to stay. He didn't know why yet, but it was important.

"I'll be right back, I promise."

He whimpered softly. "Hurry.... Scared. You make it... better."

Comfort squeezed his hand, his smell turning slightly sour as he worried, before he withdrew his hand, moving away, but not far. There were hushed words and another voice and then Comfort was back at his side.

"Carson will be here in a few minutes. He's with another patient."

Immediately relaxing again, he nodded. He still felt lost, but Comfort was taking care of it. He knew, on a level deeper than instinct, that he could trust him. He tried to move again, forgetting momentarily that he couldn't. When he was pulled up short, he made another noise of surprise, fingers opening, seeking reassurance.

Comfort's hand closed over his again, squeezing gently. "It's okay. You're going to be fine."

"Happened? Fog... Don't... remember."

"You were sick…got infected."

"...'fected?"

"A…a virus. Carson cured you, but it's going to take a little time for you to get back on your feet."

He forced his eyes to slit again, wincing at the light. For some reason, it seemed important that he look at himself. A vague uneasiness settled around him.

"Just close your eyes and rest. You need to rest."

He shuddered, catching a glimpse of blue that revolted him, made him pull at the restraints again before he closed his eyes. "Stay?"

"As long as I can."

"Comfort..."

There was a long silence before Comfort shifted in his chair. "I…what do you need?"

He moved his head slightly, turning it toward his north star and cracking his eyes. The vague outline of a man swam in front of him. "You. I... still confused but you... smell like home..."

"You can still smell me?"

He tried to nod, grimacing and squeezing his eyes closed when it made the pain flare again. "Yes. Good. Comforting."

"You said you could do that before…smell me, smell how I was feeling."

"Yes. Can tell you're worried. Smells... more sour. Don't want you to worry."

Comfort chuckled humorlessly. "I always worry."

"Not the same. Can tell you're... unhappy. Want to make you happy." He started to shift again. He needed to move, needed to make whatever was upsetting Comfort go away.

"Just get better. That will make me happy, John."

He jerked at the name, silently sounding it out. John. That sounded...familiar. "My name..?"

The worried smell intensified. "You…you don't remember?"

He squeezed the hand in his. "All foggy... Remember your smell, remember you mean home. Everything else... hurts to try and think about it."

"Just rest then."

"Still be here?" He felt himself getting tired, like his body was giving out, but it seemed important that he make sure Comfort was still going to be there, and wouldn't leave as soon as he fell asleep.

"Wait…Carson is coming. He needs to check on you."

Carson... another name that sounded... familiar somehow. "Comfort?"

"He's…he's your doctor."

He shook his head. "No, you…Comfort. I…You'll stay? Don't want to be alone..."

John heard Comfort swallow thickly. "I'm your…my name is Rodney."

Rodney. He mouthed the word silently, liking the way it tasted. Mmm, taste. He wanted to lick Rodney, but when he tried to move, he was once more jerked flat. This time he let out a frustrated growl. "I want... Rodney..."

"I'm here." Rodney's smell was sharp, unhappy, worried with an underscore of panic.

"Want to taste... Need you... need..."

"Carson's coming. He'll fix you right up."

"Please..." John—yes, that did feel right—cracked an eye again.

Comfort…Rodney was looking at him carefully, his blue eyes wide and slightly panicked. "Carson's coming. Just hang on and he'll make things better."

He didn't want his comfort to be upset, so he nodded. "Will make you happy again?"

"I just want you better."

"Okay. Want to make you happy."

"You do…in more ways than you know right now. Just rest. Carson's coming."

That sent a surge of pleasure though him, drowning out the pain. He made Rodney happy. Purring a little, he relaxed back into the bed, content to wait for 'Carson' because that was what Rodney wanted him to do.

Carson arrived a little while later, muttering apologies and getting a slew of words from Rodney in return, things that John didn't quite understand. A gentle touch on his other arm made him open his eyes slightly, seeing another face smiling down at him.

This one smelled familiar too. Not as good as Comfort, but still good. Healer. And he could tell Healer's presence was making Comfort—Rodney... he needed to remember their names, but it was so much easier to think of them by their smells...—more relaxed. "Help?"

"Aye, I'll try to do just that. Rodney here has said that you're in pain. Can you describe what you're feeling?"

He frowned slightly. Having Com...Rodney near was making it better, but now that he was focusing on it, everything came rushing back. He whimpered. "Hurts. Everywhere. Like... fire. Nerves on fire."

Carson nodded, already shifting toward some machines. "Let's see if I can fix that a little," he said, fiddling with something for a few seconds. John then felt a coolness entering his body.

Arching up, he tried to get more of the good feeling. "S'that? Like it."

"Something to make you a wee bit more comfortable. Just lie back and relax."

"Rodney says I've been sick. Getting better?"

"Aye, John, you are. Much better, but it's still gonna take a wee bit of time."

"Will I remember?"

"You should."

"Everything is foggy. Like I don't want to remember. Like it will hurt."

Carson patted his arm. "I'm sure everything will be fine if you just rest and let your body heal."

John looked at his arm again. "Why m'I blue? That doesn't seem right. You aren't blue."

"Just rest, John. You'll be better soon."

He was starting to get frustrated that they wouldn't answer his questions. Tensing his arms against the restraints—now that whatever he had been given was dulling the touch sensitivity, doing that didn't hurt as much—determining that he could break them if he really wanted to. "What happened to me?"

Carson glanced at Comf—Rodney—before turning back to him. "You were infected by a virus that altered your body's appearance. We were able to fix it but it will take a wee bit of time for you to get back to normal."

That made him open his eyes wide, ignoring the stab of pain the bright lights created. Flashes of memory, of changing, of becoming a monster filtered through and made him jerk, panicked.

"You're going to be just fine, lad. No need to worry."

"Monster..."

"No." This time Rodney answered, the word confident, sharp.

He shuddered, letting his muscles unclench. He turned his face, seeking reassurance from his comfort. "Still like me? Still make you happy?"

Rodney nodded. "Just get better."

John could taste the truth in the back of his throat, and it calmed him completely. "Okay. Sleep now? You'll still be here?"

"I'll…I'll try."

"Sleep better with you here. Need you." Whatever the Healer had given him, it was starting to take away his ability to think. He felt himself sliding into slumber, but he couldn't let go until he knew his mate would be there... Wait. "Mates?"

"Just sleep, John. It'll all make sense in the morning."

He started to struggle again, panic welling once more. No. Comfort…Rodney…was his. He needed... "Mine. Please? Mates? Need to know..."

Rodney's hand was on his arm, pressing him back down. "Yours, John. Always. Rest, please."

He did as his mate had asked, but tried to strain into the touch. "Good. Mine. Stay. Please?"

Rodney nodded. "For as long as I can."

With a small hum deep in his throat, John let the cool feeling in his veins wash away his awareness.  
  
He didn't know how long he slept, but when he surfaced again, he felt… odd. His mind was sharper, but his senses… The world felt duller, like he was missing information.  
  
Looking down, he saw that the blue mottling his arms was even fainter now although there were still restraints on his wrists and ankles. An experimental pull and he knew he wouldn't be able to break them.  
  
Swallowing, he realized he was thirsty. Very thirsty. He made a soft noise, hoping there was someone nearby to hear.

No one came.

Rodney wasn't... his ability to smell the other man was gone, and his range of vision in the restraints was limited. But his lover wasn't here, wasn't... John whimpered. He was thirsty and uncomfortable and itchy and he wanted Rodney to kiss him and tell him it was going to be all right.

He shifted and felt a hardness near his hand, something small and he fingered it, surprised when part of it moved.

He had to think for a minute, his mind still a little sluggish. Ah. Call button. Pressing it, he wondered how long he had been unconscious.

He heard hurried feet before someone dashed into the room—Carson. "John, you're awake. How are you doing, lad?"

John blinked slowly. "Better. I... can think a little more clearly now. Remember a bit more. My senses don't seem as sharp, either—I can't smell you anymore. Thirsty though."

"Good. Then you're progressing as well as I'd hoped. And I can help with the thirst part," he said, his hand reached for the button to move the back of John's bed so he was sitting up a little. Carson moved to a small table and poured him a glass of water and added a straw as he walked back to John, holding it just within reach.

Leaning forward, John drank almost half the glass in large sips before it was pulled away. He made a noise of protest—he was still thirsty!

"Slow down a bit. I don'na want you to get sick. You havena been up and about for a week or so. Let's take it slowly."

John's eyes widened. "A...week?" When the straw was brought close, he sipped slower this time.

"Aye. I've been keeping you under to better manage your pain."

John leaned back slightly once the water was gone. "I'm still light blue. But it doesn't hurt as much. Is that because of drugs, or because I'm getting better?"

"Both. I've been weaning you off the drugs, but you're still on a pretty strong dose."

Looking down, John tugged at the restraints. "Are these still necessary? Am I still on the inhibitor at all?"

"You're still stronger than most of my staff, so yes, they are necessary for now. You were a tad bit unruly at times." Carson smiled softly. "I know you don't like them, so as soon as I think you're ready I'll take them off. They are there for your protection as much as for my staff."

He sighed, but nodded. "I don't think I can break them now. Before…when I woke up for a while... I think I could have. I thought about it, but Rodney didn't want me to do anything except stay here and rest, so I didn't."

"Good. And you sound like yourself. Let's give it a bit more and then we'll consider it."

Looking at his arms again, John clenched his hands into fists—other than the blue tint of his arms, they were the most visible change he could see. They didn't look as bad as the claws he remembered, but they weren't hands again yet, either. "How long until I'm human again? Completely?"

Carson sighed quietly. "I'm not gonna lie to you. It's gonna take time, but you're progressing well."

He wanted to howl, but knew it wouldn't do any good so he clamped down on the instinct. "Did I... hurt anyone? Other than a few flashes, most of what happened while I was changed is a blur. I remember most of what happened when I was on the drugs I think, and I remember Rodney, but other than that, it's just all a swirl of sound and need and smell."

"A few of the Marines we had guarding you got roughed up, but they're already back on their feet. Nothing to worry about."

"I... didn't kill anyone?"

"Nae, not a one."

John couldn't help the shudder of relief that went through him. His body seemed to give out, sinking into the mattress. "Oh god, thank god... I remember…I remember smelling blood and...and wanting it, wanting more... I was so afraid I'd..."

"Everyone's fine. Did you want me to track down Rodney for you?"

"Yes…if he's not sleeping. I remember that I never forgot him. On some level, he was... safe from me, and I would do anything to protect him. I need to see for myself that he really is okay. That I didn't... hurt him. I wanted to…to take him, claim him. But I think I still had enough of my mind left to know I couldn't, even if I didn't always know why."

"If you had, you would have infected him as well and we'd be in a mite bit of trouble. I don'na know how his artificial gene would have reacted to the virus."

John shivered again as his body went cold with the thought. "I could have killed him."

"Maybe." Carson shrugged. "We don'na know for sure how he would have reacted, but it would have been much more difficult to treat him."

Closing his eyes, John bit down on his tongue until he tasted blood trying to get control again. "Can I see him? I need to see that he's really okay."

"Aye. Let me track him down. He's been holing up in his lab."

"Thank you. Also…can I eat? Real food I mean. I know the IV is giving me the nutrients, but some comfort food would be really nice right now."

"You're hungry?" Carson asked, his hand pausing mid-rise.

"Not really. I just…want to remember what it feels like to eat if that makes any sense. Feeding and eating kind of got... turned around in my head. I want to know that I can still eat real food and...and like it."

"Aye. I'll get a tray for you, something light." Carson narrowed his eyes and offered a nod. "Aye. Something light would be good. Let me get Rodney and then I'll see about your food. Okay?"

John nodded. "Okay. And…thanks. For everything."

"Don'na thank me. I was the one who got you in this predicament in the first place." He moved to the door, pausing on the threshold. "I'll be right back."

"Carson? You made a mistake, yes, but none of us here can't say we haven't done the same. I woke the damn Wraith, Rodney blew up a solar system... in the grand scheme of things, you only effected one person, both of us have made mistakes that effected whole populations, whole worlds. So don't beat yourself up over it, okay? And you managed to reverse your mistake—neither Rodney nor I can say that. It counts for a lot."

The Scot shrugged, moving into the hallway without another word.

John sighed and shifted around his bed, trying to find a comfortable position. Most of his body itched—he guessed it was the scales turning back into skin, but he tried not to think too hard about it. He had resorted to counting the Ancient equivalent of ceiling tiles when he heard footsteps again.

Glancing over toward the door, John was surprised—and happy—to see it was Rodney. Carson must have lit a fire under the Canadian, but god…he looked exhausted.

"John?" The word was quiet, careful as he paused by the door, peering into the room.

"Rodney." He made his voice warm, welcoming—well, as much as he could under the circumstances. "Hey, buddy."

"Hey." Rodney shuffled forward, the dim light only emphasizing the dark circles under his eyes. "Carson said you were awake. How are you feeling?"

"Better. My mind is sharper, and my senses duller. You look like hell though. Have you been sleeping?"

Rodney shrugged. "Some."

The need to wrap his arms around his lover, comfort him, hold him and keep him safe while he slept... it was almost overwhelming. "Rodney... God, I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Rodney said, shaking his head as he stepped forward. "You sound better…look better."

"I'm still blue, but Carson says it's fading. I haven't seen a mirror... is my face... Do I still look like..."

"You're better. Your eyes are still…cat-like though. I'm sure they'll change back soon."

"Light still hurts a little," he confessed. John dropped his voice to a soft whisper. "I wish I could kiss you right now."

"I…ah…" Rodney glanced over his shoulder before stepping closer. "If you're quick I’m sure it would be fine."

John made a needy noise, and wished his hands were free. "Rodney," he breathed. "God, I need you. I miss you, your taste..."

"Shh…I'm here," he said, moving closer, his hands bracing himself against the pillow on either side of John's head. He leaned down slowly, but it wasn't fast enough so John lifted his head to meet him, tasting his lover for the first time in…for the first time in weeks.

Moaning, John opened his mouth, inviting Rodney in. With their current position, as much as he wanted to take the lead, Rodney had the leverage.

But his lover was careful, gentle, like he thought John would break or something.

His mouth was the only tool John had right now, so he used it to his best advantage. Taking over, he pushed his tongue into Rodney's mouth, sweeping it, searching out the lingering flavors from whatever he had eaten for dinner. Then he pulled back slightly, nipping on his lover's bottom lip.

Rodney was breathing heavily, his eyes closed as he hovered over John.

"When I'm released, can you arrange for us both to have a day off? Where we won't be disturbed and we can spend the whole day together, just us?"

"I'll…" Rodney paused, pulling back as he pulled himself back together. "I'll try."

John watched him, aching to hold the other man. "Do the best you can. We need some time to decompress and reconnect."

Rodney nodded, licking his lips as he opened his eyes, moving to tug the chair nearer so he could sit down. "How are you feeling?"

"Better. Itchy. It's weird, I'm glad to be able to think straight again, but I can still tell I'm a little sluggish. And the world feels a little like it's wrapped in cotton—I guess I'll have to readjust to not having heightened senses."

"Everything going back to normal, eh?"

"Getting there." John shot him a lopsided grin before sobering as he glanced down at his hands. "I can't wait for it to be over, and to be completely me again."

"You will," Rodney said, covering one of John's hands with his own. "Carson said you're doing well."

"I know, and I can feel the difference, it's just... I hate these scales and the, the bug-parts. I want to look down and see fingers, not claws, and pink, not blue."

"You will."

"I want to touch you again, feel your skin under my hands, hear the little noises you make..." John swallowed hard.

Rodney nodded, squeezing John's hand. "You will."

Needing to change the subject before the depression and despair trying to build overwhelmed him, John squeezed back lightly in thanks. "Carson is bringing me a tray to try some real food again. The kitchen do anything spectacular lately that I should hope to see?"

Rodney snorted and shook his head. "Usual shit, different day."

"No honey cakes? I love when they make those."

"No. Nothing like that…least not that I've seen." Rodney shifted in his chair. "Maybe I should see what's taking Carson so long with that food."

"No! Stay, please?" John looked up through his eyelashes. "I like having you here, nearby. It's... comforting."

Rodney nodded, settling back down. He was quiet for a long moment, his thumb trailing over the back of John's hand. "I thought we'd lost you."

Swallowing John nodded. "You nearly did. I don't remember much, and what I do see clearly is mostly from when I was doped up on inhibitors, but... there wasn't much of me left."

"I know."

"You though. I knew you, knew you were important even if I didn't know why anymore. You were the last thing I held on to."

"You were still protecting me…as far gone as you were. I knew you wouldn't hurt me."

John finally met his lover's eyes. "I loved you even as a bug—and if that's not the title of a really bad sci-fi flick, I don't know what is."

Rodney offered a sad smile. "I’m just glad you're getting better."

"Me, too. Rodney... God, I love you, and you have no idea how much it's killing me that I can't even hold you right now."

"Carson told me I can't undo them yet," he said quietly. "I know how much you hate them."

"I know, and I know why and I even agree with it but... Fuck, I just want... I need... I really miss the way you feel against me, wrapped around me."

"I know," Rodney said, squeezing John's hand.

John jerked at the straps a little. "I could have broken them. Before. Last time I woke up. But I knew you wanted me to stay put, so I didn't. Now... now I know I'm not strong enough to get out without help."

"Means you're getting better."

"I know. It just…sucks."

Rodney was quiet for a long moment, his next words whispered. "I can…if you want."

John's eyes snapped up and he licked his lips. "I'm... as much as I want them off, I'm still a security risk. I understand that. But you could... it's late, right? Get in bed with me? Just for a little bit?"

"We have to wait until after you eat."

"But you'll lie with me for a little bit? I... think I need that. Just until I fall asleep again?"

"I…I'll do more than that if you want…after."

John moaned a little, arching his body up involuntarily as all the possible meanings of that statement rolled through him.

Rodney looked up at him through his eyelashes, his cheeks a little red. "Would you…is that something you'd like?"

"Oh, yes..." It came out as a breathy whisper.

Rodney nodded, offering a small smile. "Okay."

"Love you."

"I know," he said, squeezing his hand as Carson moved into the room already talking even before his feet crossed the threshold.

"Alright, here we go," he said, placing the tray on the bedside table before he moved to the bed, unbuckling John's wrists.

John's eyes widened. "I... they can come off?"

"You are perfectly capable of feeding yourself, but I'll have to put them back on tonight."

Nodding, John moved his arms around, stretching them above his head, reveling in the freedom of movement. "Understood. How long until I can have them off permanently?"

"We'll take this one day at a time," Carson said, moving to John's feet and unhooking his ankles as well. "While you're not restrained, I want you to stay on the bed. You have far too many wires and tubes connected and they need to stay in place for now. Understood?"

With a soft moan of pleasure, John pulled his legs up. God, it felt good to move.

"Colonel, I need your verbal acknowledgement."

Opening eyes that had fallen closed as he stretched, John nodded. "Don't get off the bed, restraints have to go back on after I eat. Got it. But, ah, don't be surprised if it takes me a little while to eat. It feels damn good to be able to move a little. You have no idea how incredibly uncomfortable I was."

"I have an idea, aye. Now see how much you can eat, but don't over-do it."

"How many people are up and in the infirmary right now?" John nibbled on his lower lip.

"A handful. There's a wee bit of a flu bug going 'round. Why?"

John nibbled his lip a little more, looking over at Rodney. "Quiet enough that he could sit up here with me while I eat, and for a little bit before the restraints have to go back on?"

Carson's eyebrow rose as he looked at John. "I don'na think you're up for anything."

John blushed. "I know. I just... want to touch. Be touched. For a little while."

"You have an hour."

"Deal." John held out a hand to his lover. "Come sit with me. If you sit behind me, I can eat and we can touch."

"It would be easier if you just ate first," Rodney said quietly.

"I only have an hour." John licked his lips. "And I'm not really hungry, per se. I... still want you to stay until I fall asleep, but... I also want to be able to touch."

"I'm here," Rodney said, scooting his chair closer as the door to the room slid shut as Carson left them alone.

Picking up a piece of what looked like a carrot but tasted like a peach from the tray John nibbled it hesitantly. He couldn't keep the relief off his face when it didn't repulse him or taste bad.

"Tastes good?"

"Yeah," John breathed reaching for something else. "I was worried."

"Nothing to be worried about. Carson actually made his usual voodoo into real medicine for once."

"I know. But it's nice to have some proof, too." Smiling, John nibbled on a few more things, remembering Carson's warnings to take it easy. "Okay, I'm done. Come up here now?"

"But you barely ate anything," Rodney protested as John pushed the table away, letting it roll to the side, stopping when it hit the wall.

"The IV is still giving me what I need to survive. I just wanted to make sure I could eat real food again. Carson told me to take it easy and not overdo it."

"And you listened?" Rodney sounded shocked and almost normal.

Smirking a little, John held out his hand again. "I listen...when it suits me."

Rodney hesitated for a moment before taking John's hand, letting him tug him up onto the too-small hospital bed.

They had to be careful of all the wires and tubes, but as soon as he had his arms around Rodney, tension John didn't even know he had drained out. He pushed his face into Rodney's neck inhaling. "Thought I'd never get to do this again."

His lover shifted, hand reached around to the side of the bed. A few seconds later the head of the bed started to lower, putting John flat on his back, Rodney curled up over him.

Purring, John pushed closer. "Mmmm."

"That's better," Rodney said quietly. "My spine won't get out of alignment."

"When I'm released, I'll work all the kinks out for you. I can tell you're hurting from the way you were carrying yourself earlier."

"Mmm…whatever," Rodney murmured, his hand sliding under John's scrub top to find skin—or whatever John currently had as skin.

John hadn't seen what the rest of his body looked like—he was almost afraid. "Is it…do I... am I still scaly?"

"You're fine," Rodney said, the words mushed into John's shoulder.

"Repulsive..." John whispered, shuddering a bit even as he started to work a hand between them, needing to feel for himself whether it was skin and hair or disgusting scales.

"Stop squirming."

"Need to know. Am I more human than bug? Or still more bug than anything else?"

"You're still changing. I'm not sure what the current ratio is."

Shuddering again, John managed to get a finger in, feeling the rough scratch of scales. He couldn't help the tears that leaked out. He was so fucking drained physically and emotionally, and he still wasn't even really human, not completely, and how could Rodney even want to touch him like this?

But Rodney was snuggled up against him like nothing was wrong, like he was normal.

"How?"

"What?"

"Touch me? How can you want to—" He cut himself off, another tear making it out, much to his frustration and embarrassment.

Rodney shifted, pushing himself up so he could look down at John. "I love you."

"But I'm not, I'm fucking disgusting right now. I don't even want to touch me."

"Would you be more comfortable if I left?"

In response, John tightened his grip. "No, don't... Am I selfish? I hate the way I am right now, but I want…want you here, near me. It…makes it easier."

"I'm here. Can we just…hold each other for a little bit?"

Nodding, John buried his face against his lover, letting the familiar smell and feel calm him, comfort him. It was going to be okay. He was changing back, this was only temporary.

He was a little surprised when a light touch on his arm woke him. "John? How you doing, laddie?"

"Did we fall asleep?"

"Aye. Rodney still sleeping?"

John turned his head slightly, smiling when he caught sight of his lover, completely passed out and dead to the world. "Yeah. I get the impression he hasn't slept much, if at all, since I got sick. I hate to wake him."

"Then don't. He needs the sleep."

"You'll let me stay free to sleep?"

"Between the wires and tubes and Rodney sprawled across you, I don'na think you're going anywhere."

John gave the doctor the most grateful look he was capable of. "Thank you."

"I had a feeling he'd fall asleep if I left the two of you alone."

"He needs it. I asked him, but I probably should have just come to you. Once I'm clean again, can you arrange for us both to have a day off-duty? I think we could both use some down time to just be together."

"Aye, you certainly need the time. I'll see what I can do. Although, if Rodney continues the way he's been going, I wil'na need to do much. Sleep well, John. I'll bring breakfast for the two of you in the morning."

"Thanks, Carson. You're a good friend." John smiled, wrapped his arms a little tighter around his lover, and shifting a leg so Rodney wouldn't be able to so much as twitch without him knowing about it.

Carson checked a few readings from the monitors before moving to John, taking a few hands-on checks of his own. The last few were directed solely at Rodney, a few light touches and then Carson was scribbling notes in a chart.

"How is he, really? I can see how exhausted he is, but..."

"I think his pressure is up, but I canna check that without the cuff and I don'na want to wake him. He's been worried, working to forget. When he does sleep, he crashes for hours. Teyla had to get him to eat a few days ago when we first brought you back. He ended up sleeping most of the day."

John made a mental note to do something really nice for his team when he was out of here. "Get me human again, Doc, and then I'll get him back into his routine again and well-rested."

"I'm doin' my best, John."

"I know. And I appreciate it." Yawning, John felt the pull of sleep again.

"I won't let anyone in here. If you need anything, I'll be on duty tonight. Feel free to use the call button."

Nodding sleepily, John smiled. "You need t'sleep too. Look exhausted."

"I'll get some soon enough. Good night, John." Carson spread an extra blanket over the two of them, tucking in the side.

"Night." The door slid shut behind Carson a few seconds later, leaving John and Rodney alone. Nuzzling his nose back into his favorite spot, John let out a happy sigh. He might not be fully human yet, but he was getting there. Everything really was going to be just fine.

The next week and a half were long for John. He saw Rodney every night, after everyone else had left, and even if they didn’t sleep tangled together the entire night, they did at least doze for a while together.

His body was slowly changing back. During the day, for the first few days after John had completely woken up himself, he was still in restraints. But once the retrovirus had faded to the point where he had normal strength, he was allowed a bit more freedom of movement.

Although he was well aware of the guard posted at the infirmary doors, on the off-chance he was stupid enough to try and make a break for it.

Finally, all that was left of the horrible fucking thing he had been was a small blue mole on his arm, right where Ellia had first scratched him. Glancing up from his contemplation of it, John made a face at Beckett as the other man walked into the room. “This isn’t going to fade away, is it? It’s going to be my…scar from all this.”

"It'll go away. It just seems to need a wee bit more time."

John rubbed it absently. "I suppose living with a blue spot is better than being scaly and buggy. And I can always have Ronon cut it out if it doesn't go away on its own."

"John," Carson said, glancing up sharply from the chart he was writing in, "since when do you not trust my medical judgment?"

Giving his doctor a sheepish look, John shrugged. "Sorry. I just... kind of hate it. The mole I mean."

"I know. It will go away. Just give it some time."

"Right. In the meantime... Can I actually go home now? No offense, but I really miss my own bed."

"Aye, you can go. But you're still off-duty for another three days."

John grinned—he was aware it was probably somewhat lecherous, but he hadn't had sex in weeks. Weeks! "What about McKay? Did you manage to get him some time, too?"

"I have'na been able to pin him down long enough to check him over." Carson sighed. "I canna just take him off duty for no reason."

He shrugged. "Make up a reason. Hell, tell everyone you want someone to keep an eye on me because of this damn mole, and since McKay is both my roommate and teammate—not to mention likely to come screaming to you if I so much as twitch wrong—he's the one you're picking."

"If I needed to keep an eye on you, you wouldn't be leaving the infirmary," Carson said, rolling his eyes. "Colonel Caldwell is still here, too, so you need to be a bit more discreet."

John jerked. "Shit. I forgot about him. I'm surprised he hasn't been down here to check up on me, make sure I'm not decapitating the nursing staff and sucking the blood of passing Marines."

"He's been getting daily reports."

"Lovely." John rubbed at the back of his neck. "I should probably go see if I still have a command, or if he's managed to take it over completely."

"You may want to wait until after he leaves to do that," Carson said quietly. "In the meantime, though, if you can find Rodney and send him down for a check-up, I might be able to get you both some free time."

"That bad?" John sighed. "You know, between evil space vampires, homicidal Amish, and almost being turned into a bug, maybe it's time I look into retirement."

"Elizabeth was none too happy about the changes Caldwell was making if that's any indication. You may want to check with Major Lorne, however."

Jumping off the table, feeling good in real clothes for the first time in weeks, John nodded. "I will, thanks. Am I free to go, or are there still soldiers lying in wait to ambush me?"

"You're free to go, but remember you're off duty."

"Right. No paperwork or shooting things. I can handle that." John gave his friend a cheeky smile. "Seriously, I won't overdo it. I just want to talk to Lorne and find out how things are going, then I'll find McKay and send him on down."

"Teyla might know where he is."

John made a face. He was going to have to face her sooner or later. "Thanks. All right, anything else I need to know? When should I check back in?"

"I want to see you in three days for a check-up, or earlier if something odd happens."

"I can do that. Thanks, Carson." John was antsy to be free, edging for the door.

The Scot nodded. "And let's try to keep you out of the infirmary for the next little while."

"Trust me, it's my fondest wish." With a wave, John slipped out the door and headed for the exit. Freedom!

"Three days, Colonel!"

"I will!" John called out behind him as he made it clear of the infirmary. His first goal was Lorne—he was putting off the chat with Teyla for as long as possible. Heading for his own office, John figured that was the most likely place to find Lorne.

But of course it was empty and had been cleaned—all his papers in the out basket, none in the "in"—when he arrived, with no sign of his second.

Huh. Well, Lorne knew of some of the hidden offices. Carson had kept his radio, so that was out. Besides, he didn't really want Caldwell to know he was up and about just yet.

But without a way to track down Lorne without announcing his departure from the infirmary, Sheppard figured the next best thing was to track Rodney down. He tried their room and the labs, but both came up empty—although Radek looked happy to see him.

"Colonel, you are looking well, much better than before."

"Considering I was a bug before, I'm not sure that's a compliment, Radek." John grinned. "Have you seen Rodney or my second? They both seem to be in hiding today."

"Lorne I have not seen. Rodney was here before. He wasn't in infirmary when Doctor Beckett released you?"

"No." Running a hand through his hair, John glanced around before shrugging. "I'll just keep looking then. I don't have a radio since I'm not back on duty yet. If you see either of them, send them my way, would you?"

"And you're going to be…"

"Looking for them." John laughed. "If I don't find them in an hour or so, I'm grabbing lunch in the mess and then heading to quarters to rest."

Radek nodded. "I'll send them your way if I see either of them, which is doubtful, but just in case, I will."

With another wave, John was off again. He wandered by his other office—no Lorne, damn it! Where was the man hiding—and even poked a head into the mess. He saw Caldwell there, and saw the other man recognize him, but ducked out before he could call an order to come in. Quickly ducking around a corner, John hoped he had given the Colonel the slip.

Rounding another corner he spotted David Parrish, his nose deep into a thick book as he walked through the halls.

Grinning, John called out, stepping in his path. "Parrish!"

"Sir! Oh, you're looking better. Less blue," he said absently.

John raised an eyebrow but fell into step beside the scientist. "Thanks. I'm feeling a lot better, too. I don't suppose you happen to know where Lorne or McKay could be found, do you?"

"Huh. That's a tough one. Evan mentioned something about a meeting with Caldwell and I haven't seen Doctor McKay in ages. Did you try the labs?"

Running a hand through his hair, John resisted the urge to huff in frustration. "Yes, I did try the labs, and I just saw Caldwell in the mess—sans Lorne. I'm beginning to get a complex that they only two people I need to see are so completely unreachable right now."

"Have you tried calling them on the radio?"

"Don't have one. I'm not back on duty yet, and if Beckett catches me on the airwaves, I'll be confined back to the infirmary." John sighed. "Can you try reaching Lorne? I know he'll at least respond to you, and won't tip off Caldwell that I'm looking for him."

"Sure, of course," he said, closing his book, but leaving his finger in the pages to hold his space. His free hand tapped his radio. "Parrish to Lorne." There was a long pause before he continued. "You in the middle of something? Uh huh. Yeah. Sure, sounds good. Thanks. Parrish out." He glanced back up at John. "He's getting ready for his meeting with Caldwell. Says he'll be out in an hour."

Sighing, John quirked his lips. "I won't wait for him then. When you see him later, tell him to come find me before Caldwell does. I want to know what I'm walking in to before I'm officially back on duty and fighting for my job."

"I know he was planning on a briefing in the next few days, once you were released back to light duty. I'm sure he'll be around tonight."

"Yeah, I'd like to have an unofficial briefing before we do the official one—I'm willing to bet Caldwell will be there for that one. All right, I should be in quarters tonight. Tell him if he can stop by for an hour or so, I'd appreciate it."

Parrish nodded. "Want me to find Doctor McKay for you?"

John shook his head. "Nah, I don't want him to know I'm coming. I'll track down one of my teammates. They'll know where he's holed up."

"Oh, okay. I think Teyla has some classes scheduled today in the gym. Not sure what Ronon was doing."

"They're easier to find in general. A six-foot-tall guy with dreads and knives tends to be easier to spot in a crowd than an average-height scientist in uniform." John waved at the book Parrish was still holding. "And I don't want to keep you from your work. Thanks again."

"Not a problem. If you need any more help just let me know,” he said, starting off down the hall again, his book open.

Chuckling, John was grateful it was Lorne in that relationship and not him. He had a feeling Parrish was the one who wore the pants.

He made his way to the gym, nodding to a few Marines he passed along the way. He was a little embarrassed that they all seemed more than a little happy to see him mobile again. But maybe that was just because he was no longer blue and a security risk.

Slipping inside, he saw Teyla was just finishing up her current class, so he leaned against the wall to watch.

If John wasn't already in a relationship, he could picture himself with Teyla—although he might not enjoy getting his ass kicked all the time. She finished up and moved over to John, wiping down her face with a towel.

"Colonel, should you be up and about?"

Rubbing the back of his neck, John resisted the urge to scuff his toes like a five-year-old. He walked over to the rack and picked up a couple of the sticks, twirling them a little. It was weird, he could remember the way it had felt so natural, but now it was back to a low-grade effort to remember how to make his body move the right way. "Well, I've been cooped up in that damned infirmary for a couple of weeks. Give me a break."

He could feel her eyes on him. "You are looking well. Are you feeling more like yourself?"

"Well, according to my DNA, I'm 100 percent John Sheppard again. Although, I gotta say, I'm looking forward to getting rid of this thing one day." He pointed to the blue mole. "Doc says it will clear up eventually..."

Trailing off, John looked up at his teammate for a moment, feeling awkward. "Ah, so listen. While I've been laying there the past few weeks, I've been remembering things. Some things I might have done that you could call 'out of character...'"

"You mean when you attacked the security detail," she said, her eyes showing understanding.

Quirking his lips up, John nodded. "Yeah, that was one of them."

"Yes," she said offering a smile and a slight inclination of her head.

Unable to meet her eyes, John dropped his gaze, fiddling with the sticks in his hand a bit uncomfortably. "There's another thing I should probably apologize for..."

She shook her head. "Give it no further thought."

Looking up in surprise, John was a little overwhelmed and the understanding and affection he saw. God he was lucky to have a team that was also like a family. He smiled a bit shyly, but with real relief. "Good. I won't."

"It is nice to have you back," she said, turning away from him for a moment, before pausing and turning again, offering him a warm smile, "...John."

He grinned, letting out a sigh. She was almost out of the gym before he remembered the other reason he had come here. "Oh! Teyla, wait. I, ah, was also wondering if you knew where McKay was hiding. He's not in the lab, and no one has seen him."

She paused, her body tensing slightly. "Have you tried your quarters? Or perhaps the small lab he keeps on the lower level? He has been spending much time in both locations since you have been sick."

"I'll try those. Thanks Teyla. I'll…ah…catch you later? Maybe we could have a team night before I go back on duty...?"

She nodded. "I would like that and I believe it would be good for all of us."

"Yeah... Me, too." He smiled, turning to put the sticks back on the rack. Hearing the door close behind him, he slumped into it, letting his shoulders sag. Fuck. She might have verbally forgiven him, but he could feel that she was still a little uncomfortable. How long was it going to take him to fix this fucking mess he had managed to make? It didn't matter that he hadn't been entirely in his right mind—he had to live with the consequences either way.

Once he'd gotten his composure back, he headed out again, deciding to try the small lab first—one of Rodney's haunts when he didn't want to be disturbed. It was a few levels down from the main lab, in a small corridor providing him quiet and privacy.

Slipping inside, John called out, keeping his voice relatively low because of the peace around the place. "Rodney? Are you down here?"

There was evidence the scientist had been there—various laptops, some of which were still cycling simulations and running equations, were scattered about. There were food wrappers—mostly PowerBars and MREs—along with several empty, dirty coffee mugs. Yep. He'd been down here alright.

Despite his protestations that he was completely fine now, John knew he was probably overdoing it, walking all over the city. Figuring Rodney would be back down eventually to check on the things he had running, John found a handy patch of floor and slid along the wall until he was seated, head resting against the cool surface, eyes closed.

When he opened his eyes again it was dark, the little light from the outside gone, the lab illuminated by the small lamps set up around the room. John squinted, trying to get his bearings, figure out what woke him. He spotted Rodney a minute later, hunched over a laptop, his fingers slowly poking at the keyboard.

"Hey." His voice felt rough, and his body twinged—extended sitting on the hard, cold ground was not wise for a man pushing forty.

Rodney's head shot up, his eyes casting around the room. "Who's there? What do you want?"

"S'me. I've been here for a while apparently. Wasn't dark when I got here." Carefully, John pushed himself up, using the wall as leverage.

Rodney was at his side a moment later, helping him upright. "What are you doing down here? Why aren't you in bed resting?"

"I was looking for you. I saw the sims running and figured you'd be back eventually. I promised Carson I would find you and send you to him."

"Why?" Rodney straightened, his body tensing. "I'm fine. You were the one who was turned into a bug."

"I know. But he can't put us both on leave at the same time unless he actually examines you and finds a reason. I have three—well two more now—days before I'm back on duty. I was hoping you could take one of them off with me."

"But I'm fine and I have work to do."

Leaning into his lover, John soaked up the heat the other man put out. "You can't take a day off? We've had a rough couple of weeks. And I really, really want to spend a day together, just us. You naked except for your jewelry, available to be played with whenever and however I want..."

"You know I'd love to but there's…things that need to get done. I can't just take a day off willy-nilly." Rodney moved to untangle himself, but John wasn't letting go yet.

He pushed his face into Rodney's neck, finding a patch of skin and sucking lightly—not enough to leave a mark, but enough that his lover would feel it. "Miss you."

"John…" Rodney protested. "Anyone could walk in."

Sighing, John straightened. He really didn't want to make it an order. He had promised not to interfere in Rodney's work, but his lover needed the break, badly. "Rodney...are you protesting because there really are things that absolutely need to get done this week, or are you protesting for some other reason? And don't try to lie to me—you know I'll be able to tell, and it will only piss me off."

His lover was silent and that was more telling than anything he could have said.

Slipping a finger under Rodney's chin, John forced the other man to look up at him. "Tell me what's wrong. I can't help if you won't talk to me."

"I'll go see Carson."

Running his thumb along Rodney's jaw, John was pleased to see his lover reacting, his body responding as a sub to his top. "Good. But I still want to know what's bothering you, too. I don't want you to be unhappy."

Rodney's eyes closed as he leaned into John as if he were touch-starved. "…lost you."

God...they needed this even more than John had realized. Rodney needed this, needed to be reassured. He stepped closer, pulling Rodney into the circle of his arms. "I'm here now. And I didn't stop fighting. For you, for us. I held on because I didn't want to let you go."

"I know," Rodney whispered, wrapping his arms around John. "But I almost lost you."

"I'm sorry. I wish I could promise it would never happen again..." John pressed his lips against Rodney's temple. "That neither of us would ever be in danger. I can't, but I wish I could. In the meantime, let me take care of you now, okay? Let's go to Carson and get you a day off, and tomorrow I'll spend the day just taking care of you."

"I know my blood pressure's up," Rodney said quietly. "I can tell. And I haven't been eating regularly, so my levels are probably off."

"And you haven't been sleeping very well, either, have you?" John smiled softly, knowing his expression was full of affection and more. "But we'll get that all straightened out. Just submit to me, let me take over. God, I love you, Rodney."

"Hard to sleep alone now," Rodney grumbled.

John chuckled. "Yeah, same here. But sleeping alone sucks any way you slice it. Knowing your partner is in the infirmary—or down the hall—and you can't be with him is even worse."

"You were drugged up to your eyeballs. That's different."

"But I'm not now. And I've been released. Are you done here? Can we go swing by to see Carson and then go to bed and spend the night wrapped around each other?"

"I need to finish a few things."

John tilted Rodney's face up for a brief, though deep, kiss. "Then finish what you need to. I'll sit here quietly and try not to be distracting."

Rodney looked like he was going to protest for a moment, but then nodded, sliding out of John's embrace to move back to the computers. He worked steadily for nearly half-an-hour, before nodding to himself, shutting down all but one of the machines. "I need to check this one at some point tomorrow afternoon."

"Can you bring it with you and do it from the apartment?" John had jumped up on a nearby empty lab table and had been swinging his legs absently while he indulged in just watching Rodney work. It was fascinating and arousing and incredibly sexy.

Rodney shook his head. "I can't disconnect it and I don't want to interrupt what it's been running for the past week. I'll lose all the data."

"Okay. I'll bring you down here at some point tomorrow, then."

"Okay," he said, looking a little sheepish. "Infirmary?"

John jumped down. "Yup. Let's go get that taken care of. I also need to track Lorne down still. Slippery bastard has been giving me the slip all day."

"If you need to find him, I can go and see Carson. I promise not to skip out on him."

John hesitated, then nodded, smiling. He stepped in for another kiss before Rodney had a chance to move away. "Sounds like a plan. Do we have food at the apartment? If not, want to swing by the mess and grab us some dinner before meeting me at home?"

"I can," Rodney said, nodding. "I don't know how much is in the apartment."

"Good. I'll meet you there in a bit then." John stole another quick kiss before letting go.

"John?" Rodney said quietly, just as John reached the door.

He stopped, looking back. "Yeah?"

"I'm really glad you're okay."

"Me, too, Rodney. Me, too." With a soft look, John promised as much as he could before slipping out, heading to their quarters. Hopefully Lorne would be lurking nearby and he could get this taken care of quickly.

A quick survey of the area showed there was no sign of his second, so with a sigh, John ducked into his quarters, coming up short as soon as he stepped inside.

Holy crap. What a mess.

There was stuff everywhere. Half-finished MREs. Cups. Dishes. DVD cases littered the floor in front of the couch, the DVDs themselves could have been anywhere. A few of Rodney's blue science shirts were hanging from the back of the chairs, one was shoved between the pillows on the couch.

The bedroom was no better.

He closed his eyes and counted to ten. There was no point getting irritated, and he knew Rodney had barely been struggling to get by. With a soft sigh, he decided to start with the bedroom, straightening up and putting things away, throwing away the trash as he came across it.

Several of John's shirts were tangled with the bed sheets—shirts John remembered putting away after Rodney had done the laundry before everything went to hell.

He blinked at them, eyes widening as he realized Rodney had actually pulled his clothes out to snuggle with. Fuck—his lover really was walking a fine line of coping with everything.

He pulled everything apart, dumping the sheets in the corner—they needed to do laundry anyway—and re-made the bed with clean sheets and blankets. The shirts and other clothes John found—boxers, pants, socks—decorated the top of the pile.

Apparently all of Rodney's shirts were in the living room. What the hell was he doing when he got home? Stripping as he walked to the bedroom?

Walking back out, John started rounding everything up—he was going to have to make the time to clean everything tomorrow. Once Rodney was deep enough in headspace, he would give the other man an easy task to help with.

And at some point, he'd have to have a talk with Rodney about cleanliness and add to his household responsibilities.

The living room didn't take long to straighten; most of it was garbage or dirty dishes. The DVDs were another matter entirely. Most of them were MIA. God only knew what Rodney had done with them, or what laptop he'd used. There were no laptops left in the apartment which meant that there were probably DVDs in every one of Rodney's computers.

Rolling his eyes, John peeled his shirt off, but left his pants where they were, in the off chance his XO decided to pop in before Rodney got here. He dropped into the now cleared couch, sprawling out to wait.

He was starting to doze a little when the door opened—Rodney. He was carrying an overloaded tray and had several blister packs of pills shoved under the plate and between the cutlery.

"Oh. You're here."

John smiled and spread his legs, letting his posture drip sex. "Where else would I be?"

"I…ah…" Rodney's eyes dropped to John's crotch. "You were going to talk to Lorne. I was going to…ah…clean up, but you…ah, you did it already."

John shifted a little, getting instant gratification when Rodney eyes widened a bit. "I looked around for him some, but I can always catch up with him tomorrow while you're checking on your simulations."

"Oh…okay."

"What did you get us for dinner? And what did Carson say?"

"I just…ah…picked up some stuff. Whatever was there."

"Yeah?" John smirked and brought one hand down, running it almost absently over his own nipple until it peaked, sending a little shiver of pleasure through him.

"Oh…ah…nothing citrus, of course," Rodney said, his eyes on John's chest, his hands tightening on the tray. "And I…ah….I have some pills Carson wants me to take."

John moved on to his other nipple, biting back a tiny gasp of pleasure. It had been too long since he'd even touched himself like this. "Yeah? What did he find?"

"He…ah…oh…he…he gave me some vitamins, a sleeping pill, too. He wants to check my pressure in two days. If it's not better I have to go back on something for it."

Letting a smile curl over his lips, John brought his other hand around from the back of the couch to trail along the top of his thigh, letting it drift closer to his groin. "You can take the vitamins with dinner, and we'll see if we can't get you some sleep without the pill. And I'm willing to bet your pressure will be down in a few days, too, if we really work on it."

"I'm…ah…" Rodney's eyes followed John's hand as it moved. "I'm also off duty for the next two days, until my next check."

John made a soft purr of pleasure at that. Carson had really come through for him. "Good. We can get some real relaxation time in then."

"I…ah…I guess. Carson wasn't happy with me."

Spreading his legs a little wider, John let his fingers drift up and in, fighting the urge to let his head fall back. "Yeah, you haven't been taking very good care of yourself. But it's okay. I'm here now, and we'll get you fixed right up and purring with contentment and health again in no time."

"I was busy," Rodney protested, his eyes narrowing as a frown found its way to his face. "Between working and sitting with you and making sure the department didn't fall into pieces because I wasn't paying attention, it was—"

"Rodney." John interrupted him. "It's okay. I know. You had a lot on your plate, and you were worried. I'm not upset, and really, neither is Carson. We're both worried about you, but not angry with you. Why don't you put all that stuff down and come sit with me?"

"I'm a busy man. I had a lot of things to do." Stubbornness had found its way to Rodney's face.

"I know," John repeated, sighing as he let his fingers still. "You have more expectations and responsibility on your shoulders than anyone should. Unfortunately for the people who love you, when something needs to give, it's usually yourself you stop paying attention to first. It's an admirable work ethic, and I won't deny that it saves lives. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to fold you in my arms and kiss and love you until all those worries melt away and you're a Rodney-shaped puddle of goo."

Rodney snorted and rolled his eyes.

"Are you going to strip and come over here so I can play with you? I really want to look at your body right now, and maybe make a few embellishments."

"Do you now?"

"Mmm hmmm." John resumed petting himself lightly.

Rodney's cheeks turned a little red as he finally moved forward again, putting the tray down on the table in front of the couch. "I'll just go in the bedroom and get comfortable then."

"'Kay. Don't take too long." John flicked the buttons open on his BDUs, and his cock, which had started to get hard, peeked out the top.

"I…ah…okay."

Smiling to himself, John let his head fall back and his eyes close as he twirled a finger around the head of his dick, which responded by filling completely. John didn't move to free it any more, however, or do more than tease himself with a single fingertip. He wanted to wait for Rodney.

After a few minutes, John heard the water running in their bathroom and a little bit of splashing. What was Rodney doing?

"Rodney?" He called out, not wanting to move yet. He kind of wanted his lover balanced over his lap, ass pleasantly wiggling against John's things, with full access to his lover's chest and cock.

When Rodney didn't answer, John sighed and tried again. Apparently the water was drowning him out. John finally dragged himself to his feet and padded into the bedroom, catching sight of Rodney in their bathroom—naked. He seemed to be cleaning himself up a bit.

"Hey. What'cha doing?" John leaned against the doorframe, admiring the solid curves of Rodney's ass.

"Ah…oh…" Rodney said, turning, his face showing his surprise. As soon as his body turned John saw his lover's cock was encased in a chastity device—one John didn't remember putting on him. "Cleaning up," he finally said, weakly.

John wasn't even consciously aware of moving forward, reaching out to cup the plastic holding his lover. His own body went from lightly aroused to full-blown, want-to-fuck-him-now in five seconds flat. "How long have you been wearing this?"

"Ah…I know I shouldn't have put it on, but—"

"Shhh." John dropped to his knees to mouth around the cage. "God, you're beautiful."

"Oh…John…" Rodney moaned, whimpering a little. "Ever since you started changing back."

Humming a little, knowing the plastic would transmit the vibrations a bit, John slipped a tongue between the slats to taste. "Very, very good. Mine, and you knew it. I think this deserves a nice reward."

"It…it reminded me of you."

"Your body is mine, whether I'm there or not." John looked up, letting Rodney see how aroused and pleased he was at his lover's initiative.

Rodney's arms were wrapped around his middle, hugging himself. "I missed you, scared I was going to lose you."

Sitting up on his knees, John untangled Rodney's arms and pulled him close. "I'm here now."

Rodney slid down to John's level, wrapping himself around the other man, burying his head into John's shoulder.

Neither of them was going to be able to move later if they stayed on the floor for long. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here. Let's move into the bedroom where we'll be more comfortable."

Rodney nodded, but didn't move.

Pressing light kisses into the side of Rodney's head, John pulled back slowly. "Come on, I'm not going far. The bed is calling our name."

"I need to eat before we go to bed," Rodney said quietly. "And Carson wanted me to take the sleeping pill tonight, said I needed eight hours of uninterrupted sleep."

John slowly stood and held out a hand to his lover. "Go lie down and get comfortable. I'll bring dinner in to you. As for sleep, I have a feeling the only reason either of has had problems with it lately is because we've been apart. Let me have you, completely, for a little while. If you still think you need the pill when I'm done, I'll give it to you."

Rodney let John tug him to his feet. "I…" he nodded. "Okay."

A rush of affection and pride made John lean forward to brush their lips together. "Love you so fucking much... Go lie down. I'll be right back."

John watched his lover move into the bedroom, shoving the sheets down enough so he could crawl in before tugging them up over his body. He sighed once—long and hard—his eyes on the ceiling. His body was a mess of tension and angles. John had every intention of changing that tonight.

Retrieving the tray Rodney had brought, John was pleased to see pretty much all of it was small finger foods. Looked like they were on the same page, now he just needed to act on it. Moving back into the bedroom, John mentally asked Atlantis to increase the heat in the room—the covers weren't part of the plan right now. Setting the tray on the bedside table, John went to the toy drawer and looking through it. It had been too long, and they were both too tired for heavy play. But Rodney needed to come down, to sink into his headspace.

His lover had rolled onto his side and was watching John as he walked around the room and dug through their drawer. He was quiet, his breathing settling into a comfortable rhythm.

"Kick the covers off to the side where they won't get dirty. Then sit up so you're leaning against the headboard, legs spread as wide as you can comfortably, arms out to either side." John pulled the straps out and tossed them over to the mattress.

"John?"

"Yes?"

"Can't we just eat and sleep?"

"We will be, yes. I'm not planning anything elaborate for now. But you will be eating from my hand, and I do want to touch you for a little while. You can't sleep like you are now. So after I feed us, I'll rearrange you on your stomach so I can work out the kinks and knots in your back."

"Oh." But Rodney didn't move.

John resisted the urge to roll his eyes. When they hadn't had time to play in a while, Rodney always struggled to drop into the right frame of mind again. So he moved to the bed, pulling the blankets away and nudging. "Trust me. I'll take care of you."

"Hey! It's cold out there."

"It will warm up. I've already asked Atlantis to compensate." He kept his voice low, soothing.

"You'll get the sheets all dirty."

"Rodney. Move. Let me worry about the rest." He let a note of command creep in.

His lover scowled, but moved. Apparently Rodney was going to require a bit of a heavy hand tonight. He shifted upward until he was sitting with his back against the headboard, his eyes fixed on John.

John hummed his approval, then slipped the cuffs he had pulled out onto Rodney's ankles before securing them to the corners of the bed. Then he picked up the wrist cuffs and didn't give the other man the opportunity to object—they went on, and he arranged his lover so his hands were resting on the bed at his side, but he couldn't pull them in.

Rodney squirmed a little, testing the restraints. His eyes, though, never left John.

"Take a few deep breaths, hold them, then let them out slowly. You're no longer in control, so the sooner you give it up and let yourself relax, the happier you'll be." He let a hand rest on Rodney's leg, thumb tracing slow circles around his knee.

John heard a small whimper from his lover, but he did comply, taking a deep breath through his mouth before letting it out slowly. Again, and again, and again. The tension, however, wasn't so easily removed.

But it was a start at least. John made himself comfortable, choosing a bit of fruit he knew Rodney was partial to and holding it up. He traced his lover's lips, using the sweet juice to make them glisten a little before he pushed it between them.

Rodney chewed quietly, his eyes focused on John—his hand, body, face, whatever caught his attention. His hands tugged at the restraints as he tried to reach out to touch.

John did his best to keep his movements slow, almost sensuous. He trailed his hands all over Rodney's body between each bite, sometimes with the food sometimes without it. He let the silence fall comfortably between them—Rodney didn't need words, he just needed the physical reassurance that John was there and really was going to be fine.

John saw the moment Rodney broke, let go, his body trembling as his eyes slid closed even as he chewed the last morsel of food that John had placed in his mouth. He turned his head to the side, his hands clenching into fists.

Instead of another bite of food, John shifted so he could use his mouth, kissing and licking his way over Rodney's body, trying hard to radiate comfort and security and peace.

"Stupid," Rodney whispered. "Hate this…"

"You're not stupid, lover. Talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you." John slid up and to the side, putting his head against Rodney's chest and his arms around his lover's body. "Tell me so I can help."

Rodney shook his head, but John felt the trembling increasing. The next words were barely audible, hued in tears. "Untie me, please."

He immediately sat up and unhooked Rodney's hands. "Rodney, love, please talk to me..."

Rodney immediately rubbed his hands across his face, burying his face in his hands as he let John hold him, crying silently.

John made soothing noises and just held the other man, pulling him close. He did move away slightly to unhook Rodney's legs so his lover could get more comfortable before he wrapped himself back around the other man.

It was a few minutes later when Rodney started to sniffle, his desperate clutching of John easing off.

Staying quiet for now, John just held on. He didn't know what had set Rodney off, and he was afraid of making it worse. The only thing he could think of was just to be there and hold him and wait for Rodney to decide to tell him what was going on.

"Sorry." The word was quiet, whispered.

"It's okay. You've been through a lot. I just want to help."

"You being here and normal is a big help."

John smiled against Rodney's skin. "Yeah. It feels good to be human again."

"I knew I had to be strong for you. I didn't mean to…didn't want to lose it. Sorry."

"You don't have to be strong anymore. And you did just fine before. It's hard to keep it together under circumstances like that, but you did good. It's okay to let go now though—I'm here to keep you from falling."

"I just…watching it happening…watching as I lost you a little at a time…" Rodney tugged him closer. "I didn't think I was ever going to get you back again and I was scared…scared to know how much I needed you."

John leaned back so he could look Rodney in the eyes. "I know it couldn't have been easy. It wasn't easy from my end either, to feel myself slipping further and further away from you no matter how hard I tried to fight it. But it was because I needed you, and knew you needed me, that I managed to hang on."

"I just want you."

"You've got me. Whatever you need, it's yours."

"You. Just you."

John rolled so he was on his back, tugging Rodney over him, letting his lover press against him, feel him. "I'm here."

Rodney shifted, wrapping himself around John. He could feel his lover relaxing, letting his body mold to John.

They stayed like that for a while, almost trying to climb into each other's skin. It wasn't until John's stomach rumbled that he realized he had been so focused on feeding Rodney that he hadn't eaten anything himself.

Rodney rolled them onto their sides, leaning back so he could look John in the eyes. "Hungry?"

John shot him a sheepish grin. "Yeah."

Rodney shifted again, moving away from John and pulling his arms in front of him, almost offering his wrists to John. "Hungry for what exactly?"

A slow smile curved John's lips. He leaned forward to kiss each of the delicate hands in front of him. "All sorts of things."

Rodney smiled at him, his red-rimmed eyes not as heavy as they were before.

"Want to pull the tray over here? I'll eat that, and then move on to other, more interesting things."

"Mmm…I guess."

John leaned back to watch as Rodney grabbed the tray. With a playful grin, he opened his mouth, wondering what his lover would do.

Rodney paused, looking down at him, a grape held in his hand. He shifted and then John found himself lip-locked with his lover, the grape-holding hand off to the side somewhere.

John moaned as his mouth was almost plundered, like Rodney was trying to find and sample every corner. He arched up, his erection—which had pretty much disappeared as he tried to comfort Rodney—was back in full force.

His lover didn't let up, barely giving them time to breathe.

As much as he knew how to play Rodney's body, Rodney had learned to play his when he wanted to. John found himself swiftly keening as his nipples were teased and he was kissed to within an inch of his life. Alive. God, fuck he was alive.

Rodney growled into the kiss and vaguely John realized he felt something wet against his back where Rodney was holding him close.

Spreading his legs, John submitted. If Rodney needed to top for a few minutes to reassure himself John really was okay, he wasn't going to complain.

But as soon as John submitted, Rodney backed off, pressing his forehead against John's as he panted.

Humming softly, John just tried to catch his breath.

"Fuck me. I want you to fuck me." The words were quiet and John wasn't sure he heard them at first.

John arched a little at the thought. "I can do that. Where did you leave the key for the cage?"

"Dunno, just…please." Rodney shifted, rolling onto his front, offering up his ass to John.

John groaned and rolled off the bed. "I need to strip and get the lube." And the key. He had several sets of spares stashed away in various places. He got out of his pants and got both the key and the tube they kept in the drawer by the bed.

Rodney had shifted up on his knees, spreading his legs to give John access.

"Turn over for me for a second. I want to take the cage off first."

"John, please—"

"I want to feel you come around me, and you can't do that with the cage on."

When Rodney didn't move, John sighed and quickly flipped him, holding him in place long enough to get the cage unlocked, gently tugging it free.

Rodney's dick was red and a bit chafed—he had had it on for a long time. Fuck. With his own giving a little throb of sympathy, John leaned down and captured the poor abused limb with his mouth, trying to soothe it.

As soon as John's mouth touched him, Rodney stilled, submitting to his lover.

He continued his attentions until Rodney filled, hardened for him. He was gentle, took it slow, wanting it to feel good against the raw skin.

Rodney was moaning, panting heavily, but otherwise giving himself up to John—not forcing or demanding anything.

With a pop, John pulled off and licked at the leaking head like it was a lollypop. "Mmmm, now I'm ready to play with your ass. Turn back over."

"You need to eat," Rodney said quietly, even as he complied.

"Later. This is more important." As soon as those perfect globes were within reach, John started licking at them. He found the perfect spot, then set about marking his lover, claiming him all over again.

Rodney squirmed, moaning, stilling only when John backed off.

He admired his handiwork for a moment. "Now you look lopsided." With a grin, he started on the other cheek.

The moans were quieter this time as Rodney managed to turn his head, mouth pressed into the bed. But he did manage to hold himself still, breathing heavily when John finally backed off, licking the now-bruised spot.

"Better," he breathed across the damp skin. Then he moved inward, licking at Rodney's entrance.

"Please," Rodney breathed, spreading his legs slightly.

"In time. I want to taste you first."

Rodney groaned, but acquiesced, moaning and whimpering as John worked, fucking Rodney a little with his tongue, tasting him.

They were both panting, making soft noises by the time John slicked up a finger and eased it inside his lover, being careful since it had been weeks since they had done this.

But Rodney was ready for him, relaxed, letting John's finger slide easily inside.

John moaned, sliding a second finger in and crooking them to rub against Rodney's prostate.

Rodney moaned, long and deep, his entire body tensing, but for an altogether different reason than before.

John went as slow as he could, stretching Rodney, adding a third finger when he thought the other man could take it. His body was aching to be buried in its happy place, but he didn't want to hurt his lover.

"Please," Rodney begged. "Fuck me, please."

John pulled his fingers free and slicked himself. He couldn't wait any longer. Breaching Rodney, he pushed all the way in with one smooth glide. As soon as he was fully seated, he reached around to get a hand on Rodney's waist and sat back, pulling his lover with him until Rodney was in his lap, John buried so deeply he was surprised Rodney couldn't taste it.

Rodney leaned back against John, his head thrown back as he panted, trying to catch his breath. "So good…" he whispered. "Feels so good."

John purred. This position left his hands free and Rodney's chest fair game. He ran his fingers through the wiry hair until he found both nipples—he started squeezing and rolling them gently.

Rodney shuddered hard, moaning loudly, the need in his voice thick. He'd managed to reach around behind him, his hands resting on John's hips, fingers digging in.

John latched on to Rodney's exposed neck, licking and nibbling at the skin there, slowly building the pleasure, wanting to give Rodney everything.

"Please…can't…oh god…please…"

"Shah." John whispered between nibble. "Just let go and enjoy being filled, being touched. Being claimed. You're mine, Rodney. I want to make sure we both remember that."

Rodney sobbed, but quieted, any further comments reduced to moans and whimpers as John played with him, dragging him higher and higher.

He couldn't really thrust like this, but John did flex his hips a few times, knowing Rodney would feel every movement deep inside.

John felt Rodney's fingers dig in and knew he'd have marks there in the morning, but he didn't care—they both needed this connection.

John nibbled his way to Rodney's earlobe, whispering. "Tomorrow, when we have all day, I'm going to bring you to the edge and keep you there. All day, you'll be aroused and aching and I'll be touching you, filling you, fondling you. But you won't come, and by tomorrow night you'll be desperate for it. And then you'll come so hard when I finally take the ring off, you'll pass out for at least a half-hour."

"Oh…oh god…" Rodney whispered, tilting his head to give John better access.

"When I'm not buried inside you for the next two days, you'll be wearing a plug. You'll be naked as long as we're in the room, and I'll take you down into subspace and keep you there." He bit lightly. "Mine."

Rodney moaned. "Yours…all yours…alive…didn't lose you."

"You didn't lose me. I'm still here, still your partner, your lover. Your top. Your dom. Yours." John nuzzled a little. Holding himself still he was able to keep his own needs under control. Right now, this was about Rodney.

"Want to feel you…"

John nodded. "I'm going to shift you back to your hands and knees. Put your head and shoulders down and ass in the air when I do. I'm going to fuck you hard enough that you'll feel it later."

"kay," Rodney nodded, letting John move him before adjusting his own position on the bed. God. He looked amazing.

John had to catch his breath. So fucking beautiful, and all his. He caressed the line of Rodney's back, then got a good, hard grip on his hips. And then he got down to the fucking.

Rodney shifted a few times before he moved his hands to brace himself a little, but otherwise didn't move, letting John take him—claim him.

John angled so he was brushing Rodney's prostate on every thrust—he knew he had hit it when Rodney's breathy moans turned to full out keening. On every tag, he found himself muttering the same word over and over: mine.

When Rodney started rocking back to meet his thrusts—making John's already rough fucking even more intense—John let go, pounding into his lover.

He was getting close, orgasm starting to ride close, chasing up his spine and down into his fingers. "Rodney, fuck, come, please, take me over the edge with you..."

With his next thrust, John heard a muffled whimper and then Rodney's body shuddered hard, his channel squeezing John's cock as it slid through Rodney's ass.

It was enough. With a shout, John was coming, pouring himself into his lover until he had to pull out weakly and collapse to the side as his knees gave out.

Rodney followed a moment later, dropping to the bed in a pile, limbs all askew. He was panting heavily, his body still twitching slightly.

"Mmmmmmmmmm."

A panted, breathy groan was Rodney's only reply.

Neither of them moved for a while. When John had finally caught his breath, he shifted. "Rodney... you still with me?"

"No."

John chuckled. "Mind if I climb over and have a little dinner while you recover?"

"Do whatever you want. I'm not moving."

John pressed a sloppy kiss on Rodney's shoulder and pushed himself up. He crawled over to where Rodney had left the tray—it had somehow managed to stay out of the range of their play and there was quite a bit of cheeses and smaller fruits left.

And Rodney was right. During the entire time John snacked, he didn't move a muscle, his body relaxed and pliant, his ass still sticking up a little in the air.

It was...cute. Really cute. John choked a little on a piece of cheese as he forced the words back down—Rodney would never forgive him if he told his lover he had thought 'Rodney' and 'cute' in the same sentence.

He finally shifted slightly and groaned. "Ow."

"Ow?"

"Hope we're not going far tomorrow."

"Nope. Tomorrow is a stay close to home and have as much sex as two middle-aged men are capable of day. With a short field trip to check on those simulations of yours and make another attempt to track down my second to find out just what Caldwell's been up to."

"Good. Walking might be difficult…but in a really good way." Rodney opened the eye that wasn't pressed to the bed. "It's a good ow. Really."

John laughed softly. "Good. You'll have tonight to recover before I spend the day playing with you tomorrow."

"Are you done eating yet?"

"Just about. Want some?"

"Want you. Does that count?"

John hummed. He quickly ate the last few bites and tossed the tray to the floor before climbing back over. Manhandling Rodney into a better position and then tangling them both together. "How are you feeling?"

"Hmm…" Rodney said, peering at John through one eye. "I still want that massage you promised."

"I can do that. Want to find a comfortable position while I go dig out the oil?"

"No."

Chuckling again, John raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"Move me wherever you want."

That startled a deeper laugh out of him, and earned Rodney a soft kiss. He pushed himself up and arranged his lover carefully, making sure he would be comfortable if he fell asleep. "How's that?"

"Mmm. Good." A soft smile was on Rodney's face. "Oil?"

John pressed a series of light kisses across his lover's shoulders and down his back before getting up to hunt down their supply of massage oil.

"Didn't you find it yet?"

He finally found the mostly empty bottle at the bottom of a drawer. "Here it is. We need to order more—we're almost out of the good stuff."

"Can ask Parrish to make us some."

"It won't smell as good as this Bath and Body stuff." John straddled his lover, settling his weight on Rodney's thighs and dribbling a little oil into the small of his back.

"Mmmm…dunno. Has some nice stuff now."

"Maybe. Next time you see him, see what his price would be." John started slowly, warming the muscles up before he started working on the deeper tension.

Rodney moaned as John hit some of the sore spots, but as each one unwound and dissolved, more of the tension in Rodney's body—whatever was left after sex—evaporated.

John wished they had some soft mood music. A few moments later Atlantis seemed to pick up on the wish and some of Rodney's classical stuff—with a weirdly Ancient twist—started playing. Huh. Nice.

Rodney chuckled. "Getting the hang of it?"

John smiled, working a particularly tight knot until he felt it give. "Oh, yeah."

"Oh, god, yeah…" Rodney said quietly, sagging a little more into the bed.

John smiled and continued to work his lover's back. Oddly, he found this just as soothing as Rodney did, and found himself drifting pleasantly.

A sudden small noise caught John unawares and he paused mid-massage, listening. He heard it again a moment later—a snore.

Good. Very good. Hopefully Rodney would stay out for the night and actually get some rest. John let his touches become lighter and lighter before he carefully climbed off the other man. He put the oil away and cleaned up a bit before slipping back into bed, curling up next to his lover. With a soft, content sigh, John let himself follow Rodney into slumber.

***

Rodney was running. It was hard to catch his breath and he had a stitch in his side, but he knew he couldn't stop, couldn't pause. If he did, they'd find him, catch him.

And he'd be dead.

He hated this, hated running for his life on alien planets in another galaxy when he could be sitting quietly in a nice clean lab.

But he kept it up, stumbling as his feet found uneven ground, catching his balance with one hand before righting himself and continuing on.

He couldn’t stop. Couldn't pause. Every second counted.

He could hear the pounding of his heart in his ears, the harsh breaths as he tried to drag in air for his overworked and aching muscles.

His eyes darted everywhere, trying to find the path through the dense forest that would lead him back to the gate and to safety. Everything looked the same, though. Had he been this way before? Was he running in circles?

Panic settled in deep as he tried to push himself faster, the leaves and branches brushing past his arms and face, catching on the fabric of his clothes.

But this time, something held on.

He glanced down and saw a blue, clawed hand around his arm, pushing him to the ground as the thing pinned him down, holding him down as it screamed in triumph above him.

He tried to fight, to move, but it was too strong. He tried to kick it off, shove it off, but it wouldn't let go, just holding onto him harder, stronger, yelling at him, telling him to calm down, that it was only a nightmare.

It sounded just like John.

With an indrawn breath, Rodney woke with a start, gasping for breath as his heart pounded in his chest. He felt like he'd just run a marathon.

"Rodney! God, please wake up. It's a nightmare, just a nightmare, wake up!"

His breath caught in his throat and he shuddered, letting his body slump back against the bed as he blinked, trying to clear the tears from his eyes.

"Rodney?" John's hands were running over his body, petting him. "Hey, buddy, you with me again?"

Rodney nodded, still trying to catch his breath. He reached out, snagging one of John's hands.

He immediately tangled their fingers together, lowering himself so their bodies were pressed close. "Bad?"

"Usual…"

"Want me to get you a glass of water?"

Rodney was quiet for a moment before nodding. "If you don't mind."

Sitting up, John kissed his forehead. "I'll be right back. Want anything else while I'm up?"

"No," Rodney said with a shake of his head. He pushed himself into a seated position, letting his eyes drift around the semi-lit room. The clock stared back at him, showing the early or late hour—depending on your point of view. It was not even 2700 Atlantis time. They'd been sleeping an hour or two at the most.

John slipped out of bed and padded out of the room, heading for the kitchen. The moonlight coming in through their window made interesting shadows along the curve of his ass as he walked.

His heart was slowing, the panic subsiding. John returned a moment later, sliding back into bed with him and handing over the glass of water. He put something else on the bedside table. "Thanks."

"You're very welcome." Since he was sitting up to drink, John scooted in behind him so Rodney was leaning back against his lover's chest.

Rodney took a long drink and let his body relax into John. "Sorry. Did I hurt you?"

"You didn't hurt me. You were muttering in your sleep, and started thrashing a bit, but by then I was already awake."

Sighing, Rodney shifted so he could lean against John easier. "Sorry. Stupid nightmares."

"Nothing to be sorry about. We all get them." Rodney felt John's lips brush his temple. "Let me know when the adrenaline has faded enough to try and lie back down, okay?"

Rodney snorted. "As if I'll be able to sleep now."

"I brought the sleeping pill Carson gave you. If you aren't up to trying it again on your own in an hour or so, you can take that."

"That is why he gave them to me."

John's chest rumbled with amusement. "Imagine that."

Rodney sighed, then took another sip of the water before handing it back to John who put it on the table, rearranging them a moment later. "They started after we got back with the eggs, once Carson said you were going to recover."

Strong arms wrapped around him, holding him close. Safe. "What are they about?"

"I'm always running, trying to escape something. It changes all the time." Rodney shrugged. "I should be used to it by now. They're some of the same dreams I had when we first got to Atlantis."

"If they don't get better in a few weeks, let me know. We'll go talk to Carson and see if he has any suggestions. It might just be the heightened stress of the whole situation—as things get back to normal again and your subconscious accepts that I'm really here and really okay, the nightmares should fade out."

"I know. I've done this before. Doesn't mean I enjoy it."

"I know." John was silent for a while. "I've been relatively lucky. I get the occasional bad dreams, but there's only been once that I had chronic nightmares."

"When was that?"

John was quiet again for a long minute, one hand drawing absent circles against Rodney's arm. He finally answered, quietly. "Afghanistan. For weeks I woke up screaming, with the taste of blood in the back of my throat, smelling smoke and sand, with the review committee standing around watching me, judging everything I did."

"How did you get past it?"

"I tried a lot of things, most of them not especially healthy—you heard about some of it when we were in Vegas. But eventually I couldn't take it anymore, and I knew I was on the verge of being grounded completely for psychological reasons in Antarctica. I had taken a psych class in college, so I borrowed some of what I remembered from that. I took a few days of leave and holed up in my room and forced myself to dredge up every memory I had of the whole thing and look at it objectively, giving myself credit for the things I was proud of, black mark or not, and accepting my mistakes and vowing to do better if I ever got another chance. By the end, I wasn't... happy. It was rough, and I was worn out, but... the nightmares pretty much stopped. I still get them every now and then, especially when I'm under a lot of stress, but it's become rare."

"That doesn't…that doesn't sound too healthy," Rodney said, shifting so he could see John's face—or at least part of it.

He felt John shrug a little. "Actually, that was probably the most healthy solution I tried. And I learned quite a bit about myself in the process. It wasn't pleasant, but now I don't let myself dwell anymore. Self-awareness isn't something I'm very good at, but as a soldier, I think you have to have it to some degree. Otherwise, it's too easy to forget about the good you've done and the things that worked out, and obsess over the mistakes, the deaths."

Rodney snorted, letting his eyes close. "That's a whole lot easier said than done. I'm…I'm always running from something, aren't I?"

"Yeah, it is a lot easier said than done. I got very, very drunk, and did a lot of dumb shit to try and avoid it at first. And we're all running from something, physically or metaphorically. The trick is to force yourself to turn around and face it, deal with it, and then move on. It's hard, but it will make the nightmares stop."

Rodney shrugged. "Maybe."

John's lips curved slightly. "Either way, not tonight. You're exhausted and wrung out already from the nightmares. That sort of thing is best faced during the day and as well rested as possible."

"As if that's going to happen."

"It will. If you can't relax naturally, you'll take what Carson gave you. And as for dealing with the underlying cause of the nightmares... that one has to be your decision. I can't make this one for you, or order you to do it."

"I know." Rodney sighed, turning his head toward the window. "I…it might be a good idea for me to try the pill if you actually want to get any sleep tonight. I haven't been averaging more than a few hours each night…or day."

John's arms tightened around him briefly before slipping free as his lover leaned over to snag the pill and water from the nightstand. "Here you go."

Rodney took both from John, swallowing the pill down quickly before he changed his mind. He hated this, hated needing to take something to help him sleep, to help him forget. He took another sip before handing the glass back, letting John put it away.

"Lie back down and get comfortable. I'll be here, while you sleep, and when you wake up."

"I know you won't let me get addicted to them, but I still hate taking them," Rodney said, shifting down, adjusting the pillow as John watched him get comfortable.

John kissed the tip of Rodney's nose. "You only get to take them when I've tried something else and it didn't work. And if you need them more than a few nights, we go back to Carson."

"I had a problem with them before."

John looked a little surprised, but nodded. "Okay, I'll be even more careful then, and we'll take it one night at a time. For now, you're exhausted and at the end of what you can handle. You desperately need some sleep so everything doesn't feel so immediate and overwhelming. For everything else, we can talk about it tomorrow, okay?"

"You should know. It was a long time ago. Back when I was getting my second PhD and working for the government. There wasn't enough time in the day and sleeping pills were the only way to get my mind to turn off long enough to sleep. Between the coffee and the uppers and the sleeping pills, I was a mess."

John nodded. "I can imagine. Probably a lot like you were during the siege, right?"

"Worse."

"I won't let it happen again."

"I know. I…you just need to know. There's probably a lot of things you need to know—besides the things I always go on about, of course."

John had settled them again, and was carding his fingers through Rodney's chest hair. "Yeah, same goes for me. That's part of the fun of a relationship though—constantly learning new things about your partner."

Rodney snorted. "Sometimes I'm not sure the learning thing is good. I'm pretty fucked up."

"Well, so am I. That's why we're so perfect for each other—no one else will take either of us." He could feel John's grin against his shoulder.

Rodney sighed, letting his fingers glide against the skin of John's hip, making circles. "You know it's going to take about thirty minutes for the pill to even begin working."

"That's okay. I'm enjoying this, just being here together talking. It's nice."

"You could…if you wanted to…try to help me forget that little…unfortunate nightmare…if you were so inclined." Rodney looked up at John, his eyes a little wide.

His lover chuckled, smile wide. "Insatiable. Weren't you the one who complained that I always made everything about sex?" His idle caresses got a little more focused, flicking across Rodney's nipples, the nipple ring just making every sensation more intense. Every time John played with them, Rodney was glad he kept them.

"I just…" Rodney felt his cheeks flush. "I need that reassurance right now even if it's not about coming or sex."

John leaned down to kiss him softly. "Don't be embarrassed. I love your body, and I'll take pretty much any reason offered to play with it, any time of the day or night." He straddled Rodney's thighs, getting his hands on both of Rodney's nipples.

Rodney reached up, tugging John down on top of him, lifting his head so his lips could meet John's in a kiss. "I know I won't last long, but I'd rather fall asleep remembering this."

"I can do that," John murmured. "Close your eyes and just focus on me, on the way I touch you and make you feel."

Leaning up again, Rodney captured John's lips in a kiss and then closed his eyes, letting John kiss him slow and sure. He wound his arms around John's body, tugging him closer. John rolled them onto their sides a few moments later, twining his legs with Rodney's as his free-hand began to explore skin.

John just kept petting, his hands soothing.

Rodney let himself fall into his lover, into his hands, his kisses.

He woke slowly, encased in warmth.

John's breath was even next to him. In and out. In and out. By turning his head slightly, he could see his lover's face, soft and peaceful in slumber. Usually John was either already awake when Rodney stirred, or woke up at the same time. It was rare to actually have a chance to look at him sleeping.

Whatever Carson had given him was still lingering, making him groggy—which he hated. His first inclination was to slide out from bed and find coffee—very strong coffee and a little something else to get the fuzz out of his head.

John twitched a little, making a soft huffing noise.

Rodney stilled, watching his lover.

John stilled again, snuggling in closer, his face smoothing out. His breathing, which had hitched a few times, evened back out again.

Rodney reached out, putting his hand in the center of John's chest. The gentle up and down of his lover's chest was soothing, comforting. Rodney felt himself drifting off again, the tail end of the drugs pulling him under once again.

When he woke again, it was to find hazel eyes flecked with gold watching him.

He blinked once, twice.

"Hi." John's voice was soft, still rough with sleep.

"Hi." God, he really hated that fuzzy feeling.

"How ya feeling?"

"All…head stuffed…fuzzy."

"Good thing we're off-duty today, then. I think I'll go hop in the shower and then make a quick run to the mess for food for the day. You can come with me, or you can lounge in bed until the sleeping pill wears off completely—your choice."

"Coffee? Really strong coffee?"

"Do we have any good stuff left here? If so I'll brew a pot before I leave, but if not, I'll get the kitchen staff to give me a thermos."

"Always have coffee somewhere."

John chuckled. "Tell me where you have it stashed and I'll start a pot. I take it you're going to wait here for me."

"Cabinet. Over the sink."

John laughed again as he rolled out of bed. "Sneaky. I'm going to have to start tossing the suite while you're at work."

"What's mine is yours, you know that." Rodney rolled to his back, throwing am arm over his eyes. God. He hated this groggy feeling.

"True, but I always was a sucker for a good treasure hunt." John raised his voice as he walked to the bathroom, to carry over the sound of the shower. "As a kid my Grandma used to hide shit all over the place and make me maps to follow when I was there visiting."

"Do whatever you want," Rodney muttered, tugging the blankets up again.

John reappeared an unspecified amount of time later—Rodney had lost track—with a concerned look and a steaming cup of coffee. "Hey, see if this helps."

"Mmm," Rodney said, shoving himself upright.

"If your head isn't clearing by the time I head to the mess, I'm detouring to collect Beckett along the way."

"Normal," Rodney said, waving John off as he reached for the coffee cup.

John handed it over, resting his hand against Rodney's ankle. "I don't like seeing you fuzzy. I think we'll try a bit harder to help you sleep without drugs before I let you take another pill."

"Coffee will help," Rodney said, already taking a sip, feeling the hot liquid easing its way down his throat. Ahhhh. Nirvana.

John was watching him carefully, thumb stroking on the inside of Rodney's foot, along the delicate bone there. "Better?"

"Mmm…it'll get there."

"Good. I'm going to go raid then. If you're up to it, hop in the shower—that should clear away any lingering fog, and leave you a nice blank slate for me to play with later."

Rodney nodded, already taking another larger sip of his coffee.

John patted his ankle one last time then rose, heading for the door.

Finishing the coffee in record time, Rodney scooted to the side of the bed and swung his feet over the edge. There had to be more coffee in the pot. With a few muttered curses about his sore ass, he padded into the kitchen and spotted the half-full pot.

Ahhh. The nectar of the gods.

He poured a second cup, adding cream and sugar, and downed it quickly. A third cup he'd enjoy leisurely when he was in the shower.

He could already feel his brain unclogging. It wasn't as fast as he'd like or prefer, but the coffee was working.

Ten minutes later and he was in the shower, his coffee cup just outside the stall. John had thankfully left the key on the bathroom counter which let him unlock the cuffs before he got in. Since John had wanted him to shower, Rodney was taking the appearance of the key as his sign that he could take off the leather cuffs—otherwise they'd have soaking wet leather cuffs. Never a good thing.

He cleaned up quickly, knowing full-well that John had plans for him today, plans that might be a whole lot of fun.

While he was finishing up his coffee and his shower he heard John wander back into the apartment, calling out his arrival.

"I’m in here," Rodney yelled, rinsing the soap from his hair.

A minute later, his lover was there, peeking in but staying clear of the water. "Mmm, nice. Wet, soapy Rodney."

"You can join me if you want."

"I already showered, and I'm dressed. But I'll watch." John's eyes darkened a little. "Soap up your fingers and tease yourself a little."

"John, I’m just about finished."

"This isn't about getting clean. I want to see you tease yourself."

Rodney turned, scowling slightly. He had been hoping for another cup of coffee.

John caught the scowl, from the sound of his sigh. "Look just... never mind. I'll be in the kitchen when you're done. Come find me."

Damn. "Wait," Rodney said, reaching out to grab John's hand, but missing by a mile. "I'm sorry."

John stopped almost out of the bedroom but he didn't turn around. "I want to help you wind down, I do. But I'm fucking tired, Rodney. I just spent the better part of the last month turning into a bug and then back. I want to play, but I'm just not up to forcing it out of you right now."

Rodney was quiet, knowing that John wasn't done. He could tell from the way he held his body, the way he wouldn't look at him.

"Either way, we'll spend the next couple of days relaxing and enjoying each other's company. But you need to decide now if we're doing it as a couple, or as a dom/sub. There's no wrong answer, but please don't make me guess, and don't make me fight you every time I turn around. I'll be eating breakfast when you decide." He slipped out.

"John…" Rodney whispered, standing at the edge of the shower, knowing he'd hurt his lover. He hadn't meant to, but then, that's how it always happened.

He turned back to the water, rinsing off quickly before shutting it off. He toweled himself dry, taking a few minutes to let everything filter through his mind.

Rodney knew what John would prefer and this really wasn't about him at this point. It was all about John and what he wanted and needed.

With a nod to himself, he carefully put the leather cuffs back onto his wrists and ankles, locking them into place.

With a last swipe of the towel over his head, he dropped it in the laundry pile and headed out into the living room and to John.

His lover wasn't facing him. He was sitting at their little table, a mug of coffee in front of him, poking at a bowl of what was probably the Pegasus version of Lucky Charms—John had a weird fetish for the stuff. His shoulders, his whole posture looked...defeated.

Rodney approached quietly, only catching John's attention when he dropped to his knees next to the table. "I'm sorry. My self-centeredness won't happen again."

John's hand immediately curled around his jaw. "You weren't being self-centered. You're just as tired and worn out as I am, so you're pushing. Usually I don't mind—it's part of the pleasure, to see you finally let go when I have to work for it. But right now... I'm just... not up to that kind of struggle. If I try, we're both going to end up unsatisfied and unhappy."

"I know and I'm sorry. I’m yours to do with as you please."

John forced him to look up. "Is it really what you want? Forget about me right now. Submitting, just letting go—is that what you want right now? For the next two days?"

"I want whatever is going to make you happy."

A small smile graced John's face. "You make me happy. But I don't want it at your expense. Tell me the truth, Rodney. Is submitting what you want? Because if its not, if you try to force it, we're back to the struggle and the mutual dissatisfaction."

"Do you not want me like this?"

John's thumb traced Rodney's jaw line and then slid down to trace the edge of his collar. It was a familiar gesture. "I love you any way I can get you. But, yes, I love you like this, on your knees for me, deep in your headspace and purring you're so relaxed and happy."

Rodney let his eyes slide closed as he leaned into John's touch. He'd missed this.

John continued to caress, and a moment later Rodney felt something being pressed against his lips.

He opened his mouth, letting John slide his thumb inside. Rodney started sucking on it, playing with it with the tip of his tongue. Opening his eyes, he watched as John looked down at him, watching him with arousal-filled eyes.

"So beautiful..." John's expression had gone soft, full of affection. His posture had changed too—he wasn't looking worn down and lost anymore.

John pulled his thumb out a few moments later, caressing the side of Rodney's face. "Just tell me what you want, John."

"Let go. Let me have everything. No questions, no hesitations—just pleasure."

Rodney nodded. "You have it, you have me—as long as it's what you want."

"You aren't allowed to ask that anymore. I'll tell you if I don't like something—like I did in the bathroom. So just close your eyes and relax and let me feed you breakfast."

Complying immediately, Rodney nodded and closed his eyes, letting his hands rest on top of his thighs, his mouth slightly open. John caressed his face for a moment before letting go, leaving Rodney alone. He wanted to open his eyes and check on John, but he decided against it. John would tell him if there was a problem. He just had to relax and let John take care of things.

After a long minute, John purred. "Good boy. Very good." Rodney was rewarded with one of his favorite grape-things.

"Mmm," Rodney hummed around the fruit. "Coffee?" He had to ask. He couldn't help himself on that one.

John chuckled. "How many cups have you had so far?"

Rodney cringed. "Three."

John's hand was back on his face, stroking. "You get two more today. You can have one now if you want, or you can have them both with lunch later."

"I…" Rodney started, immediately saying he'd take them now, but he paused. No. John can decide. The fog was mostly gone, but whatever was left would disperse by itself soon enough. And besides, he was going into headspace, a little loopyness wouldn't hurt. "Whatever you think is best, sir."

John hummed, a sound of approval that warmed Rodney. "Then we'll wait. You've had a lot this morning, and later they can be a treat."

Rodney nodded again before angling his head up toward John and waiting.

"Open your eyes."

Rodney did, looking up as John watched him, then nodded, obviously deciding something. "Go into the bedroom and get a pillow—you're going to be on your knees for a good part of the day, and I don't want to cripple you, so choose something with a little give. Also get the Ancient ring, the nipple clamps, your favorite plug, and the lube. Bring them back here to me."

"Yes, sir," Rodney said quietly, waiting for John's nod before he climbed to his feet, padding into the bedroom. He quickly gathered all the items John wanted, grabbing a pillow last, before heading back into the living room. John had gotten up and was moving around the kitchen, apparently fixing breakfast.

He looked up. "Put the pillow next to my chair, then lay the rest of it out on the table for me. I'll be there as soon as I get this started."

Rodney moved, dropping the pillow first. "Where would you like me?" He laid out the rest of the items on the table before turning to John.

"Wait there. I want to get you set up before you go back down to your knees. Close your eyes and think about all the things I'm going to do to your body today."

"Mmm…I remember you mentioning fucking…" Rodney said quietly as his eyes slid closed. He put his hands behind his back, holding them there.

"Eventually. I also said you were going to spend the whole day wanting to come, but not allowed to." He could hear the smile in John's voice.

"Leaking for you."

"Mmmm. Yes. You will be. A lot."

Rodney smiled, tilting his head, listening as John moved around. "All for you. All because of you."

"I'll lick all the pre-come away. Taste it and savor it and then make you leak again."

"Will I taste it, too?"

"Maybe. Maybe I'll use my thumb to gather it up and then give it to you to lick and suck."

"Mmmm…I'll taste myself on you."

"And then you'll open your mouth and suck on me for a while. Draw it out for a long time, make me feel it all the way to my toes. You're going to make me come more than once today."

"I'd like that…want that. Want to make you happy."

"You always make me happy." Warm hands were suddenly on his body, running down his sides. "Don't ever doubt that."

"Happier, then," Rodney said with a soft sigh, forcing himself to keep his hands in place.

Lips brushed his forehead. "Don't worry about it. Just relax and let me play. I'll get us both there."

"Not worried. I just want to make you happy."

"You do." The lips brushed over Rodney's lips then danced away.

Rodney moved to follow, but then stopped himself. He was going to wait on John.

Hands swept his body again, and John shifted to the side. A moment later, the Ancient cock ring was slipped onto him and started buzzing softly.

"Oh…" Rodney said, drawing out the small word. That felt so good.

"Mmmm." John was petting him with one hand, and then there was a light pinch on Rodney's nipples—first one, then the other. He had grabbed the tweezer-style clamps since they had been on top. John set them just tight enough that they wouldn't fall off, but it wasn't real pain—yet.

Leaning into John's touch, Rodney hummed, one of his hands dropping free and brushing against John's leg next to him.

"You can touch."

Rodney wanted to turn and plaster his body to John's, but he wasn't sure if that was okay and he didn't want to ask. So, touching was good. He let his hand wander, drifting down to John's cock—his erect and hard cock. "Mmm."

"For you. Because you're letting me have you like this."

"Always yours," Rodney whispered, pressing against John's erection, making him groan.

John rocked into Rodney's hand a few times. Then, without warning, teeth and lips were sucking on the patch of skin that belonged to John, marking Rodney as his again.

Rodney couldn't help it. He moaned loudly and turned into John, pressing up against him, feeling fabric against his skin, his hands grasping John's hips, tugging him closer.

A leg was pushed between Rodney's, John's BDUs creating friction in all the right places even as his top continued to mark him.

John's hands slid down to his ass, pressing against the marks he'd left last night, forcing Rodney closer, making him groan and moan even louder. "Oh god…John…"

John just growled a little, nipping a few more times before he was licking the spot, soothing it. "There. Now you aren't naked anymore."

"More?" Rodney turned his head, offering the other side of his neck.

"Later. By the end of the day, you're going to have them all over you." John pressed the spots on his ass again. "Open my BDUs and pull me out. I'm going to fuck you before I plug you and we eat breakfast."

"Yes, sir," Rodney said quietly, feeling himself starting to drop down into subspace a little. He opened his eyes just enough for him to locate the buttons for John's BDUs, opening them and tugging John's cock out. He stroked him carefully, with gentle pressure before letting go.

John was making breathy little noises in Rodney's ear, sucking lightly on the lobe. Rodney's ring started to buzz harder. "Turn around brace yourself against the table."

With a nod, Rodney turned, John's hands on his body steadying him, keeping him close. He was already panting. God, he wanted this so badly.

A slick finger slipped inside him, carefully feeling how open he was, how sore he was from the rough ride the night before.

Rodney pushed back, feeling John's finger slide deeper, hearing his lover moan.

"God, it's like you're trying to suck me in..." A second finger wiggled in next to the first.

Rodney rocked forward and back, fucking himself on John's fingers, feeling John's other hand tightening on his hip. But John didn't stop him. It felt so good. He wanted more.

"Hungry for it..." John's voice held a note of awe.

"Want you. Please. Want you inside me."

The fingers disappeared, but before Rodney could mourn the loss, the bigger, thicker push of John's dick was at his entrance.

"Yes," Rodney groaned, pushing back, feeling John fill him.

When his lover was all the way in, Rodney could feel the rough fabric of his lover's pants scratching at his ass. "God, Rodney... so good..."

Rodney bent his head, feeling the sweat along his hairline. He was so hard, but he didn't care. John. This was for John. "Fuck me, please," he panted.

John moaned and then started to move. His thrusts were slow, like caresses deep inside Rodney's body.

Rodney pushed back to meet John's thrusts, but after a few his lover's hands tightened on his hips stilling his movement. He whimpered, but the sound made John pause.

"Am I hurting you?"

"No…please…fuck me, please, I want you so badly…"

"Shhhh, I'm here." John started to move again, the same slow thrusts from before. "This isn't about racing to get off. It's about us, together."

"I want to feel you come inside me, want you to plug me so I can feel it all day…please, John…mark me, make me yours…take me, please."

John hummed, speeding up a bit. "So damn good..."

"You…so good…" Rodney panted and moaned as John fucked him thoroughly. John made sure to hit his prostate with ever few passes, sending tendrils of pleasure shooting through his body, nearly making his legs buckle.

Finally John got the whine in the back of his throat that meant he was close, and then there was a rush of heat deep inside. His lover draped himself across Rodney's back, trembling with the aftershocks.

Rodney was so hard, the ring vibrating around him, making sure he knew who owned him, claimed him.

A hand wrapped around to curl over his erection, but John didn't move, just held it. "Like this all day for me."

"For you," Rodney whispered, nodding. "All yours."

Humming, John pressed his lips to Rodney's neck before he slowly took his weight back. When he pulled out, his dick was quickly replaced with the plug, keeping Rodney stretched and full, with a piece of John locked inside.

Rodney moaned. So good. So very good.

The clamps on his nipples were tugged lightly. "Get comfortable on your pillow. I'm going to retrieve breakfast."

Slowly, Rodney opened his eyes, but only enough for him to find the pillow on the floor. He moved carefully, his cock hard and heavy and leaking. Every movement aroused him more, making him ache. He wanted to come so badly, wanted release, but he could do this for John. He would wait until John wanted him to come. He dropped down onto the pillow and spread his knees, making sure John had access to anything he wanted. He linked his hands behind his back and closed his eyes again, waiting.

John returned a minute later, and Rodney picked up the whiff of hash browns. The Athosians had cultivated a vegetable that, when cooked this way, tasted almost exactly like the ones they got at home. A fork was held up to Rodney's lips.

Opening his eyes, Rodney focused on John's face as he opened his mouth, letting the other man slide the fork inside. They were warm and crunchy and salty and perfect. Rodney chewed, humming quietly.

John smiled slightly, taking a bite himself before offering another. He didn't say anything, but let his other hand roam across Rodney's shoulders, through his hair, caressing his face.

Scooting a little closer, Rodney leaned into John's touch, letting his mouth stay open a little so John could feed him easier. It was habit when they were like this.

John made a soft noise of approval, rubbing his thumb along the corner of Rodney's mouth briefly before giving him another bite. He shifted a little, working his bare foot between Rodney's legs.

Rodney could feel it, feel the coolness of John's foot between his warm thighs, just out of reach of his skin. He chewed quietly, finishing quickly, opening his mouth again to receive his next bite. After those few bites he'd realized how hungry he was.

His lover chuckled. This time, after he fed Rodney a bite, he shifted his foot again so his toes were wiggling against Rodney's balls, making them move back and forth.

Rodney could feel his eyes widening as his body jumped, surprise mingling with his moan. Oh. That was…different.

John smiled and continued to fondle as he brought another bite to Rodney's mouth.

It took a beat or two for Rodney to open his mouth, his attention focused on another area of his body.

"Enjoying your breakfast?" John's voice was soft.

"Uh…yeah. Very much," Rodney answered, the words breathy.

"Mmmm." John gave him a happy, open smile. "Good."

"Hungry, though."

"We aren't taking this," he pushed his foot a little harder against Rodney's balls, "any further until the food is gone." He brought another bite to Rodney's lips.

John waited while Rodney caught his breath before pressing another bite into his mouth.

They continued that way for the next several minutes, alternating between the fondling and feeding until the last of the hash browns were gone.

John's free hand was resting against his jaw, thumb pressed against his neck, right over his pulse point. It was strangely intimate.

"Love you."

Rodney swallowed, his eyes fixed on John. "Love you. Can't believe I almost lost you. I…I don't know what I would have done—"

"You didn't lose me. I'm still here, and I will be for the foreseeable future. I wish I could promise forever, but we both know I can't. If it ever does happen—you'll move on. You made me promise you I would if the tables were turned. I expect nothing less from you."

"I just…" Rodney started, and then broke off, tearing his eyes away. The whole incident was still too close, too uncomfortable. Rodney knew how close it had been, how close John had been to staying like that, inhuman.

John's hand moved to cup his face, forcing him to look him in the eye. "I know. Believe me, I know." He took a deep breath. "But that's not what today is about. Today is about us, both here and alive and together."

Rodney nodded, holding John's eyes, leaning into his touch. He needed—wanted—John's touch, his hands on him, all over him.

The cock ring buzzed a little harder for a brief second before dying back down to a light buzz. "Grab your pillow and go wait for me next to the couch while I clean up the dishes."

"Yes, sir," Rodney replied quietly, waiting for John to push back and away before he moved. And even though he knew his knees would object, he shifted backwards onto the hard, cold floor before grabbing his pillow and tossing it toward the couch.

He could feel John's eyes on him, questioning him.

But Rodney ignored the heavy gaze and started crawling toward the living room. It wasn't far, but this was also the first time he'd done anything like this and it was…weird, strange, and harder on his knees than he'd thought.

He reached where he'd tossed the pillow and threw it again, roughly where John liked him to sit. He'd fix it when he got there.

And then John was there, moving the pillow, arranging it next to John's place on the couch. When he was settled in it, Rodney looked up into John's eyes—he was standing close enough for Rodney to see the arousal and pleasure in his eyes. Leaning down, John brushed their lips together without comment and walked back to the kitchen.

Rodney closed his eyes and slid his hands behind his back again, holding them behind him, wishing John would clip them so he wouldn't have to hold the position. But then, John hadn't told him to sit like his, hadn't told him not to. But it was habit, what he usually did.

He'd wait for John.

It didn't take his lover long—he had apparently been cleaning as he cooked, so only the dishes they had eaten off of were still dirty. John moved back to his side, running a hand through Rodney's hair. "I'm going to put on a movie—something we've both seen and can zone to a little. I'm going to let you choose one additional thing to be added to your body. Nothing on or in you now comes off. You only get to choose one."

Rodney opened his eyes slowly, turning toward John. "Are you adding anything else—in addition to my item?"

"Later, yes. For now, no."

"Where were you planning on having me?"

"On the couch, between my legs so I have access to your body."

Rodney nodded, thinking. Did he want the lock or something else? A gag? Blindfold? Collar? Ear plugs? There were plusses and minus to each—especially when it came to watching a movie.

"Will the item come off later or is this a progressive addition?"

"Depends on what you choose, honestly. And what I decide to do with you later. I might have you choose something else after the movie—I don't have an exact plan for the day, just a general idea of what I want to do with you."

Nodding again, Rodney ran the possibilities through his mind before picking one—two really. He'd find out if John let it slide very quickly. "Padlocks."

John's raised eyebrow and quirked lips said he caught it but was choosing to play along. "Hands and legs?"

"Yes, sir," Rodney said, feeling his cheeks flush a little. "I…I want to be fully under your control."

His lover caressed his face briefly. "Go get them and bring them back to me."

"Okay," Rodney said with a nod, turning quickly to crawl into the bedroom.

John made a soft noise, but otherwise didn't comment. Rodney heard him settling on the couch few moments later.

It took him a few minutes to get to the bedroom and to the drawer, poking through their stuff until he found the two locks he was looking for. Holding one in each hand, he turned, crawling back out to John, his lover watching him the entire way.

"This okay?" Rodney asked quietly when he finally reached the couch, handing over the locks.

John nodded. "Stand up so I can lock your feet together, then sit down. I'll lock your hands before you lean back against me."

"Okay," Rodney said, climbing to his feet, positioning himself so he'd just have to sit down on the couch and he wouldn't have to hop around.

His feet were quickly locked together, and then John guided him down to the couch. His hands were locked behind his back, then John pulled him so he was leaning back comfortably against his lover's chest.

Rodney brought his feet up and John quickly wrapped one of his legs over them, tugging him closer. "Hmmm," Rodney hummed, letting his body relax against John.

"Perfect." Deft fingers skated over Rodney's body. The screen he'd set up against the far wall was already on, the movie paused right at the beginning. It began a few moments later thanks to a mental command from John. It was the new Batman movie, but they had both seen it several times over, so it wasn't distracting, more a nice background hum.

Rodney let his eyes drift closed, listening to the movie as John's hands played his body—stroking, caressing, touching. When he hit sensitive spots, Rodney moaned and squirmed, pulling a deep chuckle from John.

He was alternating between touches so light Rodney could barely feel them, all the way to dragging his short nails along sensitive skin.

He'd long since lost any interest in the movie, instead wanting more from John. He could feel his lover's cock—hard and erect—pressed into his lower back. He wanted to be fucked again, wanted to feel John taking him, claiming him, proving that he was still alive.

The fingers finally worked down to wrap around Rodney's erection. Not stroking or trying to arouse him further, but just holding him. He belonged to John. His body, everything.

Rodney moaned, pushing back against John.

John didn't say anything, just dragged his hand up to swipe at the pre-come on the tip. Then he returned to just holding Rodney, branding his fingerprints into soft, sensitive flesh.

Rodney moaned again, a small, whispered word escaping. "Yours."

He got a hum of approval, pleasure. John swiped a thumb along the head of Rodney's dick again, then brought it up to Rodney's lips.

With another moan, Rodney opened his mouth eagerly, sucking on John's fingers, tasting himself. He could feel John's arousal grow as the other man shifted behind him.

He pulled his thumb free only to gather more of the salty liquid, bringing it back up. "Later I'll pull myself out and let you taste us both together."

Rodney hummed around John's fingers, sucking and licking them, making sure he cleaned them off. He'd love to taste John right now, to take him deep. Maybe John would fuck his mouth when he was like this—bound and plugged. God. That would be…really good.

From the way he was using his mouth, John must have guessed what he was thinking. "You wish you had more than my fingers in your mouth, don't you? You wish it was my cock, in so deep you can't breathe, smelling and tasting and seeing nothing but me."

Rodney moaned and nodded as best he could with John's fingers in his mouth.

"You wish I was fucking your mouth, taking you, going so deep your throat will be raw tomorrow. And since you know you won't be allowed to come yet, tasting my come, swallowing it, is the closest you'll be allowed to get, and you'll love it."

Whimpering, Rodney opened his eyes, trying to see his lover, to look in his eyes, but John wasn't ready to let him move.

Instead his free hand gripped Rodney's erection again, the buzzing of the ring got a lot harder at the same time.

Caught between John's hands, he squirmed, moaning and whimpering, but wanting more. This made him feel alive, so alive.

"At the same time you want to be sucking me, you wish you could be fucked, don't you? If you could be filled from both ends, that would be your heaven, wouldn't it?"

He nodded, not caring. He wanted that, loved being filled.

John's chuckle was husky, aroused. "When the movie is over, you're going to stand up and turn around, present your ass to me. I'm going to push the vibrator in deep, pressed against your prostate. Then you're going back to your knees between my legs, and you're going to get me off again."

Rodney moaned and John tightened his hand around him.

He pulled his fingers free, resting the hand against Rodney's stomach and just leaving it there. The other hand didn't move either, just holding him

"Please," Rodney begged, wanting it now, wanting it badly.

"When the movie's over." John whispered it in his ear, pitching his voice to make it sound almost dirty.

Rodney whimpered, trying to squirm and shift. Maybe if he could get himself turned around he could—

"Stop moving."

Rodney stilled, but whimpered again. Part of him wondered if he wanted John to be strict with him, wanted to give John reason to make sure he couldn’t move at all, had to take everything John decided to give him.

"Good boy." John rewarded him with a caress. "There's thirty minutes left. If you squirm or move, you won't get fucked from both ends. Be good, and you will."

"Please, John…" Rodney whispered, while making sure his body was still.

"Just close your eyes and relax against me. If you need help getting into headspace, try to match my breathing."

"Just want you," he said, settling for the easiest thing to say. But today, he knew he needed more.

"You've got me. But I'm your top."

Rodney nodded. "I’m yours. Your slave, sub, bottom…I just…I need…"

"You need to close your eyes and stop thinking. You don't get a say or a vote, except for the few things I'll ask you for specifically."

"Hard…" And today it was. As much as he wanted to drop into subspace, he just wasn't. Something in him wouldn't unclench, let go.

"If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth doing. Just close your eyes and relax against me, Rodney. Match my breathing. For now that's all you need to do."

Turning his head toward the back of the couch and away from the movie, Rodney let his eyes close. It took all of his concentration to make sure he didn't shift or move and then make sure he was matching John's breathing.

John pressed his lips against the side of Rodney's head, but otherwise let him settle.

It took a good while before he got it right, feeling his body relax a bit. He was nowhere near subspace—deep subspace where he wanted to go. Rather, he was barely on the topmost edge. He wanted to feel John. Feel him claiming him, marking him. Wanted that little bit of pain and pleasure mixing together.

Vaguely, he heard the movie shut off. "Very good. I think I promised you a fucking now as a reward."

"Yes, please, sir," Rodney said quietly. "Can you fuck me, please?"

"Stand up. I'll help you." John eased him up, then turned him around. The plug was pulled free, but before he could whimper, something larger was being pressed inside him—the vibrator.

Rodney let his eyes slide closed, whimpering and moaning as the large vibrator stretched him, filled him. It was cold, but he didn't care. It would warm up soon enough. And he'd have John's cock in his mouth in a few minutes.

It nudged against his prostate making him gasp. That was when John turned it on, setting up a steady stimulation against the little gland.

His knees nearly buckled, but John steadied him, helping him down to his knees. With his ankles still bound together it took a little doing—that and the distraction from the vibrations in his ass and around his cock.

But, oh god…

He managed to get his eyes open when John positioned him on the floor in front of the couch, watching as his lover simply tugged himself out of the hole in his boxers. Rodney's mouth was already watering.

Threading a hand through Rodney's hair, John tightened his grip enough that Rodney wouldn't be able to move away. With his other hand, he was idly stroking himself. "Open your mouth."

Rodney did just so, letting his eyes close as he waited for John to position him. He was here to serve John and he wanted to serve him and make him happy in any way he could.

His lover was already leaking a little as he pulled Rodney forward, encouraging him to take John's cock. His grip on Rodney's head controlled the pace and depth—he wouldn't let Rodney go down more than a few inches at first.

Rodney whimpered, wanting John to fuck his mouth, to do more than this. He wanted to really feel it tomorrow, to know he'd given John pleasure.

John pulled him down, forcing him to take his cock until it was bumping the back of his throat. He held him there for several long seconds, hands tight in his hair preventing him from pulling off.

Between the pressure in his throat, the smell of John's musky arousal, and the vibrations through Rodney's body, John was beginning to overwhelm his senses. And Rodney loved it and wanted more.

John continued to thrust and tug him forward. In and out. Holding him in place longer and longer each time. By the fourth time, Rodney felt his body finally relax, letting John slide in deeper, cutting off his air.

He skated on the edge, trusting John to take care of him.

His top pushed in a few more times, and the back of Rodney's throat was feeling good, used. He pulled Rodney up so his lips were around the head. "Suck. Hard. I'm close."

Rodney obeyed immediately, savoring the taste, the smell, the feel of John against his tongue. He slid his tongue along the slit before sucking hard, doing the best he could to pleasure his lover.

With a groan, John was coming, filling his mouth.

He swallowed eagerly, moaning at the taste, at the feeling of warmth as it slid down his throat. He sucked John until he was trembling with the aftershocks, trying to get each and every drop.

He eventually slowed, holding John in his mouth, his lover's hands still tangled in his hair, his body still trembling and shuddering with its own need.

"God, you're so fucking good." John sighed, his voice blissed out. His fingers tightened again briefly, then loosened as they pulled him up and off.

Rodney let John move him, shift him, not giving any resistance, not able to. Every nerve in his body was lit, each and every touch making him tremble and moan.

His lover tucked himself back in, then scooted forward to the edge of the couch. "Sit up so I can pull the vibe out and put your plug back in."

He tried, he really did, but his muscles weren't listening, weren't obeying. He managed to get halfway up, falling partially over John's right leg, and hanging there.

John's arms were strong, wrapping around him. "Hey, I'm here. Take as long as you need, I just know it will get uncomfortable if I leave it in too long without letting you come."

Rodney pressed his face into the couch pillow, panting and moaning. John eventually moved him, shifting him up onto his lap before laying him gently down on the couch, caressing his back, his arms, his ass—whatever skin he could reach.

The vibrator was shut off, and he couldn't help moaning as it was pulled free, swiftly replaced by his plug from before. Then there were soft lips kissing him all over.

He whimpered, already missing that extra sensation, wanting it again, needing to feel it again.

"Shhhh. I'm here. I'll play with you again in a little while, maybe even fuck you properly again. But I'm not going to keep you so stretched around something today that you can't walk tomorrow."

Rodney managed a nod, moaning quietly as John's hands touched him, caressed him. When John's hands slid across his ass, he pressed up into them, getting a light smack in response which pulled a low, deep moan from him.

He heard a deep chuckle. "Very nice." John's hand came down again, just hard enough for him to feel it. "I could make your ass nice and red and hot."

Tugging at the bindings around his wrists, he moaned again before whispering a reply. "Please, sir." He didn't know what made him say that, what made him want it, but today he couldn't get enough sensation. He wanted everything.

John hummed. A hand came down on his other cheek, a little harder this time.

Rodney moaned, grinding down a little before angling his ass up again, welcoming another hit, another flare of pain and pleasure.

John set up a rhythm, alternating between each cheek, although he varied the intensity of the slaps with no pattern Rodney could read.

After a few minutes, Rodney was panting and moaning, begging John for more between each and every hit. "Please," "more," "harder," morphed into "Please, sir" "more, sir" "harder, sir" somewhere in the middle as he eagerly anticipated and welcomed each and every hit.

Finally, John's hand came down and then rested against Rodney's ass, which was on fire.

But he still pressed up against it, begging for more.

He felt the other man shift, and then lips were pressed to each cheek. "Maybe later. For now I just want to admire how pretty you look."

He whimpered quietly, but submitted, feeling John's eyes on him, his fingers gently tracing the edge of the red. He pressed against his claim mark on each cheek, pulling a low moan from Rodney each time.

"Beautiful..."

With the cock ring quietly buzzing away, Rodney let himself get lost in the sensations of his body, all other thoughts flying away.

John's gentle touches gradually turned into a massage, working his back and shoulders, turning him into mush.

Eventually John shifted out from under his legs, turning him onto his side and pressing him against the back pillows before sliding in next to him on the couch—chest to chest. Rodney slowly opened his eyes, finding John's hazel ones staring at him.

He got a soft smile, and a kiss on the tip of his nose. "Hey, there."

"Mmm…hi," Rodney said, shifting forward, aiming toward John's lips with his own.

His lover met him halfway, sliding their mouths together in an easy kiss.

He moved to wrap his leg around John, but the padlock stopped him short. He moaned into the kiss and John pressed him back against the pillows, keeping him in place.

John's tongue came into play, pushing inside, licking away his own taste from the inside of Rodney's mouth.

John's hands were tracing patterns on his skin, one sliding down to grab his red and sore ass, squeezing. Rodney arched into his lover, his moan swallowed by John's mouth and his deep chuckle.

Breaking the kiss, John nibbled along Rodney's jaw line. "Love you like this. So open and needy and completely mine."

"Can…can take more…whatever you want…" Rodney panted, tilting his head to give John better access to his neck.

"I know you can. And you will. But I have you all day, so I'm not going to rush things."

"Today and tomorrow…" Rodney whispered.

"Exactly." John moved his nibbling down to Rodney's exposed neck. "All the time in the world to love you properly."

Rodney sighed, some of the pain from his own arousal fading to the back of his mind as John's lips and teeth danced along his neck.

With a last lick to Rodney's neck, John settled more firmly into the couch. "Think I need a nap."

Rodney felt his body tense. Nap. No. Nonono. No nap. He squirmed a little, but how John had positioned him didn't give him much room to move. Hardly any.

"Hey, talk to me, buddy. You just went from noodle-like to tense all over again."

"No nap," Rodney whispered. "Please."

John blinked a few times. "You don't want me to nap?"

Rodney shook his head. Sleep equaled nightmares for him and he had no desire to have one like this.

A hand ran up and down his side. "All right. I can't promise I won't take one later. As much as I'd like to deny it, I'm still not quite up to speed again yet. But for now I can just hold you, okay?"

Nodding, Rodney let John tug him closer, rolling him slightly so he was half on top of John. His hands settled on Rodney's back and his ass.

He wrapped one leg around Rodney's, and sighed. "I love the sex, but this is almost better, just you and me and time on our hands and nothing to do except be here."

Rodney settled his head against John's shoulder, trying to relax his body again. "Sorry."

"Not your fault. Don't be sorry, just keep telling me if something makes you unhappy and we'll be fine."

"I just…I don't want to have a nightmare again."

"I don't blame you. Want to talk about it?"

"Not really, no." No way in hell was more like it.

He felt more than heard John sigh. "I'll let it go for now, but if you're still having them in a few days, we will talk about it."

Rodney sighed, but nodded.

John's hands ran up and down his back. "I miss cooking." It was a complete non sequitur.

"You can cook. I’m not going to stop you. As if I'd want to stop you."

"I know. But it's hard to get both the right tools and the right ingredients here. It would look weird if I requisitioned a full kitchen, plus enough gourmet stuff to stock our pantry. But I really miss it."

Rodney shifted, getting pulled short by the restraints. The sensation, instead of making him tense, relaxed him. John had him. "We can do a little at a time."

"Mmm, true. I'd love to get a mixer, and some basic pots and pans. And some real ingredients. I'd love to have my own stock of things like flour and eggs and sugar and milk. The basics. But there's only so much room on the Daedalus, and I'm not sure how Caldwell would feel about being my personal grocery shopper. The stuff we get in for the mess isn't bad, but it's not the good stuff."

John sighed, tugging him a little closer, running his hand along Rodney's still-warm ass. "If you really want to do it," Rodney said quietly, "we can figure something out."

"Yeah, I think I would. As hobbies go, it's relaxing, and I like cooking for you. And there's something about cooking and having you tied to a chair nearby."

"Caldwell knows better than to look in the science department crates."

John shifted to look at him. "You could get away with adding real groceries to the science manifest?"

"Depends what it is. Perishable, no. Other stuff…probably."

John's fingers absently stroked Rodney's side. "Could you get me a Kitchen Aid and some pots and pans? Real flour and sugar? Spices? Cocoa powder maybe?"

"Mmm," Rodney hummed at John's touch. "We smuggled sex toys to Pegasus. Cookware is easy."

His lover chuckled. "True. I'll make you a wish list later, both food staples and cookware. You can surprise me with whatever you're actually able get through."

"Mmmm….'kay." John's hands really felt good on his skin.

"I think I want to play with you again."

Rodney smiled slowly. "I think I'd like that."

"I'm going to unhook your feet so we can walk to the bedroom."

"Okay." He watched as John uncurled himself from the couch, looking around for the key—which Rodney had not brought. John moved to the kitchen, finding one of the spares in the junk drawer.

He quickly unlocked just the padlocks holding Rodney's feet together, then hooked a hand under his elbow to help him stand. John stepped back and looked him up and down for a moment. "Mmmmm. Nice."

Rodney raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything to correct him. Parts of him not normally red, were, and his cock was very, very angry with him right now. John let Rodney take his time as they walked to the bedroom, his hands playing across his skin while also keeping him steady.

John unhooked his hands as soon as they were at the bed, quickly pushing him onto his back and attaching him to the straps on the headboard. Then he rocked back to his knees and just stared.

Rodney shifted on the bed under John's intense gaze, his ass protesting its earlier treatment. But with every move, he could feel his arousal growing slightly as endorphins began to floor his system once again.

Seconds passed. Then minutes. But John was silent. After a while Rodney had to break it, his voice quiet, begging John to do something. "John…please..."

"Hmm? I'm enjoying the view."

"Touch me?"

A hand came to rest on each of his legs, running up and down them.

Rodney let his head fall back, moaning as his body came alive again. "So good…" he whispered, moaning as John's hands hit sensitive spots.

"I could just look at you like this all day. You're so fucking hot when you're aroused like this."

"You…because of you."

John's hand drifted higher, to cup around his balls, holding them softly.

Rodney cried out, the sacs overly sensitive.

"They're hot, swollen. You want to come, don't you?"

Rodney shook his head. No. He wanted to wait.

"Mmm, I wasn't offering to let you. Just making note of the fact that your body is straining for it, begging for it."

He whimpered and John closed his hand a little tighter, forcing a higher-pitched whine from Rodney's mouth. "All you. You did this to me."

"I love that I'm the one—the only one—who can."

"Only you…no one else."

John crawled up his body and laid down flat, the rough fabric rubbing against him in all the right places. John leaned in, kissing him slowly, softly.

Rodney moaned, purring a little into John's mouth, thrusting up into him. John felt so good.

John just pushed down against him, thrusting his tongue in over and over.

It got hot and wet and dirty as both men let their tongues tangle and battle, each moaning and groaning, their sounds swallowed by the other. It couldn't get much better than this.

When they finally had to break to breathe, John just moved down, leaving a trail of marks along Rodney's shoulders and collarbone

Rodney panted, trying to catch his breath. "Please," he begged. "Mark me."

John hummed, biting and sucking and staking his claim.

Rodney cried out softly, shuddering under John. He could feel his skin bruising, altering its color. John was precise, working and worrying the one spot until he was happy with it before moving and starting again.

John sat up, his eyes dark. "Spread your legs as wide as you can get them. I want to mark your inner thighs."

"Oh…yeah," Rodney moaned, complying immediately. He lifted his head to watch John, his lover licking and nipping up toward his groin, looking for the perfect spot.

He finally settled on a spot almost at the crease where his leg met his torso. The skin was really sensitive there, and the feeling of being marked was even more intense.

Rodney dropped his head back, his eyes closing as he moaned loudly, trying to hold still. His hands clenched above his head, tugging at the restraints holding them in place. John finished after a long minute, before shifting Rodney's leg up, already aiming for another spot a little further back. John marked him on his inner thigh, somewhere between his cock and ass, a place that would remind him of its presence every time Rodney moved.

He sucked a line all the way down to Rodney's knee, which got its own mark right in the bend. Then John let that leg fall back to the bed and headed for the second one.

John repeated the marks on the other side of Rodney's body, driving him to distraction. It felt so good.

When he finished with the mark inside Rodney's second knee, John let the leg fall, then started to run his hands up and down, pressing on random marks on each pass.

Rodney could finally feel his mind slowing, taken over by the pleasure John was pulling forth. He moaned and whimpered with each and every pass. His lover continued to shift him, moving him to access different areas, making additional marks and claims before going back to his caresses. When John was done, there would be no mistaking who he belonged to.

Finally, John stretched back out along Rodney's body, propped up on his elbows so he could look down. "Mine."

His free hand rested against Rodney's chest, making patterns, absently tugging on the chain between the nipple clamps. "Did you miss any spots?" Rodney finally managed to ask, his head rolled to the side, his eyes heavy with arousal.

"Don't think so. You're not going to be able to move, at all, for the next few days without feeling me in at least a dozen places." John's expression took on a gleam of both possessiveness and arousal.

"Mmm…you sure about that?"

"You're covered in my marks." He pressed on the biggest, the one on Rodney's shoulder.

Rodney's body shuddered—partly from pain, partly from pleasure—and he groaned, panting as John took his hand away. "Is that the only thing you're going to cover me with?"

John laughed softly. "I'm covering you with me right now. And ooh—I forgot about the chocolate sauce. I could have a lot of fun covering you in that and licking it off."

"Mmm…or other sticky substances."

John's eyes danced. "Honey? Do we have any here?"

Rodney smiled slowly. "Cabinet. Wonder if it goes with come."

John gave him a quick kiss then rolled off the bed. "Everything goes with come. I'll be right back."

Shifting on the bed, he tugged at the restraints holding him down, feeling some of the tension slide away. There was something about bondage like this with John. Rodney closed his eyes, letting his body feel every mark, every tug as he tested the bonds. He shifted slowly, feelings the flare-ups of pain and pleasure, moaning quietly to himself. It felt so good.

He didn't hear John come back, but when he cracked his eyes again, his lover was standing there, just watching him. A very obvious bulge in his BDUs.

"John…" he whispered, offering a soft smile.

It was returned, with one just a soft, just as full of emotion. "Hi."

"Come on me?"

John moaned softly, climbing back on the bed. "You're going to kill me."

"I hope not," Rodney said with another smile, his eyes following John. He could already imagine what it would feel like to have John's warm come streaked across his body, how it would feel when John leaned over and rubbed it into his skin.

"A man of my age should not be able to come this frequently or this spectacularly. I thought sex got more mundane as you got older, not hotter and 'brain dribbling out your cock' good."

"Mundane is boring," Rodney said, the corner of his mouth twitching. He wanted John, so badly.

His lover grinned, stripping quickly and tossing his clothes to the floor before straddling Rodney's legs. "Who needs vanilla when you can have peppermint?"

Rodney bucked up with a groan. "Chocolate's better."

"Depends. I like chocolate, but even that's expected, usual. You can get it as one of three milkshake flavors at McDonald's. But Peppermint—that's something special, something only a few people appreciate the true sexiness of." He got a hand around Rodney's dick and started to stroke slowly.

"Oh god…" he moaned. John had left his cock alone for so long, but now….oh god, now it hurt. He needed to come. "John…."

"Hmmm? Like that?" John used his other hand to start fondling Rodney's balls again.

"Hurts," Rodney said with a moan, his body reacting to John's touches, as if it had a mind of its own, pushing into John's hand to feel more.

"I can imagine. Between the spanking, the marking and the fucking, you've got to be wanting it. Does thinking about me being buried deep inside you make you ache? Does the thought of me spending the next hour licking honey off your nipples before I jerk off while you watch make you want to scream with frustration?"

He groaned again, moaning deep and low as he nodded. "Need to, want to."

John started working his hand faster, concentrating on the head. "You don't get to come until I want you to."

Rodney whined in frustration, the sound ending in a small sob. He ached for it, so badly he could taste it. He shifted his legs under John, the claim marks erupting with pinpricks of pain all over his body. He moved again, to get away from it, only to cause more. Pain moved to pleasure and Rodney found himself moaning again—loudly—begging and pleading when he could form words, otherwise reduced to vowel-only sounds.

He felt John swipe a thumb across his cock, gathering the pre-come. Then his hand disappeared. But before Rodney could sob in protest, the same thumb was being pushed between his lips.

Rodney sucked and licked it eagerly, still shifting and squirming and moaning. There was nothing except pain and pleasure and John.

John pulled his hand free. "Open your eyes and look at me."

It took effort, but he obeyed, forcing his heavy lids up until he was looking up at John, his mouth hanging open as he panted.

When he was sure he had Rodney's attention, John deliberately gathered up more of Rodney's precome. Then he brought it to his own mouth, licking it off almost delicately without breaking eye contact.

Oh. Oh.

Rodney whimpered, wanting to taste.

He did it again, licking away every drop.

Rodney knew his eyes were wide as he focused on John, tasting him, licking his come from his fingers. He strained up, wanting his own taste, but the restraints held him firmly. He whined, wanting more but unable to get it.

John chuckled. Then he swiped his thumb across his own leaking erection, holding it up so Rodney could see the glistening moisture before licking that away, too. "Do you want a taste too?"

A single blink and the barest nod of his head were the only things Rodney could manage.

John gathered up both their fluids, bringing it to his lips. "We go well together. Very well."

"Please…" Rodney said, tugging at his hands, his eyes barely blinking as he focused on John's fingers as he licked off their pre-come.

John stroked them both again, wetting his thumb. This time he held it to Rodney's lips.

Rodney lifted his head to take John's thumb in his mouth, but his lover pulled it back, just out of reach, pulling a frustrated whine from Rodney. "Please, sir, please."

John smiled. "Good boy." He let Rodney suck his thumb this time, lick at the combined flavors it carried.

He moaned as his eyes slid closed, licking and sucking John's thumb, making sure he got every last drop.

As soon as his eyes dropped, though, John's hand disappeared. "Keep them open and on me."

With a desperate whimper, Rodney nodded, watching John, waiting for his lover to move.

John shimmied down Rodney's body, so he was sitting on his ankles. Then he leaned forward and got comfortable. "I think I want to suck you for a while. Keep your eyes open."

As soon as John's hot, wet mouth surrounded him, Rodney's eyes immediately closed and he tried to buck up, but his lover had him pinned effectively. Before John could stop what he was doing, however, Rodney dragged his eyes open once again, moaning, low and deep as John sucked and licked his cock.

He felt his lover chuckle around him, just adding to the sensations. Then he set about driving Rodney absolutely crazy, going fast then slow, hard then soft, taking him all the way up then bringing him back down, over and over.

By the end, Rodney could barely keep his eyes open, lost somewhere between pleasure and pain, between dream and reality, lost somewhere in ecstasy.

John brought a hand up to trace along the still-buzzing ring. He caught and held Rodney's eye for a moment—the message was clear. When the ring comes off, Rodney could come.

Rodney didn't know if he said it out loud or it was just in his head.

John sucked hard right on the head and increased the buzz to what had to be maximum at the same time, then without warning, he sucked hard again and the ring fell away.

With a howl Rodney came, his entire body tensing before he shuddered hard, pleasure and pain rolling through him with tsunami-like intensity. He knew John was swallowing everything down, but the sensations quickly overcame him and Rodney felt his head loll to the side as everything went dark for a little while.

But, oh, what a great way to die.

***

John smiled as he pulled off, letting Rodney’s softening cock slip from his mouth. He licked the other man clean, and then carefully put the cock ring back on, although without any buzz.    

He was hard, but he had come enough times today already that he would live. With a sigh, he flopped to the bed next to his lover to wait for him to wake up.

It had been an interesting day so far. Rodney was in an… odd… mood. He had never asked for pain before, but today he seemed to be craving it.

With a sigh, John sat up long enough to unhook one of Rodney’s hands, then flopped back down, arms above his head. He was exhausted, and if he fell asleep while waiting for his lover to come around, he wanted Rodney to be able to shake him.

Closing his eyes, he let the day and everything settle around him, let his brain work on it while he drifted a little.

He felt Rodney shift sometime later and John opened his eyes, watching his lover come around. John's eyes drifted to the clock, noting that Rodney had been out cold for nearly thirty minutes. Wow. That hadn't happened since…well, since the first time.

He rolled so he was curled along Rodney's side, putting his head on the other man's chest.

Rodney moaned quietly, turning into John.

John wrapped his arms around his lover, sighing softly. He was comfortable, happy. He didn't want to move.

His lover's free arm wrapped around John, pulling him closer. Rodney's leg, pressed between John's leg. It was as if the other man was trying to crawl into him.

And John was okay with that. He was struggling a little himself today. He wanted to be, needed to be, strong for Rodney. But if he was honest with himself, he was still worn out and more than a little freaked out by the whole 'turning into a bug' experience. He needed this to know he was alive and okay.

Rodney sighed contentedly, his breath puffing against John's skin.

"Better?" He kept his voice quiet, not wanting to break the comfortable peace that had settled around them.

"Mmm." Rodney's head nodded just about the barest amount to be considered a nod.

John smiled into skin and let go of any remaining tension, melting against Rodney. He closed his eyes, enjoying the quiet time.

"Mmmm." This time it was a Rodney purr as he snuggled closer. Now, if John called him on the snuggling, Rodney would deny it, but Rodney was a snuggler and a cuddler.

John drifted, content, happy. He would never admit it out loud either, but he loved this time, the snuggling. His ex-wife had always gotten pissed when John refused to snuggle—then, he hadn't wanted to. That should have been a clue. Now... He couldn't get enough of Rodney, couldn't get close enough.

He did fall asleep, they both did, drifting in the warmth of their shared body heat, entwined together.

It was hunger that finally dragged John out of his nap. He looked up at Rodney without lifting his head. His lover slept on, his face relaxed in slumber, the lines of pain and tension John had seen the night before—even after the sleeping pill had taken effect—were gone.

John sat up carefully, making sure he didn't wake the other man. Rodney desperately needed the rest. He carefully unhooked his other arm so Rodney could join him when he did get up, then wandered out to the kitchen to put something together. While he was there he made a quick call to Doctor Zelenka, asking him to check the computers in Rodney's dungeon of a lab. There was no way he was going to let Rodney out of his sight today. If there was a problem with the figures, Zelenka would call him back.

John prayed for no problems.

He made a few sandwiches, then grabbed one of their precious soda hoard and his faux-turkey and went out to the balcony. They kept a few chairs and a small table out there, so he settled in, looking out over his city as he ate.

He'd finished one half of his sandwich and was starting on the next when he heard a small cry. Pausing mid-bite, he waited, wanting the sound to resolve itself. After nearly a minute, he didn't hear it again so he settled back, watching the waves crest against the city below.

The second half of his sandwich disappeared quickly and he sipped his soda, washing it down.

Another noise and John found him already on his feet without knowing why, his mind taking a moment to process what he'd heard and inform his conscious mind.

Rodney's voice.

"Rodney?" He moved back inside. "Hey, I'm out here. I was having some lunch and enjoying the view while I let you catch up on sleep."

Another noise, this one a chocked off scream, and John was moving faster.

He moved into the bedroom, and was at his lover's side, hands skimming his body. "Hey, wake up, I'm here."

Rodney was thrashing a little, the line between his eyebrows deep. At John's touch, his lover nearly bolted out of the bed, almost cracking John's head with his own.

He managed to dodge at the last minute, then wrapped himself completely around his lover. He whispered over and over, hoping to get though. "I'm here. It's okay. Everything's okay."

"Dead. You were dead. I was running. Couldn't get away…" Rodney's words were harshly whispered. "They were going to kill me just like they killed you…skin…oh god…" He shuddered.

John just tightened his grip. "It was just a nightmare. I'm here. Alive. In one piece and fully human."

Rodney managed to turn in John's arms, wrapping himself around his lover, over-balancing them until they tilted back onto the bed.

John twisted them so they were both on their sides, holding each other.

"They'd skinned you," Rodney said quietly, words whispered into John's shoulder. "I watched and they were coming for me next."

Christ, Rodney's brain was in over-active mode. John was starting to think he might need to have Heightmeyer over for dinner. "I'm fine. All my skin is right where it should be."

"I know."

"Talk to me, lover. Don't think about it, just…talk. Let's see if that helps. I won't interrupt until you're done."

Rodney shook his head.

"It will help. You can't keep going like this."

"It'll pass."

"We can't live like this. You're barely sleeping."

"I get enough. It'll get better now you're home."

John sighed. "I can't be here 24/7. You were sleeping fine while I was here, but as soon as I got up to have some lunch and let you sleep, you slipped into a nightmare."

"It'll get better. It's already better."

"Give me a time frame. I'm willing to try this your way, but only for so long."

"A few days, a week tops."

"All right. You have a week. After that, you can either talk to me or talk to Kate about it, agreed?"

Rodney huffed, but nodded.

"Good." John ran a hand up and down Rodney's back. "I made you a sandwich. I'm sure you're hungry, so come eat something."

"Can I…I need to pee."

"Okay. Meet me out on the balcony."

Rodney nodded, sliding a little unsteadily from the bed and padding into the bathroom.

John sighed and stretched, willing his adrenaline back down. He wandered back out, dropping back into his seat and picking up the soda he had been nursing, taking a small sip.

His lover appeared a few moments later, hesitating before stepping out on the balcony.

Leaning back, John spread his legs so Rodney could sit in between them, back to chest. "It's beautiful out here. It's easy to forget sometimes, that we live in the lost city of Atlantis."

Rodney's expression turned exasperated for a brief second before he rolled his eyes and nodded, moving to John. "Yes, we do."

John's lips twitched. "I mean, it's easy to take it for granted. To stop seeing how beautiful it is, how amazing it is that we're in a city built 10,000 years ago and living in another galaxy. It gets... mundane I guess, after a while. I like being able to come out here and remember."

Rodney sighed a little as he settled in with John, leaning back, letting his lover take his weight. "I guess. Sometimes it doesn't matter where I'm working, it's the same stuff. I could be in a top secret bunker in the middle of Russia or on another planet or in the desert." Rodney shrugged. "It's all the same to me most of the time."

"But it's not." John wrapped one arm around Rodney's waist, gesturing to take in the whole city with the other. "We live here. In a living, flying city in the Pegasus galaxy. That's pretty damn cool."

"A city that potentially can fly if we had enough power—which we don’t."

"Doesn't matter. The potential is there, which is cool enough." John pressed his face into the back of Rodney's neck. "I could have lost it. Lost you."

"You didn't."

"So close." John closed his eyes. "As I changed, I could feel her attitude toward me changing. She's always been welcoming, inviting me in, to connect to her. But then... She was hostile, actively blocking me. If I had pushed, I think she would have tried to fight back. It was... damn scary. Even now... I... She doesn't trust me, not completely."

Rodney stiffened in his arms. "She?"

"Atlantis."

"Oh," Rodney said, relaxing once again, shifting a little uneasily. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have jumped to really wrong conclusions, but it was just a habit…I'm sorry."

John chuckled, tightening his arms slightly around Rodney. "S'okay. That's an ingrained habit. I think of anything that flies or goes fast as a 'she'. I don't think I've ever heard another pilot refer to their craft as anything but female, for whatever reason. We all just pick it up in training, and it sticks with us I guess."

"I guess," Rodney said with a sigh before continuing a moment later. "You mentioned something about food."

"I left you a sandwich on the table. Go grab it and bring it out."

"Oh. I didn't see it, but then again I didn't come out through the kitchen. I'll be right back." Rodney got himself up and John got a good look at all of the marks he'd left on Rodney's ass and legs.

He grinned, knowing his lover would be feeling it for days.

Rodney disappeared for a minute, coming back with a bottle of water and the sandwich, handing both to John before kneeling next to him and waiting.

Smiling, John gestured to his lap. "Come sit with me. I can feed you from here, and I want to feel you."

With a bob of his head, Rodney rose. "Just…just put me where you want me."

"Here." John spread his legs. "Like you were before."

"So you're going to feed me backwards?" Rodney asked, his eyebrow raised, but he didn't argue, settling in once again with a sigh.

John hummed, wrapping one leg around his lover to keep him pressed close. He broke off a piece of sandwich and held it up where Rodney could get it.

Rodney's hands rested on John's arm where it crossed over him, his fingers rubbing gently. He turned his head, taking the piece from John, chewing carefully.

"When we're done with lunch," John fed him a second piece, "let's pull out the chess board. Every time I take one of your pieces, your cock ring will start to buzz a little harder. Every time you take one of mine, you'll earn another new mark anywhere you want it."

"Mmm…so a win-win solution, hmm?"

"Pretty much." John grinned. "It will make the game more interesting. Spicy."

Rodney nipped at John's empty fingers, throwing him a twisted smile, some of the heaviness in his eyes drifting away again.

John took the hint and fed him another piece of sandwich. "We can set it up out here. I like the fresh air."

"You like putting us on display. What if someone looks?"

"Our balcony is sheltered. Someone would have to go to a hell of a lot of trouble to take a peek."

"Well," Rodney said, his chest a little puffed. "You never know. You are more than good looking enough to go to a hell of a lot of trouble for. Maybe someone wants to look. At you."

John nibbled a little at his lover's neck. "If they go to all the trouble of getting a peek at our balcony, they deserve a little reward. As long as no pictures show up on the Intranet, I really don't care."

Rodney turned his head away and sighed. "John…" And there was the tone John hated.

Sighing softly, John lifted his head. "What? No one can see us here, Rodney. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with this suite in the first place."

"You don't worry enough."

"Yes, I do. I just don't let it out very often because I know you need me to be a little more reckless to balance you out."

Rodney snorted. "As if."

John shrugged. "I've been bi and in the Air Force for how many years? I was trained in Special Ops, and I've flown some of the most top secret aircraft the USAF has ever produced. They wouldn't have let me near them if even a hint that I was attracted to men at any point in my life had leaked out. I know how to be discreet, but I choose not to—at least not as strongly as I used to—here because if I did, between us we'd never even have sex, much less do anything else."

His lover was quiet, letting John feed him another bite, and then another. He'd turned his head back toward John, resting against his shoulder. John glanced down and discovered Rodney's eyes had closed.

Since he wanted his lover to relax, John didn't break the silence, just kept feeding Rodney until the sandwich was gone.

They stayed like that, curled up on the chair together for a long while. A soft snore from Rodney at some point indicated that his sleepless nights were catching up with him—whether or not he admitted it.

John let his own head fall back against the chair, content for now to just enjoy the late afternoon sun and soft breeze and his partner and lover pressed back against him comfortably.

They didn't get to do this enough, the quiet time, the togetherness. Quick fucks in the morning before shift or a little play at the end of the day were good, but sometimes it wasn't enough. With just sex, you missed this.

He smiled, relaxing. This was a great way to spend a day off.

John drifted off, waking much later when he shivered, the afternoon long gone and evening well underway. Rodney had turned slightly, one of his hands pressed against John's chest, fingers curling forward.

Grunting a little, John shifted against him. "You awake?"

A soft snore answered him.

John chuckled, but he was getting cold. "Hey, buddy, let's move this inside where we aren't likely to get frostbite on certain bits I'm particularly fond of."

Shaking him, John finally got a sleepy response, a half snort as he came awake.

"Hey. Come on with me and I'll let you get settled again on the couch. We need to move inside before we catch a cold."

"Mmm…right," Rodney muttered, still half asleep and honestly really cute when he sat up blinking, his brain obviously not in gear. He was loose and pliable, letting John get him up and moving.

John made a point of petting and caressing, keeping his lover from surfacing completely. He really only wanted the other man up enough to move, then he hoped he would fall back into a doze. John settled him on the couch, pulling a blanket over the naked man.

Rodney turned onto his side, curling up a little and snuffling into the couch pillow.

John perched on the edge of the couch, and lightly ran his fingers through Rodney's hair, making it stick up, then smoothing it back down. A strong surge of affection made him catch his breath, his chest tight with it.

His lover shifted again, a whispered word that sounded vaguely like John's name falling from Rodney's lips.

"Here," John breathed, smiling, wanting to reassure the other man he was still there, still close.

"Mmm," he said, smiling lightly, drifting somewhere between sleep and wakefulness.

John shifted to the couch, so he was sitting at Rodney's feet, a hand resting on his lover's leg as he just looked his fill. He loved Rodney's body, the lines, the soft places John could put his head. Rodney was broad, solid... cuddly.

It wasn't often he had the time to do this, they never had the time. The door chime startled him from his musings. Rodney shifted slightly but didn't wake.

John made sure the blanket was completely covering Rodney, then darted into the bedroom to pull on a pair of boxers before heading to the door. He flicked a mental command at the city to open the door as he approached.

Carson Beckett stood outside, his hand paused mid-way to the door chime. "Colonel," he said in surprise. "I wasna sure you were here."

John stepped aside, letting the other man in with a smile. "Sorry, I had to go make myself decent. I don't want to wake Rodney up, so why don't we head out to the balcony to chat?"

"Aye," Carson said quietly as he stepped inside. "He's sleeping?"

"Yeah." John led the other man past his lover and out to the balcony. The cool air made goose bumps stand up on his arm. "He's been dozing most of the day. I don't think he slept much the last few weeks, so I've been trying to let him catch up as much as possible."

"Good. He needs it. I was stopping to check on both of you, make sure you were still alive and all."

John rubbed at his blue mole. "Yeah. We're doing all right I think. Rodney's having nightmares, but he got me to agree to give him a week to see if they go away by themselves before I force him to talk to someone."

Carson glanced up sharply, his eyes narrowing. "So is that his issue? He would’na tell me when I asked." He sighed, shaking his head. "If it doesn't get better in a few days, get Kate involved. It's been going on long enough—even if he won't admit it." Carson offered a smile as he took a breath. "And you? You're doing better?"

John moved to the railing, looking out over the city. "I'll keep an eye on him. When I'm there, he seems to sleep easier, so if nothing else, hopefully we can get him caught up on his sleep. As for me... I'm... okay. Still a little freaked out about the whole thing, but I'll live."

"Aye, that you will. Of that I'm positive. And I'm sorry, again, for all of this."

John smiled slightly. "It wasn't your fault, or at least nothing you could have predicted, so stop apologizing."

"I know better. It shouldn't have happened in the first place."

Reaching out, John put a hand on Carson's arm. "Stop beating yourself up over it. At worst you made a mistake. We all have…we're human, Carson. It happens."

"And it shouldn't have. It won't happen again, I can guarantee that."

John looked closely at the other man. He could see the guilt lying heavily on Carson's shoulders. He wished he could do more to help his friend, but he didn't think Beckett would accept it. He sighed softly.

"So you're doin' all right, the two of you?" he asked, peering back into the apartment.

John followed his gaze, back to the couch and Rodney's peaceful form. "You mean as a couple? I think so. He needed to just let go and submit, badly. Once he did, a lot of the tension and stress bled out of him—and me, to be honest. We both needed the reconnection to remind ourselves that I'm alive and well."

"Good. I want to see him the day after tomorrow for a check-up."

John nodded. "I can do that. I'm assuming you want me there as well, for a final all-clear before I go back on duty? If that's the case, we can just wander over together before we head off for the day."

"Aye. I'll decide then if Rodney'll be back on duty or not. You should be fine if you don't have any issues."

"Sounds like a plan." John gave Carson a side-long look. "What about you? Are you all right?"

Carson nodded. "Fine. I just wanted to check in on you," he said, already moving back toward the door.

"Carson." John stopped him. "You look like shit. If you won't talk to me, promise me you'll go see Kate yourself."

"I’m fine, John. Just tired. I’m heading off duty. It's been a long few weeks."

"I know. Just... take care of yourself, too."

He nodded slowly. "I will."

"Good. You know you're always welcome to hang out here."

"I know, but you both need time together. There's really never room for a third wheel."

John smiled gently. "You're our friend, Carson. You're always welcome."

Of course, that's when Rodney had to wake up, a slightly panicked, "John" echoing through the apartment.

With a quick touch to Carson's arm, John slipped past him, into Rodney's line of sight. "I'm here. Carson came over to check on us, so we were outside chatting so we wouldn't wake you up."

Rodney was sitting up on the couch, blanket spilled in his lap, hair sticking up, the light caught the edge of his collar, making it shine. His eyes were wide. "You were…you're okay?"

John moved closer, reaching out to cup Rodney's face. "I'm fine. He stopped in on his way back to his own quarters for the night to see how we were doing."

His lover tugged him down, pressing his lips to John's, surprising him at the desperation—and the PDA. Damn. He must have had another nightmare.

John sat across Rodney's legs—the angle of leaning down was awkward—and took control of the kiss. He deepened it briefly, then backed off. He glanced up to see Carson blushing furiously, but he wasn't fleeing the room—that was always a good sign, even if it just meant he was getting more comfortable with the fact that he and Rodney were together. He turned his attention back to his lover. "Say hi to Carson."

Rodney was panting a little, but he turned and said hi, with considerably less of a blush than Carson was currently sporting. "I…hi."

John pressed his lips to Rodney's forehead then stood up again. "I think I'm going to figure out what we're doing for dinner. Carson, you're more than welcome to stay if you want. I can go grab a pair of boxers for Rodney."

Carson shook his head, scooting toward the door. "I should probably go."

"You don't have to," Rodney replied quietly, surprisingly unselfconscious of the nipple clamps and the cuffs that were plainly visible.

John nodded. "You look like you could use a hot meal. I'll be right back—have a seat." John hoped Carson would sit down and relax a little, but he didn't know if, when he got back from getting Rodney something to wear, Beckett would still be in the suite.

Rodney certainly was surprising him, either that or he was finally, really settling into everything—which wouldn't be a bad thing. There was nothing he needed to be self-conscious about. Carson was seated in one of the living room chairs talking quietly with Rodney when John walked back out.

Smiling to himself, John handed his lover his favorite pair of Rodney's boxers—they had some sort of kiwi or lime or something, and for some reason they amused John quite a bit—and a plain t-shirt. He padded into the kitchen to start putting a meal together, leaving the other two to continue to talk quietly.

John heard an exclamation from Carson at some point, but Rodney quickly quieted the Scot. He'd have to ask him later what it was about.

It took him maybe a half-hour to put together a warm meal, setting it all on the table. He wandered back over to the couch, resting a hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Dinner's ready when you guys are."

Carson quickly rose, pointing toward the door. "I should leave you to eat and relax. I've taken enough of your time."

"I made enough for three—if you leave it will go to waste." John moved to put a hand on Carson's elbow and steered him to the table, catching Rodney's eye. "Come on to the table, too. That sandwich wasn't much, and it was hours ago."

Rodney rose, following behind John and Carson, waiting for John to settle the protesting Scot in a seat. He was giving John an odd look as he stood off to the side a little. "Where would you like me?"

John glanced at Carson, and debated. Carson was skittish, but this might be a good opportunity for him to see a side of BDSM that didn't involve either pain or sex, and that Rodney clearly enjoyed. He smiled at his lover and sat down, gesturing to where Rodney usually was when they were alone. "Where do you think?"

Without even an unsure glance at the Scot, Rodney nodded, settling down easily, his hands immediately clasping behind his back. Huh.

With a soft smile, John picked up a piece of fruit he knew Rodney loved and held it out for him. John glanced up at Carson, his smile turning to more of a grin. "So what did we miss today around the city? Anything interesting?"

Carson's eyes were wide and focused on Rodney as he ate from John's hand, watching as Rodney scooted a little closer to John.

After he fed his lover the bite, John caressed him, then fed himself a little before handing another morsel to Rodney. "Carson?"

The Scot was still transfixed and John glanced down at his lover, making sure nothing was wrong. But Rodney was chewing quietly, eyes closed, leaning a little into John's hand where it was caressing his jaw.

It wasn't until John reached over the table and tapped the Scot on his arm that he got a response—mainly just Carson ripping his eyes away from Rodney. "What?"

"Eat before it gets cold. I might be a decent cook, but even I can't make cold beet-things taste good."

"Oh, I'm sure it's fine," Carson said, but he did pick up his fork, taking a small bite, his eyes flickering back to Rodney as John fed him another bite. "You…ah…you said something? Before?"

"I was just asking if anything exciting happened around the city today."

"Nothing much…at least that I heard. I'm still doing some research on what happened to you…kind of hidden away in my labs. You know…" Carson said with a slight shrug. He was eating, slowly, but more often than not simply watching Rodney.

John nodded. Beckett was still guilty and almost afraid to work on live people at the moment—he was too afraid of making another mistake.

John idly wondered what Carson was thinking as he watched Rodney. John knew Carson had been reading more about their type of relationship, but hadn't asked them any questions. Maybe this would break the ice, so to speak, and get him talking about it—instead of just staring and disapproving.

"What we do isn't all about pain or power or humiliation," John said quietly. "It's about sensation and showing our love for each other in a different way than others might."

"I…" Carson flushed again, his eyes drifting down to Rodney again. "Honestly, it's still hard to wrap my head around it."

John nodded. "The submission?"

"Aye. I've been reading…"

"Yes. You said Kate had given you some books."

Carson nodded, his eyes still fixed on Rodney. John leaned forward, hand on the doctor's arm, shaking him a little. "Carson, you know you can ask us anything you want, right?"

The Scot turned, tearing his eyes away from Rodney. "I…yes," he said, flushing again. "I…I've never really seen anything like this, seen someone…seen Rodney give up control to anyone before" He paused, his eyes threatening to return to the kneeling scientist. "I've never seen him so relaxed…calm."

John smiled, nodding. "The submission gives him all that and more. But with you, it's more about the letting go than the sex, isn't it?"

Carson nodded. "Aye. I've…sex is'na the issue. I understand sex. It's the submission, the rest of it that…" He shrugged. "It's hard to explain." His eyes slid back down to Rodney who was clearly in his own little world.

"You never pictured Rodney enjoying something like this." John said it plainly.

"Aye," Carson said staring at Rodney who was submitting for John.

"He needs the opportunity to turn his brain off. This gives him a safe place to do it."

"And you like it," Carson said, pulling his eyes away from Rodney.

John shrugged. "Of course. This wouldn't work if I didn't like it. If Rodney didn't want to do this, we wouldn't. It's pretty simple." John smiled a little smugly as Rodney sucked at his thumb. "I'm also a possessive, kinky bastard when it comes to sex, so we're well matched."

"Aye, well, I guess you are," Carson said, shifting in his chair. "Well, I should probably leave you—"

"You don't have to go, Carson."

"You obviously have plans."

"They'll keep," John said with a smile. "Rodney has gone longer than this without coming—and in all honesty, he likes to wait. Stay. We can put on a movie and relax."

"I don't wanna put you out."

"Carson," John said firmly, but added a light chuckle. "You're not. I wouldn't have asked you to stay if we didn't want you here. Hang out and relax. You need to rest just as much as we do."

It took a few more minutes of reassurances before Carson finally acquiesced and agreed to stay for a little while to watch a movie with them. John got Rodney moving under his own steam and settled on the couch as he booted up the movie. Carson took the chair.

John cleaned up quickly, leaving most of the dishes in the sink before sitting down next to Rodney and tugging him against his chest. Rodney was partially awake and aware—snorting at the scenes he usually ranted over.

Carson lasted an hour before he was snoring quietly in the chair next to them, head thrown back.

"You ready for bed, buddy?" John asked quietly.

"Sure," Rodney whispered. "Should pee."

"Go and do that. I'll get Carson settled here on the couch. We have blankets in the closet, right?"

Rodney nodded, pausing just as he swung his feet off the couch and onto the floor. "Will there be…"

John was already shaking his head. "No, not with Carson here. Just sleeping."

"Okay," he said after a moment. "I guess the clothes stay on, then."

"And the cuffs and the plug."

Rodney ducked his head and John caught the edge of a blush. "Yes, sir."

"It's not like he hasn't seen you in them," John said with a smile as Rodney climbed to his feet. "You were naked when he showed up."

"In a blanket."

"And you put on your boxers and shirt with him sitting in the chair."

"I know, I know," Rodney said with a small, tired smile. "So, bed?"

"Go. I'll meet you in there." John watched as Rodney wandered into the bedroom before turning his attention to the sleeping Scot. After a moment's deliberation, John rose and moved into the bedroom, digging out the spare blankets and pillow they'd stored there. Returning to the living room he dropped the pillow on one end of the couch and the blankets on the table before turning to lift Carson to his feet.

The doctor grumbled and came half awake, helping John steer him a few feet to the couch. As soon as he was horizontal on the couch, though, the light snoring began again. John shook his head and chuckled. It seemed like the good doctor needed the rest as much as John thought he did. He pulled off the doctor's shoes and socks and managed to manhandle him out of his uniform top without waking him.

He left him on the couch, the blanket pulled up to his neck. Shutting the lights off, he headed into the bedroom just as Rodney emerged from the bathroom.

"Carson's out cold on the couch." Rodney nodded, already heading to his side of the bed and climbing in.

"You coming to bed?" Rodney asked, lifting his head off the pillow to look at John.

He nodded. "In a minute. Gonna pee and brush my teeth. Just rest."

Rodney nodded and settled in, closing his eyes.

John took a few minutes to get himself ready before climbing in. He spooned up behind Rodney, throwing an arm over his waist. Rodney relaxed into him and let out a contented sigh.

It didn't take long for Rodney's breathing to even out and fall asleep. John let himself follow closely behind.

***

***

It was still dark when he woke. He blinked a few times and then glanced over, catching glimpses of an unfamiliar room. His forehead scrunched up as he thought back, remembering that he'd fallen asleep during the movie—and apparently he'd ended up asleep on John and Rodney's couch. It was a little weird but he'd slept soundly for the first time in weeks.

He could hear the soft sounds of slumber from the bedroom—the door had apparently been left open. He could hear Rodney's huffing snores—remembering what they sounded like from the many times he ended up in the infirmary.

John was quieter, but if he held himself still he could hear his quiet breaths as well—known the same ways as Rodney's. Carson sighed quietly, just thinking of the two of them together. It had been a long time since he'd woken up next to a warm body—and it didn't look like that was changing anytime soon. Laura liked to run at night, sometimes even after they had sex. Most mornings he'd wake up alone, his girlfriend never returning from her run to his bed.

He didn't hold it against her. It was just the way she was, but it still hurt, nonetheless.

And last night…he'd just wanted to check on his friends, but he'd been pulled into their apartment, their lives, and had spent the night on their couch.

Carson let himself drift a little, enjoying the quiet, knowing he would need to get up soon, but trying to delay the process. The couch was more comfortable than it looked.

A small whimper, almost quiet enough to pass as imagined jolted him out of his daze. He waited, his body tensing a little as he strained to hear it repeated.

He was about ready to give up when he heard it again. He sat up, listening hard. Another quiet whimpered echoed loudly in the apartment.

Carson shifted , shoving the blanket to the side as he got up, putting his bare feet on the ground. He quietly considered how he'd lost his shoes, socks, and uniform jacket, but when he heard another whimper he started moving quickly, into the bedroom.

John was out cold, limbs splayed across one side of the bed. Rodney, though, was curled up on himself on the edge of the bed, body full of tension. Carson moved immediately, sitting on the edge of the bed closest to his friend. He reached over, laying a gentle hand on the Canadian's shoulder. "Rodney, lad, it's okay."

Whether it was his words or the shift on the bed as he sat down, but John was moving seconds later, rolling toward Rodney even before his eyes were completely open. "Whazzit?"

"Rodney." It was the only word he got out before the scientist whimpered again, head rolling to the side. The furrow between his eyes was deep.

John's hand joined his, sliding across Rodney's chest, trying to pull him back against his chest. "Hey, buddy. Wake up for me. You're having another nightmare."

Carson squinted at the clock, trying to get an idea of the time, how long they'd managed to sleep. It was just before four.

Rodney, though, was locked in his own head. Carson could feel Rodney's pulse racing beneath his hand.

John shook Rodney's shoulder a little. "Hey, come on. I need you to break out of it. You're safe. I'm safe. I'm right here with you, and I need you to open your eyes now."

"Is this what's been happening to him?"

John nodded. "Yes. It takes me a few minutes to break him out of it, and he's usually a little shaken when he does fully wake up. Every dream he's told me about involve someone killing me while he's forced to watch, and then coming to do the same to him."

"What the bloody hell is going through his head?" Carson asked, turning his attention back to Rodney. It took another minute and John's firm voice to finally wake the Canadian who came to with a gasp.

John immediately pulled Rodney into his arms. "Hey, you're okay. It was just a dream."

"Dead…you were dead," Rodney whispered, turning in toward John's chest, burying his head in John's shoulder.

"He's just fine, lad," Carson said quietly.

John nodded against Rodney. "I'm right here, alive and well. I promise, I'm not going anywhere."

Rodney let John comfort him, breathing heavily as he tried to force the nightmare back. "Let me go and get him a little something."

Glancing up, the corners of John's lips quirked up. "We have a pretty well-stocked medicine cabinet."

Carson nodded. "I'll be right back." He got up, padding first to the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water and after digging around a little found some crackers and cheese. He put them on the bedside table before heading to the master bathroom.

"Start with this," he said quietly, noticing how John had all but wrapped himself around Rodney.

"Thanks." John grabbed a piece and drew it across Rodney's lips until the scientist parted them enough to let him push it in.

Stepping into the bathroom, Carson quickly went through the cabinet, finding the sleeping pills he'd given Rodney yesterday. He fingered them for a moment before digging around again. He didn't want to keep giving the Canadian the pills because it just started him on a very bad cycle.

When he didn't find anything else that might work, he headed back out. John had propped Rodney up in bed. They were talking quietly—well, John was talking; Rodney was listening.

John looked up when he entered and motioned for Carson to come closer. "I know you don't want to do this, but I really think you need to, Rodney. We can't keep living like this. You're only getting a few hours of sleep before your nightmares kick in."

"It'll get better," Rodney said quietly.

"Maybe," Carson said as he perched on the side of the bed nearest Rodney. "Or else you'll manage to catch some disease because of a depressed immune system due to lack of sleep."

Chuckling, John grinned at him. "I'm not asking for a lot. I just want you to talk, tell us what's on your mind. Obviously it's bothering you a lot, or you wouldn't keep having these vivid dreams."

"I have to pee," Rodney said instead.

John sighed but loosened his arms. "Come back when you're done."

"Where else do you think I'm going like this?" Rodney asked, his hand gesturing at himself, the cuffs stark against his pale skin. Carson averted his eyes, his mind a mix of emotion.

"Just go take care of business." John said and when Carson glanced back up he caught the tail-end of a kiss before Rodney slipped off the bed, padding across the room.

Carson waited until the bathroom door was closed. "How is he?"

John flopped back into the bed with a sigh. "It is getting better every time. He's coming out of it faster, and seems to be shaking it off a lot faster. But I'd be happier if there were no nightmares to begin with. I had hoped the time we had to relax today together would keep the dreams away this time but..."

"The mind is a strange place, John. We're still figuring out why we dream and how nightmares are formed."

"I know. It's just hard. I want to fix it and keep him safe, but I can't go into his head." The pilot looked over at him.

Carson offered a smile. "And Rodney's head might be one interesting place."

"Oh, that's most definitely true." John's smile was warm. "Did you sleep? You were pretty unresisting when I moved you to the couch."

"Oh, aye, yeah. Sorry about that. I didn't mean to overstay my welcome."

"Carson, it's fine. We're just sleeping. You are always welcome to pull up a piece of our couch. It's pretty comfortable, too."

"Aye it was."

John was silent for a minute, his eyes narrowing a bit as he looked at Carson. "You know, you can ask us anything, right? If you want to talk more about our relationship we can."

"Maybe, I don't know." He sighed quietly, looking at his hands. "Either way, it can wait until later. Rodney could use a bit more sleep."

"I know. Hopefully we can get him to lie back down."

Carson nodded. "I'd rather not give him anything if I don't have to."

"I agree. I'd rather he work through this than get him hooked on sleeping pills." John laid flat again, putting a hand across his eyes. "He should be back soon. He's stalling because he knows I'm not dropping this and he really doesn't want to talk about it."

"I won't let him get hooked on anything, but at certain times, they are…helpful," Carson said, leaning grab the blister pack of pills he'd brought out. He was quiet for a minute, sitting and waiting.

"I can hear you thinking. It usually works better if you voice concerns, rather than let your brain run around in little circles."

Carson snorted a little. "Keeps the hamsters warm." He trailed off, deciding what to voice and what not to. He opted for a subject he knew would sidetrack John. "How much has Rodney told you about some of his past medical history?"

Sheppard sat up, glaring at him. "You're changing the subject."

"Am I? I thought we were talking about Rodney and what we're both worried about."

John held his gaze for a long moment. "Fine. And to answer your question, quite a bit. I know about his problems, and I've skimmed his files."

"Then you'll know of my reluctance to give him anything in the first place unless I thought it was absolutely necessary. It tends to go in cycles for him—which is the real issue, I guess. Can't sleep so he takes something to help, which then leads to him feeling groggy and disconnected. So, he takes something to combat that—in addition to copious amounts of coffee."

"Which is why I won't let him take the pills unless it gets to a critical stage. He is sleeping, he's just waking up with nightmares. And pills won't stop that—I did relent and give him one last night and the only difference was that it was harder for me to wake him out of it."

Carson nodded. "He needed it desperately."

"He needs to stop having the damn nightmares. But he is getting in naps. He slept a good portion of yesterday, and was relaxed and fairly blissed out when he wasn't sleeping."

"Aye, naps are good, but the body needs to be able to cycle through an entire night of sleep. I don'na think he's really done that yet—probably in a few weeks if my guess is right. And that's where the dangers start."

They both looked up as the door to the bathroom opened and Rodney padded out. John held open his arms, and once again Carson was surprised that his friend obeyed the silent command immediately, a small amount of tension seeming to flow out of him as soon as he was being held close again. John kissed the side of his head, and Carson felt a pang of something he didn't want to look too closely at right now. It wasn't jealously, but it was close. Envy maybe. The desire to experience that comfort and love himself.

"Hey, buddy. We were just talking about what we can try to get you a solid night of sleep with no dreams."

Rodney snorted. "Besides a two-by-four to the side of my head?"

"Yeah, no. Seriously…neither of us is in your head. You have to tell me what we can do to help."

"I…" Rodney sighed and deflated a little. "I don't know."

"So start by talking. Give me more details than just 'you died'. How does it start? What happens? Who's there? Are there any common elements other than the obvious?"

"It's different every time, but it ends up the same: you're dead in some horrible way and then they turn on me."

"Who is 'they'?"

"Aliens, the NID, the Goa'uld, the Wraith…doesn't matter. I've lived long enough and read enough SGC reports to have nightmares for the rest of my natural life and then some." Rodney shrugged, closing his eyes as he took a shuddering breath.

"Yeah, but never chronic ones, not like this. What's different now, Rodney?"

"What does it matter? It'll go away."

John huffed and looked at Carson. "Can you explain to my stubborn lover why he needs to get this worked out sooner rather than later?"

Carson held John's eyes. "Because it'll have a deleterious effect on his health and on his status as a member of Atlantis."

"There, see." John smiled faintly at Carson—a ghost of a grin—then looked back down at Rodney. "We need to fix this so that genius brain of yours stays in tip-top shape."

"And I said it'll be fine," Rodney said stubbornly. "It'll pass."

"You keep saying that, but it's not passing, Rodney." John cupped Rodney's face, forcing him to look up. "Why are you so afraid of telling me?"

"It will pass. You said you'd give me a week, why are you pushing this now? Is it because of Carson? Did he tell you something?"

John shook his head. "No, it's not because of him, although he's as worried about you as I am. It's because nothing we've tried is letting you get more than short cat naps."

"And it'll pass. It always does."

"Always? So you've had them this bad before?"

Rodney shifted on the bed. "Yes."

"Tell me."

"Tell you what?" Wow. There was Rodney getting defensive—body language and tone of voice. If that wasn't a dead giveaway that something was wrong, Carson wasn't sure what was. "Tell you that I've had them before and they go away? I think I might have mentioned that already."

He was surprised that John didn't get riled, didn't rise to the bait of arguing Rodney was dangling in front of him. "Tell me about the dreams. When you had them before, what were they about?"

"They were dreams, bad dreams. What more do you need to know besides that? They were bad. They went away after a few days. End of story."

John's hands moved over Rodney's body, petting him, Carson thought. For his part, he kept still, quiet. John's voice when he continued was quiet, but not weak. If anything, it was stronger than Carson thought it would be under the circumstances. "I want to know. When did you have them? What were they about? I want to know because they're part of you."

"I've always had nightmares. Story of my life. That's how I know they'll go away."

"Not always. You haven't had any since we've been together, at least not like this."

"Yes, I have. You've just slept through most of them," Rodney said, adding the second part sheepishly.

"We'll have to change that. But be that as it may, a few nightmares here and there aren't a big deal. Everyone has them. My concern is that you've had what sounds like generally the same one for how many nights running now? Weeks?"

"It's similar. Not the same."

"Close enough, and not the point. If I had to guess, the other times in your life when you've had them like this, every night waking you up fully, are the stressful times. Your dissertation, getting sent to Siberia, that sort of thing, am I right?"

Rodney shrugged. "Among other times."

"And when they just 'went away', was it because something changed?"

"No," Rodney replied, his tone turning a little condescending. "They went away because that's what dreams do, go away. Are you finished with your game of twenty questions?"

"I wouldn't have to play twenty questions if you weren't forcing me to drag this out of you." Carson could hear the weariness in John's voice. He hadn't been sleeping much lately either, but instead of being able to rest and relax, he was trying to help Rodney. Carson felt a surge of frustration at the scientist—why was he dragging this out?

"You're the one forcing the situation," Rodney snapped back.

"Because I'm worried about you." John's voice was soft.

Some of Rodney's anger deflated a little at John's tone. "It'll go away."

"But how long, and how bad off will you be in the meantime?" John sighed. "Fine, you don't want to talk about it, and we all need more sleep. Lay down and we'll sleep."

Rodney looked at John for a long moment and Carson almost thought the Canadian was going to climb out of bed instead. There was something…unsettled about him. When he spoke again, his words were quiet, resigned. "I don't know how long. It's never lasted this long before and…I don't know."

The pilot cupped his fingers around Rodney's face. "You trust me with your body, your heart, your life. Why are you so afraid to trust me with this?"

Rodney's eyes closed and he leaned into John. "You're the variable…the difference."

"Good difference or bad difference?"

"I never had something to lose before."

"You haven't lost me. I'm still here with you, and I have no plans to go anywhere."

"It's just so real and I can't save you." Rodney's hand reached out, resting on John's chest, fingers digging into his t-shirt. "Nothing I do can save you."

"That's not true. You have saved me. More than once. And you will again. And I'll do the same for you. We're like the dynamic duo—the universe can throw us all the curve balls it likes, but we'll always beat up the bad guys and save the day together."

Rodney shook his head, his body starting to tremble a little.

"John," Carson said quietly, "that might be enough for now."

Hazel eyes snapped up to meet his, until the other man finally nodded. "We're all still tired. Let's try to get a few more hours of sleep."

Carson helped John get Rodney settled, the man offering little or no resistance. He'd known that their bond was close, knew that there would have been a problem with Rodney if they'd lost John. Carson just hadn't known how deep it went. Scarily so. John would have to approach this very carefully.

When Rodney was apparently arranged to his satisfaction, John turned to Carson. "Are you going to be able to go back to sleep?"

"I can just go…" Carson started, but John cut him off.

"Get some more rest, Carson. I'll cook breakfast in the morning." His tone boded for no arguments.

Carson nodded silently, rising to his feet to wander back to the couch. A last look over his shoulder saw John getting comfortable, one leg thrown over Rodney, pinning him down, and a hand stretching across, to settle against Rodney's shoulder.

He turned away trying not to think about how nice it would be to have that companionship, but he pushed it down. Right now, sleep was more important and there was no point to wish for something he wasn't going to get.

***

When Rodney woke next, the sun was already shining through the stained glass windows in their bedroom.

God. He'd made a scene last night.

But John had wanted to know and he'd told him. He was the difference, the reason the nightmares were continuing. At every turn, he could lose him and that hurt more than anything he'd ever felt before.

And after this last thing it was all cropping up again, his insecurities, his worries. He'd thought he had them pushed down far enough, but his subconscious had other plans, apparently.

Turning his head to the side, he smiled at John who was more or less blanketing him. He knew what he'd like right now to help…settle him. But with Carson here, that would be an issue.

Rodney reached out, running a hand down John's side. His lover moaned a little, not really waking up, but shifting a little against Rodney's body.

"Mmm," Rodney purred, licking John's neck.

Beautiful hazel eyes blinked open. "Morning. You sleep?"

Rodney nodded.

"Good," John said with a smile. "Carson should still be asleep in the other room." John tilted his head, looking at him. "You okay?"

Rodney shrugged. He was tired, a little embarrassed. He didn't want Carson to know how bad his nightmares were, but that wasn't an option now.

"We'll figure it out," John said, leaning down for a kiss. "Trust me."

"I do," Rodney whispered.

"Then there's nothing to worry about," John said with a smile as he shifted to the end of the bed, offering his hand. "Come with me?"

***

Rodney looked up at him and his outstretched hand. John wasn't sure Rodney would take his hand. The scientist was still a bit skittish and John didn't want to push him too much. "Buddy?"

"I'm coming," Rodney said quietly, taking John's had and letting him tug him from the bed.

"Good. Bring your pillow so your knees won't bother you."

Rodney nodded slowly. John couldn't resist and leaned in to capture his lover's mouth for another leisurely kiss. "I need to start breakfast. Come on. I want you close enough to touch."

The kiss had loosened Rodney up a bit and John hoped it would be enough for Rodney to stop being self-conscious. He'd been beautiful last night.

Rodney climbed to his feet, swaying a bit. John's hand on his elbow steadied him.

"I've got you." Grabbing the pillow, he led his lover out to the kitchen, arranging him so John could pet and touch as he cooked.

John glanced over at the couch as he heard the shift of blankets. "Morning, Doc."

"Aye…is that. What time is it?" Carson said, still sounding half asleep.

"Still early. Plenty of time to get ready."

"Can I use your shower?"

"Of course. I'll get breakfast started," John said. "Leave your clothes out and I'll run them through the sonic with our load.

"John, you don'na have to—" Carson started to say as he rose from the couch.

"I know I don't have to, but I want to. Just leave them outside the bathroom. I can give you a set of sweats from the drawer to wear for the time being."

Carson sighed, but nodded. "Aye, fine."

John followed him into the bedroom, pulling out sweats and a t-shirt. He handed them over and waited for Carson's clothes to appear a few minutes later. He gathered their stuff and tossed the laundry into the sonic cleaner. It would take a little while, but they'd be clean—and less for them to do later.

By the time John wandered back in to the kitchen Rodney had settled down easily, relaxing into his position. It only took a few minutes of quiet along with John's touches before John heard the first quiet purr of contentment from his lover. John smiled down at him, grateful Rodney was letting John care for him in this way.

Besides the quiet touches, Rodney's purring, and the sounds of John preparing breakfast, there wasn't a sound. John was still surprised at how well the rooms on Atlantis were sound-proofed. Even with the water running in the bathroom a room away, you couldn't hear a thing.

He did hear the door open to the bedroom, right about when breakfast was almost done. Glancing up, John smiled. "Feel better?"

"Clean, aye," Carson nodded, dressed in the extra set of clothes. He headed right for the coffee, pouring himself a large mug. His eyes drifted down to Rodney who was humming quietly, his eyes closed as he simply relaxed into his submission.

"He's…" His hand waved and gestured a bit as he searched for the word.

"Happily submissive? Yes. He submitted easily this morning. This is the only way I can be sure he's actually relaxing and not doing complex equations in his head, so I have no reason to bring him up."

"But shouldn't you be resting instead of…?" His hand waved again, but he continued without finding the word. "You've just been through quite an ordeal. The whole point of your time off was to rest and get your strength back."

Running a hand through his own hair, John moved food to the table. "Yes. And believe it or not, this is relaxing for me, too. Sometimes it's a fight and a challenge to get him here and keep him here, but this," John smiled at his lover, caressing him again, "he's giving me this because he wants me to have it, not because I forced it."

"But it's a lot of work."

John nodded. "It is. And I told him yesterday morning that I wasn't up to forcing it, to fighting with him and making him submit. I gave him the choice. We could just enjoy the time off together as lovers, or we could do it as a dom/sub, but he had to choose which one he wanted. He chose this, and did half the work of getting himself into headspace for me."

"He needed the reassurance." It was a statement, not a question.

John nodded. "I think so. Honestly, I think that's why he's having the nightmares, too. He needs the physical proof on his body that I'm alive as well."

"All the bruises." Ah ha. So that had been the exclamation last night from Carson.

Nodding, John trailed his fingers along Rodney's shoulder, pressing on the market what was under the fabric. "He always wears the one here, but the rest are to make sure that every time he moves for the next few days, he feels me."

"I don'na think that will be a problem." Carson's voice was even, not giving anything away.

"You okay?"

"Fine," Carson said a little tightly.

"Carson…"

"You didn't have to let me stay here, show me this."

"We just slept." John put down a plate of food in front of Carson and in front of his spot. He turned to get the mugs of coffee.

"You should have just sent me home."

"You were sleeping. You needed it." John paused, putting down the mugs and looking at the doctor. "You're our friend and you were in desperate need of sleep. I wish I could do more for you, but…"

Carson took a bite of the breakfast John had put in front of him. Rodney shifted closer to John as soon as he sat down and now it was like he was trying to climb under the table.

Looking down, John held out a hand, helping Rodney shift close enough to put his head on John's leg. "Hey, buddy. I haven't forgotten you." He pressed a piece of food to Rodney's lips.

Rodney took the food from John eagerly, but didn't stop moving and shifting. It was like he wanted to be in between John's legs but couldn't manage to get around John's knee.

Raising an eyebrow, John pushed his chair out a little and spread his legs.

A soft cry of happy surprise and Rodney was shifting, his head landing on John's thigh, his cheek brushing against John's cock through his boxers as he settled right in. John swore he could feel Rodney's purr.

Humming a little himself, John just touched, running his fingers across Rodney's face, down his body as far as he could reach. "I love you, too," he said softly.

"What is he…? Carson shifted in his chair, trying to see Rodney. "Is he purring?"

"Yes." John's eyes didn't leave his very happy lover. "He knows I'm taking care of him, so all he has to do is be here."

"And that's it?"

John finally lifted his eyes. "That's it. All I want from him is exactly this."

The Scot just looked at the two of them for a long moment. "I just…" he started before breaking off, his fingers drifting over the surface of the mug of coffee. "It's just very difficult for me to…maybe not comprehend, but understand. I've known him longer than you and I never saw the potential for this kind of…calmness in him."

Tilting his head, John fed Rodney as he thought about it. "I think it's always been there. He had…still has a lot of defense mechanisms. People hurt him, made him think he was only desirable for his brain and an occasional fuck. Actually, we're very lucky another top didn't recognize the sub through the bluster, because he could have been abused a lot worse than he was." Looking up, John met Carson's eyes. "And keep in mind that we didn't hit this level of connection overnight. It's taken us a year and as many downs as ups to get here."

Carson snorted and nodded. "Aye, and what down and ups they've been."

Quirking his lips, John nodded. "I know. But they've gotten us here, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I know you still don't really get what being a sub means. A lot of it is trust, and knowing that when I tell him something, good or bad, I will follow though. He needed the structure, needed to know that someone else was keeping an eye on the basics because his mind is so often focused on things the rest of us can't even imagine. For him, it's freeing in a way. He can focus all of his energy on the project because he knows I won't let him hurt himself, and that I'll be there to help him disconnect and take a break when he needs it."

"Aye, I guess and it's been working more or less," Carson said, taking another bite of his breakfast. "It's still just…hard to wrap my mind around it."

"Is it really?"

Carson's eyes shot a warning at John.

John let his hand fall down to card through Rodney's hair. Rodney's purring had stopped a few minutes ago, probably in response to the conversation going on overhead. John felt a light kiss press against his cock as Carson spoke again.

John's breath hitched at the small kiss, his attention riveting back on Rodney for a moment. He rubbed along Rodney's jaw line, pleased when the purring started again. "Later, I promise," he said quietly. Looking back up, John smiled at Carson. "Look, I know you don't understand everything we do, but it works—really works—for us. But we're still your friend, so when you start to feel stretched again, don't hesitate to come back here and just hang with us. You're always welcome."

"Yes, well, I should probably get going. My uniform is where?" Carson asked as he pushed back from the table.

John caught his hand. "Finish eating. I wasn't kidding when I said Sonic takes a while. It'll be at least another ten minutes before it's done with your uniform."

Carson made a face as he settled back into his chair.

"I can see you're uncomfortable, so I'm not going to push. We can talk about something else if you want. Or if you want, I can answer any questions you have. Honestly, I'd rather talk about it than have you leave with doubts."

"Well, my staff will certainly thank you when I do finally go back to work. I think this is the first time in weeks I've really slept," Carson said.

Chuckling, John popped a bite into his own mouth. "I watch Rodney's lab pretty closely. I've learned to tell the difference between normal manic and 'we're going to kill McKay if someone doesn't get him out of here now' manic."

"There's really not that much of a difference in the science labs, though."

"You wouldn't think so, but there is."

They talked quietly about the labs and Atlantis until the buzzer went off on the sonic, indicating it was done. Carson was up in a shot, heading to the machine and tugging out the clothes even before John rose to his feet.

"I got this," he said. "Be right back."

Carson disappeared into the guest bathroom, closing the door behind him. John let out a sigh. He wished Carson understood more and was willing to talk to him about what was bothering him about their dynamic.

John glanced down as the tip of a tongue grazed his cloth-covered cock again, accompanied by another purr. Rodney settled in close again, breathing in John's scent, nestled right into his groin.

Carson appeared a few minutes later, fully dressed. He headed for the couch where his boots were and he sat down to tug them on.

John trailed a finger down Rodney's face. "I need to get up for a minute since Carson's leaving. Wait here for me."

Rodney nodded, opening half-glazed eyes as he shifted back enough for John to get up.

"I'll make sure Rodney stops to see you in the morning since I know he has to get cleared."

Carson nodded as he finished tying his shoes. "Aye. He needs to be there first thing."

"He will be. And if you want to talk to him about anything when he comes in, feel free. We don’t want to alienate you or make you uncomfortable."

"Aye, that's fine," Carson said, standing.

"I really hope you had a good time and I was able to answer some of your questions."

"I did, it's just…a lot to take in." He paused, glancing toward the kitchen before shifting his eyes back toward John. "I'll…if you need anything or something happens between now and your check-up tomorrow, call me immediately."

John sighed, but nodded. "I will."

"And please make sure Rodney eats a bit more. I don't think he's eaten enough. I'd prefer not to see either of you in the infirmary." He straightened his jacket, shifting on his feet.

"Don't worry, I'll feed him."

Carson headed for the door. "Thanks again and have a good day and get some rest. You both need it." He offered a partial wave and then was out the door and into the hall. The whoosh of the closing door was quiet, the only sound left in the room.

When John turned back toward the kitchen he saw that Rodney's eyes were open and he was staring at John, a little more awareness in his body than John wanted.

He detoured to his lover, leaning down to whisper in his ear. "He's overwhelmed. Let him go for now, and sink back down. You can talk to him tomorrow if you want. Right now it's just you and me."

He nodded, turning into John. "I…I need to use the bathroom," Rodney said quietly, eyes wide as they looked up at him.

"Go ahead. I'll clean up here."

Rodney nodded again before turning and crawling into the bedroom to the master bath. John watched him go

John made a soft noise and then straightened up the kitchen a bit before bringing a plate of food into the living room. He moved Rodney's pillow, too, to his spot next to the couch. He shimmied out of his boxers and t-shirt before dropping onto the couch. Rodney appeared a few moments later—naked once again—and headed directly for John who spread his legs in a silent invitation to his lover. "Two steps forward, one back I'm afraid."

Rodney moved into John's body, wrapping his arms around his waist as he pressed his face into John's stomach. "I'm sorry," he whispered, the words—his breath—brushing against John's skin.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Mmm. I guess."

"Don't worry about him. We gave him a lot to think about, and you can talk to him tomorrow. Right now, we have the rest of the day off and no reason to leave." Picking up a bite of food, John held it up for Rodney to eat.

Leaning back and lifting his head, Rodney offered John a slow smile before opening his mouth and closing his eyes. Waiting.

Humming, John fed him. They stayed like that until they had finished the plate and an easy peace had fallen over them again.

After Rodney had finished the last bite, John let his fingers trail over his lover's skin, pulling quiet murmurs and hums from him.

"I know you wanted to taste before…"

Without a word Rodney was moving slowly, letting his mouth drag along John's stomach as he headed down to his groin. Mouthing, licking, and kissing at the skin, Rodney focused his attention on that one area, letting his stubble rub against John's cock as he worshiped.

With a groan, John let his legs fall even wider apart, his head dropping back to the couch, his eyes closing. It was nice to just let his lover make him feel good for a few minutes.

And Rodney didn't let up. Loving and licking and kissing, the quiet noises he was making just as erotic and amazing as the actual act he was performing. He only used his mouth and tongue—his talented mouth and tongue—to pleasure John. He had to get Rodney to do this more often.

"God, Rodney, I love you..." John panted, his fists opening and closing as he fought the urge to thrust, just wanting it to never end.

Rodney simply purred, continuing to worship him.

He lost track of time, everything narrowing down to Rodney and pleasure. When he came, it was almost painful—he didn't want to come, didn't want it to end, but it was so good and God...

His lover simply backed off a little, letting the come streak over his face, his mouth open catching part of the stream. He hummed and moaned, letting John pour over him, covering him.

Breathing hard, John watching through slit eyes, feeling languid and not much inclined to move yet. "Broke me."

Rodney just settled back down, licking John clean before putting his head on his lover's thigh, letting out a deep, contented sigh.

John let them have it, let the quiet settle around them. He was coming to crave this quiet time as much as he did the sex.

Reaching down, John gently touched his lover's face, feeling the wet come, his fingers beginning to rub it in, spreading it. Rodney leaned into his hand, a quiet "yes" drifting from his mouth.

A breeze from the open balcony door blew through, and John realized they hadn't showered. "We reek you know. We should shower."

Rodney nodded, his eyes slowly opening to look up at John.

"We haven't used our suction-cup restraints in a while."

"Whatever you want, John," Rodney whispered, smiling.

Humming, John slowly stood, holding a hand down to pull Rodney to his feet.

Rodney stood, leaning into John. "Whatever you want," he repeated.

"You."

"You have me."

They kissed, softly at first, then John deepened it until they were lost in each other.

Rodney's arms wrapped around John, pressing them together. God. This was…not desperation, not lust. This was just…love and them and…

Gently, he broke the kiss. Reaching down, he twined their fingers together, then tugged, leading Rodney to the bedroom.

His lover followed easily, without any hesitation, trusting John to lead him. A lot had changed over the past year. A lot.

John tugged Rodney's boxers from his body before switching out the cuffs. Then they were in the shower, wet skin rubbing together, mouths meeting, bodies melding. It was perfect.

They kissed and ground against each other, arms tangling around bodies, trying to get them closer, deeper.

He managed to break away long enough to wash them both, and then John was back, diving in, tasting.

And Rodney gave as good as he got, his hands all over John's body, fingers sliding against skin, threading through hair.

They were trying to climb into each other, drive away any air between them.

They were panting heavily, their neediness turning to desperation as they moaned into the kisses—dirty, messy, and wet.

Without warning, John broke the kiss and spun his lover around, using the suction cups to secure his arms above his head, then bending down to lock his feet as well, spread wide. With a moan, John kneeled down and immediately started licking around the plug he'd put there yesterday. He eventually pulled it out and then used his tongue and fingers to claim what was his.

Rodney moaned loudly, his hole spasming a little around John's tongue.

John rimmed until his tongue hurt, until he had to stop. Then he pushed his fingers inside, searching for the special place that would make Rodney howl.

And howl he did. Caught up in the sensations, Rodney didn't hold anything back as his body shuddered around John's fingers as they pressed in to his prostate. He was sobbing with need and want, howling and crying as John continued to brush against that one spot. Again. And again. And again.

It was amazing. He loved being the one who could bring Rodney to this place, keep him here, give him this pleasure. Slowly, he eased off, withdrawing his finger and resting his face against the small of his lover's back.

Rodney was shuddering, sobbing quietly in desperation. But he wasn't begging or demanding. He was waiting for John.

"Shhhh." John pressed a kiss to the spot where Rodney's spine curved into his ass. It was dimpled and begging to be lavished with attention. "You aren't coming right now. I want you leaking for me all day."

His lover whimpered, but didn't argue, didn't push. Good.

Reaching around, John wrapped a loose fist around Rodney's erection—it was hard as a rock, and very wet. "This is mine. I want there to be no doubt about that today."

"Yours, John. All yours. All of me. Yours. Yours. Yours."

John stood slowly, keeping their bodies pressed close, sharing heat. He kissed a spot on Rodney's shoulder, then bit it lightly.

Rodney shuddered, moaning, his cock jumping a little in John's hand.

Not really marking, John kissed and nibbled his way across Rodney's shoulders, up his neck. With a grin, John did make a very small mark just under his lover's hairline.

When John pulled back, Rodney was panting heavily and moaning, but his body was held completely still.

John ran a thumb over the cockhead of his lover, smiling at the amount of moisture. "Like this. I want you this wet all day long."

Rodney moaned, leaning back into John as he offered a small nod. "Yours," he said, the word a strangled whisper. "Your sub, your slave, yours."

"Not slave. Partner. Lover. Sub." John whispered it against Rodney's ear, licking at it a little.

"Yes," Rodney insisted. "Serve you, pleasure you…want to."

John used his whole body to caress. "As my sub, yes. But a slave isn't allowed a life of his own, isn't allowed to flourish. I want to see you soar, touch the sky and know I helped you reach it, that even while you fly far and fast, you'll always come back to me."

"Always," Rodney whispered, nodding.

"Good boy." It was a soft endearment. John closed his eyes, just feeling Rodney pressed against his body. "I want to hold you all day. I'm going to release the cuffs from the wall. Then we're going to get dried off and go curl up on the couch. I don't want an inch of space between us."

"Yes, please."

"Going to spend the day holding you close, tasting you, stroking you. I'll push my fingers inside you and rub you until you're shaking with need, and then I'll take them out again and just keep holding you."

"Yes, John, please. Please."

John moved, well not quickly, but he didn't dawdle either. He got Rodney unhooked and dried them both off before heading into the living room. There were a few movies saved to the hard-drive of the laptop, so John just grabbed the remote Rodney had rigged and settled them on the couch so they were pressed together again, but John had access to his lover's body.

And Rodney relaxed against him, smelling like soap and Rodney. John spent the first movie simply touching. Running his hands over every part of Rodney's body, dragging his need and arousal higher and pushing him deeper into headspace. When John was finished tonight, he wanted his lover to be loose and relaxed and barely able to complete a full sentence.

If there were still nightmares after that... Well, John couldn't think of anything else that might help. So he set it aside and just concentrated on right now, on the two of them there together.

Toward the middle of the second movie, Rodney's stomach growled, making John pause mid-stroke.

"Hungry?"

Rodney opened glazed eyes, looking up at John. Wow. Rodney was not really tracking.

"Sandwiches." John rubbed his stubble against Rodney's skin.

His lover moaned, giving it all up for John as he squirmed. His eyes fell closed again. Yeah. Not tracking at all.

John was tempted to just start spouting off nonsense words in a sexy voice to see if Rodney would notice, but he didn't want to pull him out of his happy place, so... maybe another time. He moved them slowly, amused that Rodney was almost like a doll, just going wherever John put him. When John stood up, he got a soft whimper. "Shhh. Stay there for just a second. I'm going to get your leash."

Rodney didn't utter another word, simply sitting where John had placed him, deep in headspace.

John quickly grabbed the metal collar Rodney had worn to the BDSM club in Vegas, along with the simple black leash and the keys to both this collar and the jeweled one his lover was currently wearing. He rejoined the other man and switched them out, leaving the every-day version on the side table where it would be easy to find and put back on him later.

Sitting back to look, John smiled as Rodney opened his glazed eyes, barely focusing on him. All pleasure. All headspace. All his.

Snapping the leash in place, John wound the free end around his hand. "Come."

This time Rodney tilted his head, looking at John quizzically.

John blinked a few times, then couldn't stop the grin. "Sorry, poor choice of words. I want you to follow me."

A half nod and Rodney slid off the couch onto his hands and knees, a kiss pressed against the inside of John's leg.

John's legs felt rubbery. He just wanted to sink down and wrap them up together again, but Rodney needed food. He tangled his free hand in Rodney's hair and started walking slowly toward the kitchen. He was going to have to invest in a good set of kneepads in the next resupply.

John nearly chuckled. Kneepads and kitchen staples. What a mixture.

He guessed it meant they really had 'gone native' as he had heard someone whisper last time he was at the SGC.

Rodney leaned against John's leg as he got lunch together—a few sandwiches he could feed Rodney. Something simple, something easy. John kept glancing down at his lover, wanting him even closer, amazed that Rodney was giving him this.

They moved back to the living room, and once more Rodney was on the floor between John's legs, accepting small bites of food. John felt his own eyes threatening to slide shut—he couldn't remember the last time he had been this relaxed, this happy.

"Bed, sir?" Rodney's inquiry is quiet.

"No." He couldn't stop touching. It was like his fingers were parched, and Rodney was the oasis. "I don't want to fall asleep. This is too good."

Rodney blushed slightly, but leaned into John's touches, breathing heavily, panting a little. "More…more room."

"Don't need more room right now. I don't want to fuck you. I just want you, like this. Us."

Rodney nodded, falling silent again, letting John's hands touch him, tracing patterns on his skin.

John tugged, pulling Rodney back up to the couch, tangling them together again. He teased and touched until his lover was leaking heavily once more, then just held him close, breathing in the scent of arousal.

His lover simply melted against him, tangling their legs together.

That was how they spent the rest of the afternoon. John lost track of time—all he knew or cared about was this.

At some point, John knew Rodney drifted off to sleep, the quiet huffing breaths a dead giveaway. But that was okay. It gave John the opportunity to look, to touch.

It was enough. Later they would have sex, and it would leave them both with metaphorical toes curled with pleasure. But right now—this was enough. John smiled against his lover's shoulder. He was alive, they were together, and that was really all that mattered.

***

The End


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